How to Have a Happy Relationship
Feb. 13th, 2009 06:28 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
vicarzaka Relationship Ideas That Should Be Obvious But Aren't.
Cross posted fromalumiere who linked from http://tacit.livejournal.com/280915.html
My edits - want the full cute story, see the original post.
1. You can't expect to have what you want if you don't ask for what you want.
This is arguably one of the most basic rules for all of life, yet it's surprising how often we forget. There's almost no greater recipe for emotional turmoil then wanting something or harboring some expectation, not telling anyone about it, and then not getting it. Next time you get really, really upset about some desire or expectation not being met, stop and ask yourself: "Did I actually let the people around me know about it?" (Here's a tip: Dropping hints about what you want doesn't count. Neither does wishing really hard. Nor waiting for the folks around you to become telepathic.)
Neither do passive-aggressive blog posts...
2. If all of your relationships (end) in the same exact way and end badly in the same exact way, then maybe it's because of something you're doing.
Seriously. The one common element in all your relationship failures is you.
How often have I said this!? It doesn't just apply to people you fuck...
If all of your relationships end the same way, maybe it's time to step back and take a good, hard look at the kinds of folks you're attracted to.
I'd go farther than this...it's not who you're attracted to, it's also what you do, how you feel about yourself (it shows), how you treat others, how much you care about others (no matter how you act, it shows), how you develop or don't...look around...how many friends have you had for how long? How many of your friends are friends? Does your family generally like and respect you? If you only have friends in limited situations, don't assume that you're eclectic and wonderful, able to fit in anywhere. Perhaps you don't fit in anywhere, and you can only get along if you remain isolated with limited contact under controlled conditions. None of us has 100% of friends who love each other, but the more disjointed your social spiderweb is the more disjointed you might be. It might be time you humbled yourself, again, and try to be a person who can be liked when all of you is known...
3. If you find that sex always becomes boring after a while in all your relationships, maybe it's because you're choosing to let it.
Never heard anyone say this, but I don't know any churchgoers
(ok, edit to my edit...the fact I need to rag on churchgoers doesn't say good things about me...
A sure way to make yourself crazy and have a boring sex life is to keep worrying about whether trying something new would be "too weird." The expression "That's too weird" has done more to advance the cause of boring sex than all the world's religions combined.
Zing! Ok that part was good, but again not something people I know have trouble with.
4. Going into a relationship with the expectation that you can get your partner to change is quite likely to end in tears.
Duh.
5. A relationship in which you say "This relationship is absolutely wonderful except for..." is not absolutely wonderful.
Especially when the part that comes after the "except for..." is something so horrifying it'd make most folks run for the hills. This relationship is wonderful except for the fact that we're completely incompatible in bed. This relationship is wonderful except for the fact that she keeps forgetting to take her meds. This relationship is wonderful except for the fact that he can't talk honestly about his feelings. Look out! For maximum effect, try combining "this relationship is wonderful except for..." with "...but I know I can change him" and double your suck!
Sounds like Savage Love...sage advice
6. A partner who is kind to you but not kind to the waitress isn't a kind person.
Seriously. The fact that he's kind to you might just mean that he wants something from you. (Or that you're not his property...yet. Marry that person who's nice to you but not nice to the waitress and you might just find that once the ring is on your finger, he may start treating you like the waitress. Or worse.) The way a person treats the folks around him reveals a lot about his true self. Pay attention.
This is also called "The Kelowna rule" in my world (she is very sensitive to how people treat service staff of any type - as we all should be); however, like many other lessons think more broadly than these particular words used. If people hate that person - listen to them. Not one or two people, but groups or types of people. Nobody who is a dick to some people fails to just be a dick. Nice to you, nice to his bosses, nice to fuck-buddies, nice to people in public...is not the same as nice. If you have to explain to others that so-n-so's reputation isn't deserved - you're a fool, a douche-enabler.
Again, this rule applies well to friends as well.
7. It is possible to deeply, profoundly, genuinely, truly love someone, and yet that person might still not be a good partner for you.
It takes more than love to make a relationship work. A person you love, but who is incompatible with you, or who lacks good relationship skills, or who can't communicate with you, is not going to make for a functional, healthy relationship.
