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Jul. 19th, 2010 01:40 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
vicarzLike Sarah Palin, I would like to refudiate the following
http://voices.washingtonpost.com/44/2010/07/palin-invents-word-compares-he.html
Surprisingly Artscape was kind of a disappointment - more commercial things (Cricket? Kraft mac n' cheese?) and it seemed like less art. It was also ungodly hot so it was really not as enjoyable as just being there was nearly painful. Lots of "no pictures please" signs up around the art - is it that easy to snap a picture and do people not buy if they can look like that?
At work the phones are all out which is just a joy to me. I have to act as Branch Chief again, so the lack of phones is downright wonderful. Unfortunately, it keeps me from completing 2 settlements.
Who are your friends? Don't answer, but ...
I was on the verge of making one of those lame passive-aggressive posts about real friends vs. ...except I realized what I was doing. So let me pass along advice I tried to formulate for a friend, and write it down so if I fail to take my own advice I have no choice but to reflect and take blame for my situation.
You have to be a good friend to make good friends.
People who would make good friends already have good friends.
Douches and walking sacks always outnumber decent people; more so in a "fun" situation.
Be reliable yourself. Follow up, keep in contact, show up for moving day, and take the tiny steps it takes to keep reliable friends in your life. By showing you are reliable rather than just being reliable, you build and maintain trust. It's not just keeping secrets or being there when bad times happen - but being there on a regular basis when times are good.
In my case - don't always throw the baby out with the bathwater. One bad experience or even betrayal isn't necessarily putting someone in the "bad" category never to get out. Hate quietly, don't lash out verbally, and perhaps much later - find the time to see if they are worth forgiving.
It's hard to keep and harder to make friends as you're getting older as anyone reliable has...well formed tight bonds with small numbers of people. If you're good in relationships - you're probably in one, possibly with kids. Those relationships kind of trump most other kinds and take a lot of time. Those relationships are so good that others are...well work. Why work when you don't have to? So many people worth being friends with are simply unavailable or have very limited time.
You'll always have more douche acquaintances than not. This is much more true in bars and clubs, i.e. places where people seek quick stimulation and high interaction with strangers. People that like to get a quick fix regardless of the consequences may not prove to be reliable. People that perform on stage may not be great audiences.
People that are not reliable will continue to meet new people as they don't have long-term serious relationships built up over time - because they hurt people and are unreliable. It's easy to figure out with lovers and employees - anyone with a chain of "they suck" stories is likely the source of the problem (did you really date 10 assholes in a row? How unfortunate!? (what a moron or liar)). But with friends it is harder...in the freak scene we've all dated and schlupped each other. At least now, after 10-30 years, those that hurt people have been identified - they have the string of unrelated bitter ex's and bad talk of a consistent nature (like a resume). The drawback is that with the spider web of associations nobody wants to be "mean" to anyone else, and judging others is frowned upon. It's tough to say one side was wrong in a breakup when you're friends with both (unless you were there enough to know and say, and frankly there are times you absolutely should).
I think I lost the direction on this post. Maybe I'll polish this line of thought later.
http://voices.washingtonpost.com/44/2010/07/palin-invents-word-compares-he.html
Surprisingly Artscape was kind of a disappointment - more commercial things (Cricket? Kraft mac n' cheese?) and it seemed like less art. It was also ungodly hot so it was really not as enjoyable as just being there was nearly painful. Lots of "no pictures please" signs up around the art - is it that easy to snap a picture and do people not buy if they can look like that?
At work the phones are all out which is just a joy to me. I have to act as Branch Chief again, so the lack of phones is downright wonderful. Unfortunately, it keeps me from completing 2 settlements.
Who are your friends? Don't answer, but ...
I was on the verge of making one of those lame passive-aggressive posts about real friends vs. ...except I realized what I was doing. So let me pass along advice I tried to formulate for a friend, and write it down so if I fail to take my own advice I have no choice but to reflect and take blame for my situation.
You have to be a good friend to make good friends.
People who would make good friends already have good friends.
Douches and walking sacks always outnumber decent people; more so in a "fun" situation.
Be reliable yourself. Follow up, keep in contact, show up for moving day, and take the tiny steps it takes to keep reliable friends in your life. By showing you are reliable rather than just being reliable, you build and maintain trust. It's not just keeping secrets or being there when bad times happen - but being there on a regular basis when times are good.
In my case - don't always throw the baby out with the bathwater. One bad experience or even betrayal isn't necessarily putting someone in the "bad" category never to get out. Hate quietly, don't lash out verbally, and perhaps much later - find the time to see if they are worth forgiving.
It's hard to keep and harder to make friends as you're getting older as anyone reliable has...well formed tight bonds with small numbers of people. If you're good in relationships - you're probably in one, possibly with kids. Those relationships kind of trump most other kinds and take a lot of time. Those relationships are so good that others are...well work. Why work when you don't have to? So many people worth being friends with are simply unavailable or have very limited time.
You'll always have more douche acquaintances than not. This is much more true in bars and clubs, i.e. places where people seek quick stimulation and high interaction with strangers. People that like to get a quick fix regardless of the consequences may not prove to be reliable. People that perform on stage may not be great audiences.
People that are not reliable will continue to meet new people as they don't have long-term serious relationships built up over time - because they hurt people and are unreliable. It's easy to figure out with lovers and employees - anyone with a chain of "they suck" stories is likely the source of the problem (did you really date 10 assholes in a row? How unfortunate!? (what a moron or liar)). But with friends it is harder...in the freak scene we've all dated and schlupped each other. At least now, after 10-30 years, those that hurt people have been identified - they have the string of unrelated bitter ex's and bad talk of a consistent nature (like a resume). The drawback is that with the spider web of associations nobody wants to be "mean" to anyone else, and judging others is frowned upon. It's tough to say one side was wrong in a breakup when you're friends with both (unless you were there enough to know and say, and frankly there are times you absolutely should).
I think I lost the direction on this post. Maybe I'll polish this line of thought later.
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no subject
Date: 2010-07-19 06:32 pm (UTC)Not caring about ex's doesn't make you a douche, but there is that old expression "The only consistent feature of all your dissatisfying relationships is you." Not hanging out with all your exs...well they're exs. Hating them all or having them hate you? Not a good sign. Mixed sounds normal?
no subject
Date: 2010-07-19 08:58 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-07-20 04:00 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-07-20 06:09 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-07-19 08:08 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-07-20 04:02 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-07-21 11:08 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-07-21 12:34 am (UTC)90% of the friends I made as a 30 something and beyond have come from the club scene, and they seem no more likely to be asshats or douches than non-scene friends. I suspect that some of that is my empathic abilities and the way I read people has become more skilled over the years. I'm a better listener, but also a better judge of who is going to be worth my time.
It's probably also easier now because I'm more secure in my style/desires/personality and rarely care what other people think. Which means to some extent that people find me intimidating - until we spend enough time around each other in superficial situations that I trust my judgment and start really talking. That either scares people off for good (in which case they're not worth the effort) or translates into the kind of friendships I treasure - where any topic is open for discussion and we may agree to disagree about a lot of things but that's usually ok.
There are occasional exceptions to that, but my radar and casual interactions usually weed out creeps, racists and homophobes before I get to the stage of carrying on a serious conversation. And when it doesn't work those people are quickly dropped from my circle of friends.
no subject
Date: 2010-07-21 11:14 am (UTC)