vicarz | Real life replicates eljay (Reply)

I am an asshole - I'm your friend, the asshole.
I just got off the phone with a non blogging person, friend from years ago who I like and respect deeply. Unfortunately, she's probably fuming about what a management-sided asshole I am. I suspect in her mind I was "mean to her" when what she really wanted was empathy. In blog terms, she wanted me to comment hugs to her passive-aggressive post, but instead I left comments about flaws in her argument.

I know that if I've failed to communicate that I must accept some blame, and I do for I found myself getting impatient with her long stories of woe is her, but EGADS it's frustrating to want to help someone that just wants to do nothing productive about their situation. I tried to listen, but after 30 minutes of hearing all the bad ideas she had and incorrect legal conclusions regarding employment law I was frustrated myself. Never mind I'm at work and this motion isn't going to write itself.

Sigh. So I was listening to someone talk about how they sent nasty emails to their boss, bad idea I said, response was I didn't understand how she felt.
Worse response was I don't care if it was a bad idea, it felt good. So would drinking on the job.
I listened to all the mean things her boss did, and asked how often they occurred and who witnessed them, she felt I didn't understand what she was telling me or wasn't listening.
I asked when the comment(s) were made, and how long ago. That led to very unhappy pauses. Hint - an offhand comment to someone a year ago isn't going to make the judge leap out of their seat and slap your bitch-boss with their gavel - I didn't need to say it (and I wouldn't have said it).
I listened to her describe how it wasn't fair, I asked what grade level, title, and chain of supervision her "comparators" were - none were her same grade, title, chain of command.
And so on. I can't give legal advice, though I did recommend that she hit the EEOC.gov website because - and I'll tell this to ANYONE - their site is good and has fantastic Q&A sections. I can't guide her, but I did try to show her the weaknesses of her arguments without telling her.

She wasn't used to having anyone interrupt her story with questions, and the questions made it so obvious that her story didn't stand up to examination. I didn't lawyer her, unless to do so is equivalent to asking questions that make the person reflect and realize their rehearsed story doesn't hold water.

Maybe that is lawyering someone.

It was eljay in a phone conversation. I don't think she cut me off her f-list, but she's not happy with me in real life. I tried to re-tell her that I supported her and believed her, I paraphrased back to her what she was telling me, but that I didn't just go "Oh that sucks, I feel so sorry for you," seemed to be an insurmountable issue. After the last time she said I was devil's advocate "because I'm always defending mgt" (at least she realized I was devil's advocating her ass) and I didn't understand what it was like to be her gender/race...I said perhaps I don't, but I do know what it is like to be yelled at, threatened with performance action, threatened with discipline, doors slammed, talked about sideways and behind my back, called "faggot," "pussy," "little bitch," and the like; ripped on for whiteness, talked about how I'm going to hell because of my different/no religion; reassigned with the purpose of setting me up for failure...so if I don't know I'm not sure how you can convey that to me. Grr.

But I didn't fuck up and send nasty emails to my boss. I am finding the time to apply for other work, just like I did the last time things were bad. I did find the way to take all that anger and hurt to motivate my ass into taking ACTION. I know bitch-fests and sympathy are necessary, but she' been getting that for over 6 months.

I'm your friend the asshole. I won't trash you, I will try to deliver the message in the best possible way for you to hear it (I will not bitch slap you with legal arguments, ever), but I'm not just going to commiserate. If I see you doing wrong, I'll tell you. If you're hurting yourself, I'll tell you. I'll try to do it gently, but I'm not a friend to those who confuse loyalty with agreement.

Irony noted - I'm passive-aggressive eljay posting about someone who won't see this seeking affirmation for my 1-sided account of things.

However, while I'm venting my frustration and trying to face what I could have done better (which typing sometimes helps me see) I hope you can take a bit of learning from this - about yourself, or about interacting with me if I've pissed you off lately (can't think of anyone, but you never know).