8. You can't have intimacy without sharing.
Everything you conceal from your partner undermines the foundation of intimacy upon which relationships are built. No, that doesn't mean telling your partner every time you take a dump (and why is it that folks who don't cotton to sharing and openness always reach for that example?). But it does mean sharing everything that's important, significant, or meaningful. Especially if it's uncomfortable, because the fact that it's uncomfortable probably means there's something important lurking in there. Communication ain't for sissies.
9. What you get out depends on what you put in. Approach every new partner with fear and suspicion, and you'll have fearful, suspicious partners.
Te best way to have a friend is to be a friend. The best way to have people around you who have compassion and integrity is to be a person with compassion and integrity. The best way to fill your life with suck and fail is to fill other people's lives with suck and fail.
See #6 above as well
You know that saying "opposites attract"? It's rubbish. Honest people look for, and attract, other honest people.
That sub-point/comment is worth bolding...also, is that sweet victim with the asshole they're dating really a victim, or just another type of douche?
9. A person who has cheated on someone else to be with you cannot be trusted not to cheat on you to be with someone else.
Duh
No, your relationship with them is not different. Your love is not a rare and unique flower, so totally set apart from that train wreck he just escaped. You know how he tells you that you're so much better than his ex? I bet he says the same thing about you to the other person he's shagging.
10. Be wary of a person who trashes all their exes in front of you, for someday you'll likely be on that list yourself.
You know that person with the long list of former partners, all of whom were shrill, obnoxious harpies? Does something seem odd about that list to you?
Best case scenario, it means he keeps getting involved with the same sorts of people again and again, and doesn't learn anything from any of those experiences. What do you reckon that says about you?
Worst case scenario, it's a clear sign of someone who doesn't take responsibility for his own part in all those past train wrecks. Which means he ain't learning from any of them. Which means...you're the next train wreck. What do you suppose he'll say about you to the train wreck that follows after you?
I only date crazy people...they're all crazy, but I'm wonderful?
Again, this lesson applies well to friends, family, life...
11. Tell the truth from the start, and you won't have to worry about any nasty revelations down the road.
Especially about things you worry might scare her off. Seriously, if the truth about you makes you incompatible as a romantic partner, you want to scare her off. You're bisexual but your new love interest hates gays? You fancy country music and your partner would rather die than listen to it? Hiding those things doesn't help your cause; it merely makes the blowup that much more dramatic when the truth comes out. Which it will, eventually.
Duh, so duh it's not clear why it's here
If there are any danger signals about me in the above, it would have to be that I hear I can be a dick. I say some pretty inconsiderate things about others, and have issues with being judgmental. It's something I continue to work on, but yeah...flaw. I often wonder if I'd like myself if I met my time-traveling doppelganger. Well, the answer to that question is much easier than I realized...respect everyone and make everyone feel as if they are valued, and yes...you'll like you. Try to be that world in which everyone, within reason, is accepted for who they are and what they do. Let people be a little bit of a dick - you don't know how their day was or how they see the situation (without being a doormat or allowing egregiously bad behavior). If you have problems with people, deal with the behavior in question - not the person's character. ie calling someone a dick is a world apart from saying they are a dick. So, yeah. Don't be a dick, Jose.
For me not being a dick seems to involve changing how I react inside, because the route from brain to mouth is without gates.
Cross posted from
alumiere who linked from http://tacit.livejournal.com/280915.htmlMy edits - want the full cute story, see the original post.
1. You can't expect to have what you want if you don't ask for what you want.
This is arguably one of the most basic rules for all of life, yet it's surprising how often we forget. There's almost no greater recipe for emotional turmoil then wanting something or harboring some expectation, not telling anyone about it, and then not getting it. Next time you get really, really upset about some desire or expectation not being met, stop and ask yourself: "Did I actually let the people around me know about it?" (Here's a tip: Dropping hints about what you want doesn't count. Neither does wishing really hard. Nor waiting for the folks around you to become telepathic.)
Neither do passive-aggressive blog posts...
2. If all of your relationships (end) in the same exact way and end badly in the same exact way, then maybe it's because of something you're doing.
Seriously. The one common element in all your relationship failures is you.
How often have I said this!? It doesn't just apply to people you fuck...
If all of your relationships end the same way, maybe it's time to step back and take a good, hard look at the kinds of folks you're attracted to.
