vicarz | Rediscovering humility

I'm tired. I went out Thur, Fri, Sat, and last night. Today I "took the day off," and wrote the following while reading a book in Murky. It seemed important at the time, but I've thought this before and proven myself wrong later. I did that cardio crap I hate so much, had lunch, and read some more. I've returned to this now, and still find it compelling so under the cuts is my self-indulgent writing.

Why I'm not a lawyer - right > cautious
Today (after murky, I'm out of order here) I got a call as prez of the condo assoc. A girl called because her apt bathroom had water dripping down from the ceiling, she could hear water running upstairs, and the tenant was nowhere to be found. I have the key and the ability to get in any unit (assuming they follow the rules and keep a key on file). I have only fetched keys for people who locked themselves out until today - my first "water emergency." I could have called the plumber on his off-duty rate, had him report, given him the key, and billed this poor schmuck a load of cash to do plumbing on labor day. That was probably the most cautious legal approach. Instead, I knocked, entered an called out, and finding nobody home went to the flooded bathroom and turned off the water at the source of the problem. This allows the girl downstairs to end the ceiling shower, keeps the plumber drunk at his bbq, and costs the resident/owner hundreds less in expenses. I guess the risk is if I broke a priceless lamp, or he now claims I broke a priceless lamp and sues the dev't, then my decision was a bad one. I erred on the side of the common good - this is why I'm not a lawyer.

Reflections on social interaction
I was going to post about a party I went to last night, as I really enjoyed the company there. It was a diverse group, but I was looking for a thread of commonality because I had so much fun and got so engaged with these strangers. Many may have been from GWU, and I recalled that years ago I had a really good time hanging out with a bunch of graduate law students from the school as well. What was the thread that tied these events together? Wealth and class? Something about the school? Formal education? Hardworking parents? What is the link that I can find to bond better with people? My line of thinking, unarticulated, was that there is a group of people that are out there and I could just meet them that my life would be as I want it.

Then I realized that for all those nifty folks last night, I didn't put together any activity that would foster further communications. Once again, the weak link was me. The person who introduced me to this group of people was very outgoing, and instantly made links on the first day we met that resulted in a long series of activities and a friendship. He took risks, reached out, and produced results. What am I doing? Riding along, analyzing results, looking for patterns, and pondering without making any real change in behavior. I'm missing some steps between enjoying the moment, and wanting some sort of end product. There were people who wanted to talk to me more, invites to go to the black cat - but I was quite comfortable to let it all end there. Do I need to fill in steps, or am I over-estimating how much I want that end product?

A lot of people started conversations by asking what I did - I often forgot to reciprocate the inquiry. The reality is what - I don't have that habit, or I don't care?

I look over all my decisions and upon review I would make each one again. However, while I'm generally confident that I've done right in each case - I can't help but note the end result in numbers when it comes to personal relationships.
Numbers: I got my level of education about 10 years after most of my similarly educated and compensated peers.
If I had a kid as a young adult, they would be out of the house now (18-20, in college).
If I have a child now, today, it will be ready for college at about my retirement age.

If I'm unhappy with my situation, no amount of reflecting is going to fix that if I continue to act the same way. I need to change. I need to get outside of what I'm comfortable with, take risks, and act different. I don't know why I'm so late in life for where I am intellectually, financially, socially (especially socially) but it's time to take this analysis and move with it. Take risks, make mistakes, learn from whatever - pick up and move on.

OR learn to appreciate what I have and just enjoy my life. It might be better than the alternative.

Making situations is important. I think I'll move - not because I want to, but because it's nice to give your friends and opportunity to make you indebted to them. I enjoy it when my friends give me a chance to do something for them - listening in particular. It's somewhere in the exchange of give and take that real friendships emerge (or dissolve).

The guy beside me is, failing? He started conversation with me, riding off a joke I made with a passing friend. Now he's reading the paper and for the second time has started conversation with the woman across from him based on something he was reading. I found his body language annoyingly aggressive when he approached, more so now that his mouth is involved; however, eventually his ventures into social strangerland should net results. Still creepy though - I blew him off hard. ... I stand corrected; the woman he shared two articles with just responded with a paper quote of her own. Huh. Now they're talking about a movie, he's asked if she's interested in seeing it. Wow. Ah, they already know each other. I failed at reading the situation, not that it matters to anyone but me.

If I'm going to be negative, at least be clever. "This isn't a slut, it's a relationship allegory." That might be another fun t-shirt "Human allegory."

Progress through adversity?
Everything I like in life is the product of struggle and adversity. I work out a ton, it hurts, and most annoying it takes a lot of research - but I love the results and even the activity makes me happy. My job is a blast, but it was hard as hell and took years to prepare for and learn. My best friends are the ones I've fought with, struggled through issues with, and worked out through countless crises a beneficial relationship. I dove into work, and have become adept at a line of work I barely knew a year ago. I've identified weaknesses and strengths with a program for further growth. I've stopped some negative social behaviors socially, and moved into more productive and healthy ones.

In my career I say I look for comfort, but when I look at what I have actually enjoyed it isn't the comfort so much as growth. I enjoy to jump into something new, to learn, to start to venture out, and master a new skill set. I enjoy executing that skill set to the point of mastery. I like mastery, but there comes a point where it is time to move on. Maybe, while I talk about and look for security, I really enjoy the challenge aspect of the job and was just not aware of it.

I think I may stop spending so much time defending myself against socio-political attacks and just work. I am sick of saving and sending emails to avoid being misquoted, or keeping phone notes for the same reason, and covering the language of everything I do for fear of someone calling me blunt. I have a reputation I have built up for years, and I am not convinced that the benefit to being able to prove my detractors wrong is as important as the things I achieve when I simply work hard on something I want to produce.