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Dec. 15th, 2008 08:55 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
vicarzShe's all of 22...
The hill is full of 20-somethings - I'd hate to work there.
Age is weird. I've never cared about age, and now I guess I'm supposed to - though I don't think I ever will as anything but an afterthought. When I was 17 I didn't care, when I was 25, 30, 40...now I just hear about it from other people. I mean I can see age as an indicator of experience and maturity - but the association is so loose that I can't really take it seriously. Do I seem 40 to you? I think I dated a 40 something when I was 20...or was that 30? Probably dated a teenager around that time too - it really didn't matter. I suppose if you look at the things I value in a person, even in terms of looks, you'd find my taste has matured with age - but I don't think of age as the reason so it's odd to me to hear people use that as a criteria. This is USia - maturity is so rare that you should gravitate towards it where you can find it. Says the man with the sad-bunny t-shirt. I do know that for all my body is in the best shape of my life that my face is showing age - it's weird because I don't look at faces much, even my own. Is that what I look like?
Dood asked me to spot him yesterday. I had just happily deep squatted 255 for 10, I may be nearing a move-up in weight FINALLY. He was doing the same weight - as lunges. He noted that I couldn't really do anything if he had a problem, but he just wanted the illusion of assurance. He leg pressed as many weights as the machine could take on the bar. I don't think I'm catching up to him - still, my weight is going up and that makes me happy.
Heard a reference that I can only be taken in small doses. Huh. I'm blowing through more friends, or they me, and finding that again when I hold people to any kind of standard that I wind up spending far more time alone. I think my choice socially, lovers or friends, is whore or recluse with standards. Now, I probably should figure out something to do besides solitary activities when this happens, but honestly it hurts to shun or be shunned, and I often want to curl up when it's over. I always am left with the feeling that I'm lost from my tribe, and while I keep looking for them it's been too long to think I'd ever find them. Imagine Stellaluna without a happy ending - finding the bats only to discovery you're not a bat either. Typing LJ posts isn't going to do anything any more than playing video games alone at home.
Typing about things in LJ isn't doing anything though, perhaps it helps me organize my thoughts or find idiotic ones unavoidable when I look at them later. I do things, I did school, I do work, I keep going to the gym - but what actions to I take to get out of this rut? Or am I just wired this way and no matter what I do I'll be "stuck here?" That would be consistent with my life. Is there something I do or do I ooze a pheromone? I mean I know I could pretend to care about things I don't, sympathize for problems people make themselves and not give advice, smile, be reckless and fun...never ask for anything, care less or not at all. Just be pretty and fun - everybody loves that but me.
I fight the urge to run around clubs just in gear or half naked - don't need that attention, but at the same time I never get around to joining that running club, never get around to joining that hiking group...why not? Not volunteering in local charities or politics - what holds me back?
The hill is full of 20-somethings - I'd hate to work there.
Age is weird. I've never cared about age, and now I guess I'm supposed to - though I don't think I ever will as anything but an afterthought. When I was 17 I didn't care, when I was 25, 30, 40...now I just hear about it from other people. I mean I can see age as an indicator of experience and maturity - but the association is so loose that I can't really take it seriously. Do I seem 40 to you? I think I dated a 40 something when I was 20...or was that 30? Probably dated a teenager around that time too - it really didn't matter. I suppose if you look at the things I value in a person, even in terms of looks, you'd find my taste has matured with age - but I don't think of age as the reason so it's odd to me to hear people use that as a criteria. This is USia - maturity is so rare that you should gravitate towards it where you can find it. Says the man with the sad-bunny t-shirt. I do know that for all my body is in the best shape of my life that my face is showing age - it's weird because I don't look at faces much, even my own. Is that what I look like?
Dood asked me to spot him yesterday. I had just happily deep squatted 255 for 10, I may be nearing a move-up in weight FINALLY. He was doing the same weight - as lunges. He noted that I couldn't really do anything if he had a problem, but he just wanted the illusion of assurance. He leg pressed as many weights as the machine could take on the bar. I don't think I'm catching up to him - still, my weight is going up and that makes me happy.
Heard a reference that I can only be taken in small doses. Huh. I'm blowing through more friends, or they me, and finding that again when I hold people to any kind of standard that I wind up spending far more time alone. I think my choice socially, lovers or friends, is whore or recluse with standards. Now, I probably should figure out something to do besides solitary activities when this happens, but honestly it hurts to shun or be shunned, and I often want to curl up when it's over. I always am left with the feeling that I'm lost from my tribe, and while I keep looking for them it's been too long to think I'd ever find them. Imagine Stellaluna without a happy ending - finding the bats only to discovery you're not a bat either. Typing LJ posts isn't going to do anything any more than playing video games alone at home.
Typing about things in LJ isn't doing anything though, perhaps it helps me organize my thoughts or find idiotic ones unavoidable when I look at them later. I do things, I did school, I do work, I keep going to the gym - but what actions to I take to get out of this rut? Or am I just wired this way and no matter what I do I'll be "stuck here?" That would be consistent with my life. Is there something I do or do I ooze a pheromone? I mean I know I could pretend to care about things I don't, sympathize for problems people make themselves and not give advice, smile, be reckless and fun...never ask for anything, care less or not at all. Just be pretty and fun - everybody loves that but me.
I fight the urge to run around clubs just in gear or half naked - don't need that attention, but at the same time I never get around to joining that running club, never get around to joining that hiking group...why not? Not volunteering in local charities or politics - what holds me back?
