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Oct. 27th, 2002 02:19 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
vicarzYargh! I'm going nuts now, when did I change into this? I want to GLOAT and BRAG about my score - I'm just so fucking happy! I'm so happy I'm ignoring the fact I drank alone, watched red dwarf, and played video games until 1am all by my lil lonesome. Im' also not done writing the statement of purpose or filling out law school applications. Slacker!
I used to never enjoy my accomplishments. I would work my ass off to achieve things, until I did achieve them, at which point I'd immediately devalue the goal and my efforts towards it. I got a 3.5 gpa, and then felt stupid because I ONLY got a 3.5, and thought I could have done a much better job of learning had I not pursued a gpa. I saved loads of money, and then was embarassed that it was so paltry compared to more wealthy people. Why? I'm not sure, but something...something has changed. Now I'm absolutely thrilled with my accomplishments. I'm actually celebrating! I'm not sure what I worked through or how, but it seems some weight has fallen off my shoulders over the past few years.
I also happened upon the discovery I'm maturationally back to a stage similar to one I entered around grad school - never accepting an identity. In clubs I'd think "Well I might not fit in with freaks, but hey I have a real life and will soon have a Master's degree so it doesn't matter." In school I'd think "Well, they may all be rich and doing well in their careers, but I'm out there having bisexual group leather sex - things they probably don't even imagine" or some such crap. I'm exaggerating (no!) but I really did always have my identity split up over several aspects of my life.
Law school...is a dodge for me. As long as I pursue goals, I still may BECOME something. Why I shouldn't be proud of what I am I'm not sure, but as long as I keep moving it's like I can keep hoping for more. This is one of those dating problems too - if you settle down with someone, you're giving up that dream that Mr(s). right will pop through the door in an instant. Criteria haunt me...
Insight later, I'm just happy now. Whee!
I used to never enjoy my accomplishments. I would work my ass off to achieve things, until I did achieve them, at which point I'd immediately devalue the goal and my efforts towards it. I got a 3.5 gpa, and then felt stupid because I ONLY got a 3.5, and thought I could have done a much better job of learning had I not pursued a gpa. I saved loads of money, and then was embarassed that it was so paltry compared to more wealthy people. Why? I'm not sure, but something...something has changed. Now I'm absolutely thrilled with my accomplishments. I'm actually celebrating! I'm not sure what I worked through or how, but it seems some weight has fallen off my shoulders over the past few years.
I also happened upon the discovery I'm maturationally back to a stage similar to one I entered around grad school - never accepting an identity. In clubs I'd think "Well I might not fit in with freaks, but hey I have a real life and will soon have a Master's degree so it doesn't matter." In school I'd think "Well, they may all be rich and doing well in their careers, but I'm out there having bisexual group leather sex - things they probably don't even imagine" or some such crap. I'm exaggerating (no!) but I really did always have my identity split up over several aspects of my life.
Law school...is a dodge for me. As long as I pursue goals, I still may BECOME something. Why I shouldn't be proud of what I am I'm not sure, but as long as I keep moving it's like I can keep hoping for more. This is one of those dating problems too - if you settle down with someone, you're giving up that dream that Mr(s). right will pop through the door in an instant. Criteria haunt me...
Insight later, I'm just happy now. Whee!
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no subject
Date: 2002-10-27 11:54 am (UTC)