I'd go farther than this...it's not who you're attracted to, it's also what you do, how you feel about yourself (it shows), how you treat others, how much you care about others (no matter how you act, it shows), how you develop or don't...look around...how many friends have you had for how long? How many of your friends are friends? Does your family generally like and respect you? If you only have friends in limited situations, don't assume that you're eclectic and wonderful, able to fit in anywhere. Perhaps you don't fit in anywhere, and you can only get along if you remain isolated with limited contact under controlled conditions. None of us has 100% of friends who love each other, but the more disjointed your social spiderweb is the more disjointed you might be. It might be time you humbled yourself, again, and try to be a person who can be liked when all of you is known...
3. If you find that sex always becomes boring after a while in all your relationships, maybe it's because you're choosing to let it.
Never heard anyone say this, but I don't know any churchgoers
(ok, edit to my edit...the fact I need to rag on churchgoers doesn't say good things about me...
A sure way to make yourself crazy and have a boring sex life is to keep worrying about whether trying something new would be "too weird." The expression "That's too weird" has done more to advance the cause of boring sex than all the world's religions combined.
Zing! Ok that part was good, but again not something people I know have trouble with.
4. Going into a relationship with the expectation that you can get your partner to change is quite likely to end in tears.
Duh.
5. A relationship in which you say "This relationship is absolutely wonderful except for..." is not absolutely wonderful.
Especially when the part that comes after the "except for..." is something so horrifying it'd make most folks run for the hills. This relationship is wonderful except for the fact that we're completely incompatible in bed. This relationship is wonderful except for the fact that she keeps forgetting to take her meds. This relationship is wonderful except for the fact that he can't talk honestly about his feelings. Look out! For maximum effect, try combining "this relationship is wonderful except for..." with "...but I know I can change him" and double your suck!
Sounds like Savage Love...sage advice
6. A partner who is kind to you but not kind to the waitress isn't a kind person.
Seriously. The fact that he's kind to you might just mean that he wants something from you. (Or that you're not his property...yet. Marry that person who's nice to you but not nice to the waitress and you might just find that once the ring is on your finger, he may start treating you like the waitress. Or worse.) The way a person treats the folks around him reveals a lot about his true self. Pay attention.
This is also called "The Kelowna rule" in my world (she is very sensitive to how people treat service staff of any type - as we all should be); however, like many other lessons think more broadly than these particular words used. If people hate that person - listen to them. Not one or two people, but groups or types of people. Nobody who is a dick to some people fails to just be a dick. Nice to you, nice to his bosses, nice to fuck-buddies, nice to people in public...is not the same as nice. If you have to explain to others that so-n-so's reputation isn't deserved - you're a fool, a douche-enabler.
Again, this rule applies well to friends as well.
7. It is possible to deeply, profoundly, genuinely, truly love someone, and yet that person might still not be a good partner for you.
It takes more than love to make a relationship work. A person you love, but who is incompatible with you, or who lacks good relationship skills, or who can't communicate with you, is not going to make for a functional, healthy relationship.
8. You can't have intimacy without sharing.
Everything you conceal from your partner undermines the foundation of intimacy upon which relationships are built. No, that doesn't mean telling your partner every time you take a dump (and why is it that folks who don't cotton to sharing and openness always reach for that example?). But it does mean sharing everything that's important, significant, or meaningful. Especially if it's uncomfortable, because the fact that it's uncomfortable probably means there's something important lurking in there. Communication ain't for sissies.
9. What you get out depends on what you put in. Approach every new partner with fear and suspicion, and you'll have fearful, suspicious partners.
Te best way to have a friend is to be a friend. The best way to have people around you who have compassion and integrity is to be a person with compassion and integrity. The best way to fill your life with suck and fail is to fill other people's lives with suck and fail.
See #6 above as well
You know that saying "opposites attract"? It's rubbish. Honest people look for, and attract, other honest people.
That sub-point/comment is worth bolding...also, is that sweet victim with the asshole they're dating really a victim, or just another type of douche?
9. A person who has cheated on someone else to be with you cannot be trusted not to cheat on you to be with someone else.
Duh
No, your relationship with them is not different. Your love is not a rare and unique flower, so totally set apart from that train wreck he just escaped. You know how he tells you that you're so much better than his ex? I bet he says the same thing about you to the other person he's shagging.
10. Be wary of a person who trashes all their exes in front of you, for someday you'll likely be on that list yourself.
You know that person with the long list of former partners, all of whom were shrill, obnoxious harpies? Does something seem odd about that list to you?
