At least it's not twitter

[vicarz]

Honestly, there is something wrong with me,
and honestly, I don't care.
First, I'm writing this at home while I listen to the sound of water falling into a bucket in the living room and watch the water-balloons in my bedroom walls grow larger. It seems evening is the time for leaking. I didn't shovel the roof yesterday because I figured I might damage the roof more. The roof guys came over today, and because they say they can't repair a wet roof - they shoveled the snow off the roof. I wonder what they got paid.

I worked my ass off yesterday and today in the office, just thought I'd share. I'm happy with the work I got done. It's a weird visit to middle-school mentality again - the work looks scary as all shit and I wonder how I'll get it all done in time, but if I just shut up and work on it...work on something, ANYTHING, it gets done and shrinks the minute I dig my mitts into the projects.

But there is something wrong with me. Video games.
It wasn't long ago I gave up my life to do law school. Every day I got up at 5:30, worked 7-3:30, ate and napped before class at 6, returning before or after 10 to sleep daily...then I'd do homework all fri night and Sat until boxing, eat and nap after boxing, and do the rest of my work. If I finished enough I was "allowed" to go to chiaro on sat night. I hiked with Kel on Sunday which ate most of the afternoon and evening. That was my entire damn life, and when it ended the bar started. When that ended, my marathon of hospital visits started and ended. There was no break until...well a long miserable personal hell.
Video games.
I now have a life. I have friends, they call and email me. I do things with people. I has a Janna, who has a me. I have TONS of time, and I sometimes use it. I go to the gym like I wanted to during law school...only I keep getting hurt so I can't lift like I like. I have food with friends.
I play old video games.
I bought a new computer (2), and new video games, but I don't play them. I swore off WoW w/o playing it since I played diablo too much. I moved away from the addictive diablo and into starcraft because "each game had an ending." I moved from starcraft to Lords of the Realm (2) because it was so relaxing instead of competitive or frustrating.

But...I play for hours. HOURS. I don't know why. I think I'm happy. I think I'm healthy. I think I'm active and doing ok in many aspects of life. Still I escape into putting the same puzzle together, over and over, with little thought, lots of routine, and no interaction whatsoever. I do not know why. I play a video game so old it confuses the graphics card like doom when it switches to dos.

Why? Why don't I read more? Why don't I watch those episodes of robot chicken? Why don't I watch tv? Why don't I re-tile the bathroom? Why don't I go to murky and read more? Why don't I hang out with friends more? Why don't I research those stock opportunities? Why don't I research real estate and buy a house? Why don't I ... walk around the city for no reason?

It's fine that I sit around doing nothing, in theory. Is my worrying about it irrational catholic guilt? Is it a need for relaxing? Is it a control issue? Should I worry about it at all? I don't miss any deadlines, nobody complains I avoid them, I am social to the point I may need more me time, my work is done on time, my bills are paid, the bucket is under the leak in the living room...

But why? Why so long? Why every day? Why do I still enjoy it?

Comments

[sparklypoof.livejournal.com]

perhaps you do it because of the repetition, the routine, the lack of thought - as a way to "unplug" and recharge through the familiar? you're already doing so much that is "active" and engaging your mind and fulfilling other "happy" inputs, perhaps you need the mindlessness of an old video game to decompress?

I also agree that it won't last forever; the pendulum is just swinging the other way, it'll balance out again eventually.

[kelowna.livejournal.com]

I hiked with Kel on Sunday which ate most of the afternoon and evening.

Thems were good times! Still wish we had ice cream more :(

There was no break until...well a long miserable personal hell.
:E

But why? Why so long? Why every day? Why do I still enjoy it?
Its your way of clearing your mind and finding refocus I suspect. Your tried and true form of self-time and relaxation. If it works, why question it? If it was really invading your social time and productivity to unhealthy levels then I'd worry. I don't see it as such.

--k

[vicar.livejournal.com]

The lack of ice cream was your health sensibility more than mine I think. Carousel?

Mike said something similar...but after so long, and when I'm happy?

Yeah the criteria for "problem" is often does it make you unhappy or interfere with life. Here I just feel a tad guilty that I'm not reading - of course were I reading I could feel guilty I wasn't working.

[kelowna.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I was trying to be healthy and sensible - still, shoulda had more ice cream. We earned it!

When I said "clear your mind" I didn't mean from shitty personal situations, I meant from day-to-day life. Many people refer to that as decompressing. It is exactly why people come home and plop in front of the television or turn on the radio or dabble in various hobbies by themselves. You can be perfectly happy and just want to transition out of the work day.

If you feel guilty, then read. Nothing is preventing you other than your own personal taste. Find a balance that keeps you from such questions or just accept you dig playing video games.

Or is this your weird way of asking for an INTERVENTION! Mwhahahhaa.

--k

Like water...

[american-arcane.livejournal.com]

...it all flows to distraction. ;)

Seriously, though, I've long used video games as a form of meditation and distraction. Some give my subconscious just what it needs to work through things and rest up. Others tickle the right parts of the cognitive centers to break through "logic" blocks that are causing problems. And sometimes, they're just a nice waste of time while waiting for other things to happen.

Also, may your roof and walls dry quickly so they can be fixed. Growing up in NY in a house with a poorly build second story thrown on top of an old roof, we regularly had ice build up between bits of house, work its way inside and melt. Not pleasant at all. (And we all know the luck I've had with water inside since I moved down here... *sigh*)

Re: Like water...

[vicar.livejournal.com]

Heh! Nice icon response :)

[djpsyche.livejournal.com]

You've earned a break. Enjoy the video games! TV is crap anyway. And you can take walks when the weather is nicer. :)

[railwaymadness]

I wouldn't say it was catholic guilt. Maybe puritan guilt.

You don't have to spend your whole life (over)achieving. But it can be hard to convince yourself of that. Older generations had gin to help them deal with the sudden advent of leisure time. Then they had TV. Now we have video games, too!

[vicar.livejournal.com]

Let us not dispute the power of grog, rum, gin, vodka, rum, beer, rum, and the power of rum!

Also . . .

[thesaucemonster.livejournal.com]

Do not dispute the power of Crom!

Or James Earl Jones as a snake deity gettin' all the fine honeys . . .