(no subject)

[vicarz]

I can't have it myself, I see nothing but pain and failure forever. I fail at work, failed at school, and no matter what social environment I get myself into I never belong. I can be around the nicest or not so nice, it doesn't matter as I'm only allowed to tag along out of charity, I'm not wanted there or anywhere. I've only been dicked in relationships and know I'll never be loved for more than a few hours until I'm another notch, another round of therapy for some selfish fuck, another laugh, another human allegory tossed aside when the lesson is over. I can work as hard as I want, kiss all the ass in the world, but I never get to anything more than survival. I can afford enough to buy the tv and movies to disappear into a world of illusion and fantasize about what I cannot be, who I do not know, where I will never be, and things I will never do. But I can see that life, I can see it on the television. I can see it on the street, on the subway. I can even sit in the coffee shoppe, watching you lonely and happy bastards writing in your joy and my lonely sorrow. I keep smiling at children, keep smiling at people together, nice scenes and happy people - but it's not for me. I've done all I can do, been as nice as anyone - much nicer than those fucking fucks who get the love, who have the money, who continually reject me and don't want me to be a part of their happy lives. Nice? Happy? The meanest people are loved and while I try my best to make a positive difference all I get is dashes of tolerance and heaps of rejection. I'm small - that's another failure, I can work forever in the gym, in the dojo, but I'm still just a scared short skinny little fag. Everyone knows it they know all this, I see it in their eyes on the street when they look at me. I want it to end. What you can't have yourself, that the most decent people deny you the most basic things, you can take away from others. I watch every mass murder, the Indian reservation, the columbine, the mall food court shooter, the kids in Denmark and their internet buddies, the skinheads in Kentucky - they know the answer, and a few of them carry out their beauty. You know what? When you plunge into a mall, school, or church and start blammity blam blam blamming all those motherfuckers who kept you out, you matter. When you fall to another bullet, the shooter is a hero and you matter - you made someone have an opportunity to be a hero. He will never forget you, and as you bring him or her respect, you'll live in their stories. All the victims who live will remember you, those who don't will have relatives who hate you and keep your memory alive longer than if you just worked and watched tv for the rest of your life. The love they feel for the rest of their lives will be in part relief from the hate they feel for you. Their hate, fear, loathing will mean you exist. When that daddy sees the news, and realized that could have been him, and he pulls his tiny daughter close to his chest because he realizes that could have been her, and he feels that fear, and he expresses that love right then and there so much greater because he's facing that it can be taken away...that's me. Those feelings are me, caused by me. You may not be invited, but you were bigger than those who were. I can't have it but I can take it away. You want to matter, you want love, you do everything you know and still there is nothing...so you can matter in a negative sense. It's not really an urge to hurt, to destroy, but it is the only way you can affect something you find beautiful - really it's art. The nice and bad thing about today is anyone can kill anyone - they'll just get caught. This is why there is so much suicide - you can take your revenge sure, but not get away with it. I watch every such shooter, and I feel them. I publicly decry their act, but I understand. I used to say that the thing keeping me from it was my investment in the future. Well, when I've looked at a pattern that has grown into years, when this is all I see without end, there is no investment in the future. There is no love. There is no family. There are no kids. Nobody needs me, nobody wants me. Society is just a larger conglomerate of groups of people that would reject me. I even have seen the money I've saved, while the irresponsible live lives of fun and leisure while they mortgage the future of themselves (to depend on society's charity to make up for their failure to plan) and their own children, I've seen this money poof. Now I see that money I saved is disappearing with years of my life's sweat going into the air in days. Now even my lonely future in which I find solace in alcohol and fantasy is being taken away. My apt didn't sell and now I'm in the hole and can barely make payments. My job is in peril and I'm not really that good at anything. One more power hungry bitch wanting to make an example of me the next time I don't rim her deep enough is all it'll take to put me on the street, and I don't have the friends to protect me. My friends...fuck what friends, my acquaintances who let me tag along out of pity, are about done with me too. Lovers, that will never happen again. The things that kept me from going postal, from switching from trying to make a difference to actually making a difference...they're vanishing and the more I think, the more I look, the less I see that keeps me from taking action. It's hard for a coward like me, who winces and retreats, but it's much easier to feel pain for a short time than to accept decades more of being a lonely outcast. I will matter to many of you, I will be famous for a moment, I will be heard by OTHERS OF MY KIND, I will be recorded in the media and news, and what I can't have I will take away from others. I will have it - oh I will have it.

I'm a disenfranchised mall shooter. Happy Halloween!

Comments

[freja999.livejournal.com]

Do you need a gun? Give me a call if you do.

Best. Holiday. Ever.

[vicar.livejournal.com]

I used to say the only reason I didn't Columbine was that I didn't have a friend and a gun. Now I have both...

Re: Best. Holiday. Ever.

[turbogrrl.livejournal.com]

seee? And here you thought you didn't!

We're all outsiders. Anyone tells you different, they're selling you something.

The schoolgirl on my shirt is blowing her head into butterflies.

[grymnir.livejournal.com]

happy new year.
oh...you meant this as a "costume"...
[and here I was thinking what caliber to get you...]

[turbogrrl.livejournal.com]

nothing with too much recoil; he's a small guy.

I was thinking mini-14, with a pistol grip.

Browsing by

[raskalnikov.livejournal.com]

Reminds me of Shakespeare's Sonnet 29.

Re: Browsing by

[vicar.livejournal.com]

Interesting. There is no emotional state that hasn't been explored throughout history.

[alumiere.livejournal.com]

for a few sentances i thoght you were serious - this is quite scary yet will well written

hugs

[vicar.livejournal.com]

It's all quite real - only the emphasis was changed a tad

[lilu22.livejournal.com]

Oh, I get it now. Wow!
Thank god someone said "I thought you were serious" otherwise I would be suggesting therapy and quick.
Eek.