(no subject)

[vicarz]

So, I've been quiet. A couple of things about my really-real life.

Jen and I broke up. We're still friends and it's all fine, but I didn't specifically mention that - now I am. Some of you questioned if we were going out - well, as public as I am, she is private - so I wasn't at liberty to talk about anything to do with us without potentially hurting her feelings. A few hurt feelings into our relationship I gave up and stopped talking about us entirely, hence the quiet. I still won't talk about us, but I'm back to "subject to your criticism" status again, aka public. So that's one thing.

Nuther thing is my dad is in the hospital, probably dying. Every day I start or finish by visiting him in the hospital. He isn't conscious and may never be again. For a period of time I was racked with guilt because shortly after I left one morning he was put on a ventilator, I had stayed until 1:30 to avoid that. 2am is when he went on. Now after learning more about his condition and watching how the vital-stats change per treatment, I realize that if anything, they put it off because I was there but that I wasn't necessarily helping - he had to be placed on the machines or die shortly. I was the last to see him conscious, and then in varying stages of medicine land. I can and do spend lots of time questioning if I did enough, knowing I could always have done more, but not knowing what to do. I still don't know, no idea what he feels and doesn't, if and what the thinks, what his dreamland is like. From his furrowed brow and noises I suspect it's a scary place - a nightmare. It was and is hard, but the odd thing is like everything some part of you gets used to it.

I'm now fielding phone calls to the family, as my dad's wife has been a real trooper, but is tired of relaying the same bad news over and over. I had the great experience of talking to the aunt who is (was?) a catholic nun. I then had the annoying experience of talking to the non-nun aunt, who used the term sissy like 17 times, asked me about kids, recommended kids, again, and again, and godded this and godded that...her fear that I might be a sissy was obvious. Of course I'm offended, of course I want to publicly defecate in a catholic church for revenge, of course I'm not going to set the record straight for my aging aunt. I'm a sissy that my relatives should be damn proud of. Hell, dad was a sissy too. There's a bunch of us sissies and that's in the blood, get used to it. But for the aging - no need to educate them on their way out of life. I know she may mean well (how much is help and how much is addressing personal discomfort is always a debate).

So I'm kind of not doing much right now. I'm working out, mostly alone. I'm watching horrible movies and tv: mythbusters, dirty jobs, x2, mars attacks, kill bill, bulletproof monk, etc. Brain go bye-bye. I can't get drunk, I drink every couple of days perhaps, but I can't get ripped in case I get a phone call and have to run to the hospital without notice. I worry that if I released a bit of control how far I might want to go - numb is very appealing right now. However, unlike a USian, I have no urge to sue anyone or go to a shrink to get psyc-meds. I'm supposed to be sad right now, it's supposed to hurt. A sick part of me recognizes that for this experience I'll be stronger when it's over. And it will be over someday, someday soon.

I've had an interesting couple of years here with joy and learning. I learned, to my somewhat surprise, that I could fall in love. I learned that I can feel pain for people I love. I've learned that I can cry. It sounds crazy, but I didn't know these things about myself. I usually stay far enough away that I never get hurt - just angry-hurt. I'm growing, it hurts, and I'm facing that pain not all that different than extra reps in the gym. I'm also facing them alone. I very appreciate the offers and sympathies, but this is something I have to ride out alone and with family. Mostly alone.

Comments

[dhairya.livejournal.com]

In a number of ways, and regardless of our differences, we were very, very good for each other, and I am deeply appreciative of the time we had together.
I still love you, remain your friend and am always there for you.

[vicar.livejournal.com]

*squirt*
I mean, *smoosh*

[(Anonymous)]

*MOOSH*

(http://photobucket.com)

[grymnir.livejournal.com]

Not much to say but to express sympathy; not our of discomfort (through I agree with assessment of aunt), but rather because of shared experience. When my Dad's parents died one was almost immediate and the other was over three weeks of steady decline.

You can't do more...it is a situation over which you have no control, and frankly, neither do the doctors when it gets to a certain point. All you can do is try to make sure the one in the bed knows what you want them to know about you.

