(no subject)

[vicarz]

The fact I just recorded my first computer/media center episode of Metalocalypse is diminished a tad by the woot deal today for about the same cost as this machine 6 mos ago with far better specs. I still can't get the stupid remote to work for the cable box, but at least the video recorded. Of course, the screen is shrunk for some reason...but other than that, perfect. Yeah. I also have as many remote controls as a janitor has keys.

I go to murky and create a mood. I sit at home, watch a movie, drinking, and a mood is created. I don't drop acid to perceive reality as more than it is, but I do create feelings without origin through drug use and escapism. I am positively fascinated by me, my navel never failing to entertain me and somehow I convince myself that it is important - it feels important, my words sound important - but if I put them through the "other people" filter they ring hollow. I have strong feelings and want to express important things, but that is just a feeling - what is the origin of the feeling? What lesson can I teach to others? What the hell have I learned that is of use to me, lest of all someone else?

Puppies are cute - they just are. You look at them and have an emotional experience - warm fuzzies caused by seeing puppies. It isn't a bad thing - empathy is necessary biology in social mammals, but it's easy to fall into the trap of following a feeling rather than the substance behind it. Music sets moods, do the words or artist matter? A writer paints his picture - does his audience matter when he writes? Does the writer actually matter to the audience?

I finally made it through "go ask ogre," a book as annoying as "prozac nation." It's not that the picture, the perspective, is all bad - it's interesting and takes me back to thought patterns I once had. It's also filled with pictures of a girl that looks like Kelowna in 1983 (or 95). However, there is no progression - it's just a long, repetitive, annoying snapshot of someone who is feeling strong emotions with no origin or substance to back them up. I understand the author being fascinated, they relive the emotions as they go through the writings - but anyone else? You could read a page in the beginning, the middle, and the afterward and not miss a thing. The author in each case is self-absorbed and looking for some reason the outside world should reflect their emotional state rather than the converse. Now reading this...am I different? Am I progressing at all? How long do I spend in recovery until I'm fixed? Am I progressing or just spinning in circles? I do feel better, I've moved on...but in my personal J-curve I'm disappointed with the current pace.

http://pics.livejournal.com/vicar/pic/0002hgqf