(no subject)

[vicarz]

Fucking fuckers, the yo-yo continues. No dad is not doing better, that was yesterday. No, today his temp is 102 and they put him under a cooling blanket to manually change his temperature. The doctors also noted the surprising fact that if you're on a ventilator for too long it's a bad thing, and 2 weeks is too long, and if he isn't off of it soon for some reason they may do a tracheotomy. Won't that be a laugh. This up and down bullshit is really too much. "Oh look, hope! See it? Yeah? Zoink!"

Gee bus if he'd just die, fine. If he'd just live, fine. This up and down, good and bad, never knowing what the question is never mind the answer - it's just insane. I like to think that in some situations he knows what he wants, and I think both I and his wife know when what how for the obvious decisions. But we never know wtf is going on, not for long. And all the waiting. Pray that each of your loved ones dies when hit by a bus.

I can't even get drunk - this'll still be there tomorrow. That and I'm too fat to drink anyway. 2lbs of chocobelly is enough - back on the program. I do want a drink though, right now. I want a short term fix, a manual mood change. Not taking it, but I do want it. Right now.

Take this piece of advice - get a living will / advance directive. My dad would have said no machines, but we never really considered the idea that a machine for a week might give you 20 years of life if you can just get over that hump. So know that when you say no machines, you might want to specify a time period, which machines, which drugs...it's more complex that you might think. Also, you can't forecast all possible scenarios. What if you'll come back, but maybe not be yourself? What if you're Schiavo'd? What if you might be a veg but no one is sure until you wake up, which could be today or 2 years from now? Best I think you can do is have someone you trust understand your general feelings who agrees to and will step in and od the best they can given whatever does happen. Also, forgive them in advance if they happen to get it "wrong" - your opinion of life may change in the hospital, valuing it more or less, it varies. If they promise to do their best, it's all you can ask for.