In the case of a "partner" two years is a good run, especially when you are not following the birth-school-work-death + children formula. I've always thought staying friends was more important than pushing for another 3 months of sex, or grasping out of insecurity, but it took me a few fuck-ups to realize both those things.

Drunk not good because once you start, in the numb mindset, you don't quite know when to stop. Goo luck. Don't hurt anyone while boxing, if you get the chance.

[vicar.livejournal.com]

Thanks ya sah. Hey, don't knock 3 months of sex-grasping. That's how I made friends for years!

[grymnir.livejournal.com]

That's how I lost friends. 'Course, if they come back within 18 months to discuss a renewal of privileges, that's an entirely different discussion.

[kelowna.livejournal.com]

Drunk not good because once you start, in the numb mindset, you don't quite know when to stop.

Don't I know that one. Then when you finally do get sober... you still have to go back and through all of that anyways.

--k

[anarcha.livejournal.com]

I very appreciate the offers and sympathies, but this is something I have to ride out alone and with family. Mostly alone.

Understood, and respected. I'm here, but I'm not pushing.

(but lemme know when you want to get together to defecate in the catholic church)

[vicar.livejournal.com]

Holy poopies! Let us know when your marathon of suck / achievement begins :)

[hobbitkicker.livejournal.com]

I was the caretaker for my father who was terminally ill with cancer so I recognize the path you are on. You are no sissy holding up as you are. I think you should go poop in a church for good measure and only when you have the time. For now you definitely have more important things to think about.

[vicar.livejournal.com]

Sounds like the same path, though they vary greatly. I'm the first to say how fortunate we all are - he's past his original "expiration date," and we had a close scare just months ago where we all said goodbye just in case. Still, somehow this particular route was a surprise.

Thanks - and be warned I will bound about when again I see the Hoggle and his big furry feets!

[novaya-zemlya.livejournal.com]

My sympathies and regards. My dad suffered a stroke and was in a coma for a year before he died. So there is this period where you realize that passing on is better than a mechanically induced existence. But it's hard and what remains—and what is most important—are a lifetime's worth of memories.

[vicar.livejournal.com]

His wishes are not only strong in that regard, but document and respected. What has been a real education is the ambiguities that are involved. While not easy, with some certainty the decisions are already made. The difficulty is knowing what the situation is.

I'm the first to say that while this is hard, in many ways the family got lucky.

[pictsy.livejournal.com]

Sorry about all these things

[coronalrain.livejournal.com]

My sympathies to you and your family during this time.

[telie13.livejournal.com]

"the only way out is through, and you are going to hate it and its going to suck but you will get through because you have no other option but to come out on the other side"

You may not remember this but you said it to me once about some family tribulations I was having. It may not strike other people as particularly comforting but it really helped me. It was grounding, I guess.

So, hopefully it helps you too. But if it doesn't, I'm around for other things.

[vicar.livejournal.com]

Wow, thanks. It's really cool to hear that you made an impact / helped. But...gee, do I always sound like drunken Doors lyrics?

[telie13.livejournal.com]

except when you sound like drunken erasure lyrics....or drunken death metal lyrics just really slowed down - yes.

[http://users.livejournal.com/_blackjack_/]

I'm supposed to be sad right now, it's supposed to hurt.

Well, yes, it is, but that doesn't mean you have to go through it without support. "Mostly alone" may seem like the easiest way to deal with it, but it won't be. If nothing else, you're going to hit a point where it may hurt too much for you to be able to, y'know, get food or clean the catbox. OK, you don't have a cat, but you know what I mean. I will always be grateful to my friend Frederika who just showed up on my doorstep from Syracuse because she knew I needed her before I did.

Take care of my friend Jose. Do what you have to do and feel what you have to feel. This is going to suck. Literally. It is going to take something out of you that you can't get back. I know that isn't comforting, but nothing is going to be right now; at least I can honestly tell you what you're in for.

[vicar.livejournal.com]

I only slack on cleaning the catbox when my girlfriend breaks up with me because the sex tape we made was swapped out with the soccer match by my mates, and to soothe the pain I begin experimenting in the heroin these same mates have always done and to which I was formerly immune.