Best case scenario, it means he keeps getting involved with the same sorts of people again and again, and doesn't learn anything from any of those experiences. What do you reckon that says about you?
Worst case scenario, it's a clear sign of someone who doesn't take responsibility for his own part in all those past train wrecks. Which means he ain't learning from any of them. Which means...you're the next train wreck. What do you suppose he'll say about you to the train wreck that follows after you?
I only date crazy people...they're all crazy, but I'm wonderful?
Again, this lesson applies well to friends, family, life...
11. Tell the truth from the start, and you won't have to worry about any nasty revelations down the road.
Especially about things you worry might scare her off. Seriously, if the truth about you makes you incompatible as a romantic partner, you want to scare her off. You're bisexual but your new love interest hates gays? You fancy country music and your partner would rather die than listen to it? Hiding those things doesn't help your cause; it merely makes the blowup that much more dramatic when the truth comes out. Which it will, eventually.
Duh, so duh it's not clear why it's here
If there are any danger signals about me in the above, it would have to be that I hear I can be a dick. I say some pretty inconsiderate things about others, and have issues with being judgmental. It's something I continue to work on, but yeah...flaw. I often wonder if I'd like myself if I met my time-traveling doppelganger. Well, the answer to that question is much easier than I realized...respect everyone and make everyone feel as if they are valued, and yes...you'll like you. Try to be that world in which everyone, within reason, is accepted for who they are and what they do. Let people be a little bit of a dick - you don't know how their day was or how they see the situation (without being a doormat or allowing egregiously bad behavior). If you have problems with people, deal with the behavior in question - not the person's character. ie calling someone a dick is a world apart from saying they are a dick. So, yeah. Don't be a dick, Jose.
For me not being a dick seems to involve changing how I react inside, because the route from brain to mouth is without gates.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2009-02-13 01:14 pm (UTC)Getting married won't fix the problems in your relationship. It will only make them worse.
If she lost weight for the wedding, she'll gain it back again afterwards. And probably more.
If all your friends hate him/her, THEY'RE RIGHT. Run away!
no subject
Date: 2009-02-13 01:18 pm (UTC)Married doesn't fix problems - see also MAKING BABIES! This is my favorite way to keep a guy who strays...get preggers, and he's sure to settle down with you!
Lost weight - applies to other short-term changes, but hey...if it's something you both want to do together it could be a change or hobby you enjoy as a unit.
I think the friends point fits into #6
no subject
Date: 2009-02-13 01:58 pm (UTC)And yes. If he agrees to stop going to strip clubs so you'll marry him... etc.
no subject
Date: 2009-02-13 05:52 pm (UTC)This.
no subject
Date: 2009-02-14 01:54 am (UTC)Again, this rule applies well to friends as well.
I don't know about this one so much (despite how it lands on the end of the Kelowna Rule).
I've had people not like me and call me a "bitch". Bitch is a very broad term and gained from very superficial interactions.
"She didn't say hi to me when she was running around trying to get something done at the club." "BITCH"
"My boyfriend is smiling while talking to her." "BITCH"
"She is standing by herself listening to music and I come up and want to talk but she just wants to listen to music" "BITCH"
"She won't sleep with me" "BITCH"
"She didn't laugh at my joke" "BITCH"
"She was in a bad mood" "BITCH"
"She didn't [insert any random thing said person wanted that I didn't deliver]" "BITCH"
Not all reputations are earned in an absolute way.
9. A person who has cheated on someone else to be with you cannot be trusted not to cheat on you to be with someone else.
Depends. I think it is less about cheating and more about honesty. If trust is built up and lines of communication are open then "cheating" is less likely to happen - it becomes an "open" relationship. Rare. But can happen.
10. Be wary of a person who trashes all their exes in front of you, for someday you'll likely be on that list yourself.
ABSOLUTELY. Less about "trash" more about air very very intimate secrets/dirty laundry.
For me not being a dick seems to involve changing how I react inside, because the route from brain to mouth is without gates.
I think it is about building empathy and understanding. A friend that I know up here has a way of putting it. She says "Do we know each other like THAT" meaning "can I speak freely". I think because you broadcast on LJ to people that you may not know "like that" that your free speech is easily misunderstood. Add in a dash of needed empathy "Ohhhhhh talking about fat/dumb/poor/blonde people like that may make my fat/dumb/poor/blonde friend feel REALLY bad" could help.
--k