vicarz: (Everyone has more sex than bunny)
[personal profile] vicarz

Yes I'm going to post. It's been driven into my thick skull again that it is important to be loved for all of you, the good, the bad, and the ugly. And the part that quotes westerns.

I've gone completely apeshit. I'm not sure why - upset with reason, got it. Upset for stupid reasons, yep, got it. But...not even knowing what is driving me nuts? I tried to describe it - like, and this one's for the authorities, a satellite was beaming a bad feeling into my head from space. So I had this horrible feeling, but when looking around in my life for reasons why I just couldn't give a face to the feeling. I mean I have issues, duh look around and put your ear to the ground, but nothing seemed to make sense for the degree of the bad feelings.

I have some awesome fucking friends. I'd like more, but good god I like what I have. Feeling accepted for who I are, fuckups and all. I guess you can't remember that feeling because it's so amazing when you get it. When you feel it, to fuck all with anything else. In the ideal world, if we're not like that and I'm talking to you, I am getting paid.

I'm in the odd position where I revealed more than I meant to, ever, and seemingly was not rejected - hell commonalities were found in the most unexpected of places. I'm being vague again, aren't I? Well, lesson to try and retain this time is to really just be who I am. Not to be a raging asshole with no self-restraint or responsibility for the consequences of my actions - but be honest to myself and try to do so with others. Sure, I'll lose people I could otherwise be friends with. Meh. Which me would they be friends with?

Friends that agree to try out breathalyzers are awesome, especially when they join you in an argument against the machine. However, two people shouting "No way!" to a breathalyzer is just the beginning of serious trouble. Also, before you say that you're against "drunk driving," you should really see how you measure on a breathalyzer after a drink, 2, 3...you'll be shocked at what the law considers notoktodrive. We're all against drunk driving, but most of us don't realize that one drink with dinner might make you qualify.

I took LJ down for a brief time - didn't want to air my mood or watch everyone else. That's possibly the worst part - my feelings with no cause, vs. watching people with really-real issues just plugging along as fine as could be expected. On a minor note, I wanted to cut off people's LJ from my f-list who had deleted their LJs (see, you can't cut someone off your f-list when the LJ is deleted - ever). Deleting and restore LJ didn't work. I also was spending way too much time on there, including at work. Unfortunately, when I don't LJ I just shop on line more. I also didn't really get any more work done - as I said but hadn't tested, less online time just leaves me distracted with less visual focus. I'm still going to try to post and look less - may need to cut frequent posters or break down and filter to make sure I catch "real posts" from good friends. I also wondered if I was spending too much time venting on LJ - am I failing to get out and do things because I pacify my emotional needs with the artificial feeling of connection I get when I talk into the void? But then drinking for mood is ok, and venting on LJ isn't? Huh.

So here I am, still fuckups and all.

Work - is fucked. I'm the lead on a series of cases I hate hate hate.

Gym is being good to me. I've dropped my deadlifts down but am really trying to do them right. Oddly I have a much easier time with stiffies than real deadlifts. I'm pleased with my deep squat progress. The bench...well I've been trying to bench 225 since before law school. My biggest setback in school was that nerve injury that took over a year to mostly heal. I returned to flat bench, got 175 up to 6 times. Then it was 8, and a calculator said my bench 1rm was 217. Er? Damn close to 225. Wed it was 9 times, and to be honest I was so close to 10 I went for it anyway, without a spot, and got damn close but failed a few inches from the top and had to wait for PITY as someone helped me lift it back off. Calc says 9 times at 175 means I should be able to bench 225. Now, calculating isn't doing, and I may secure that weight before I really go for it, but I'm very very happy about the prospect of achieving a goal that has been not-met since before law school.

I wasn't proud of law school, but when I left that weight I won't shut up about it.

I have to return my Metalopaclypse shirt. Why? Oh I'll tell you. You see, I'm a small. But, if you get the brand name american apparel, they don't tell you that american apparel just means "we hide spindly emo hair from view." I loved the shirt and am re-getting it, but I didn't fit the shirt. Now, I've got more gut than I did 2 months ago, but that's not the part that doesn't fit. No, the shirt was too tight on my BICEPS and CHEST. MY MUSCLES WERE TOO BIG FOR THE SHIRT. I had to return a shirt which fit me because MY MUSCLES WERE TOO BIG. Did you get that? MY MUSCLES DIDN'T FIT IN THE TINY LITTLE SHIRT. BECAUSE THEY WERE TOO BIG. MY MUSCLES.

Oddly my gym program changes weren't drastic, in fact it was mostly just: eat more and work out less. How counterintuitive.

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