Honesty is good. I do better when I can realistically forecast and prepare.

[minniethemoocha.livejournal.com]

Despite the fact that pain is part of life, not lessened is the fact that this all really sucks. You're being strong without trying to be a robot, which is I guess all one can require of oneself when pursuing a life that holds together in the right places. In all regards I wish you the continued strength to keep on doing what you need to do to get through all this. Running, reserving time for feelings, not-getting-drunk, maintaining equilibrium and dignity in the presence of crazy Jesus-people. I think of you with great fondness. Keep kicking ass, hot stuff.

[vicar.livejournal.com]

Thank you, dear sweet daughter of Eve.

aw. :(

[cyaneyed.livejournal.com]

i'm so sorry to hear about your dad and breakups aren't usually fun, even if everyone's doing ok and friends, it can be sad.

sigh.

on the upside, look at all the friends rallying to your side. :) you'll get through this, one little bit at a time.

*big hug*

[freja999.livejournal.com]

I wonder how your relationship with your father has changed in the years since I first met you. My relationship with mine has changed drastically these past few years expecially since his stroke. No other words. You've heard them already.

On another topic, I HAVE defecated in a Catholic Church. Several times, in fact. But I always flushed.

[vicar.livejournal.com]

Ewwwww! I don't believe you - girls don't poop!

[kelowna.livejournal.com]

Its good to read your thoughts here.
Its been good to keep in touch you in email.
Whenever you need to talk, vent or describe a very scary outfit - i'm there my friend.

--kelowna

[vicar.livejournal.com]

If you can handle scary outfits, I may go to ren faire...

[kelowna.livejournal.com]

I have never been to Ren Faire and likely will manage to never go in my lifetime -- I don't know if I want to do this vicariously through you.

Eep!

Tho if it will genuinely make you feel better I shall take one for the team!

[oontzgrrl.livejournal.com]

Awww babe, my heart goes out to you. I totally understand the desire to be alone because that is how I process this sort of thing as well, but know, if this sort of thing matters to you, that I care, and that I'm thinking warm thoughts towards you.

Also, If I can be of help in anyway, I'm around.

[pastor-saturn.livejournal.com]

Again, and as always, I'm keeping you in my thoughts. Be as alone as you need to be, but know we're here if you want us.

[faeriemage.livejournal.com]

What's going on with your father is all too familiar...i'm sorry that you're going through something similar to what i went through. it sucks. hugs.

[cweaselle.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry about you & Jen, but it might be a little better for right now. I'm glad that you feel like you've learned something from that.

As for your dad I"m really sorry. You are not a sissy & from what I remember your dad isn't either. When facing the death of someone, especially someone you're close to you will always face it alone. I'm glad that you most realize this too. I will always be here for you if you just need to talk. I certainly can understand losing someone close to you. THe only good thing in all this is that at least you're not losing yourself. (I hope that made you laugh even a little)

THings are really hard for you right now, but you're doing very well. From what my mom told me I always looked like I was scared or unhappy & I can't say whether I was either. I think that is probably the case for your dad too.

[vicar.livejournal.com]

Sissy is a catholic code word for fag, which I are. Thank you for the perspective of how he looks vs. how he might be...you would know more than most in that dept!

[cweaselle.livejournal.com]

You may be a fag, but you're not a sissy.

Unfortunately & fortunately I don't know about how people look & how they feel. I will tell you that my brother is sure that I could at least hear him when he talked or played music.

In case you don't remember I still have trouble controlling my facial expressions, tone of voise, & loudness of my voice. There is a good chance that is what your dad is going through.

I just hope this helped you even a little. I'm just telling you what little I know.

[desiringmachine.livejournal.com]

i'm sorry about your dad.

[djpsyche.livejournal.com]

Gosh I'm really sorry to hear you've been going through so much difficult stuff. Sucks. *hugs* (sorry, know it's trite, but can't resist!)

[panthergirl.livejournal.com]

You are a really good friend to post the announcement about you and Jen the way you have.

You've got it together in so many ways, and you are kind and good. I hope it will help in the end to remember that you were there for your dad as much as you were able.