(no subject)
Feb. 3rd, 2006 07:48 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
vicarzAn example of your defense mechanism gone awry:
My boss that I didn't like but now like although I quickly recognize she has issues, may not like me, and I can't trust her...
is black. She is a proud black female, ohmi. She either would make a great lesbian or is quiet, but no, I just think she's proud. Too much so.
Yesterday she was talking with one of the clerical staff who is leaving (they all are). Boss was mentioning how she used to work for the education Dept., and how "all them mother-crackas in the dept. looked like you, and all the ones they were getting rid of looked me, okay?!"
Here's the deal as I see it: say she's right - that she was being discriminated against in the Dept. of Ed. Then her approach (what I'm guessing from watching) works: she is smart and turns in good work, but she is quick to defend herself, makes no friendly ties with "folk," and always faces every task as a battle she has to win. Then her strong attitude and fortitude to persevere is a road to success. Her attitude holds people at bay and lets them know they can't fuck with her. Her strong work ethic and technical expertise keep people from being able to screw her over. When there are no other candidates, she will be selected for positions despite not liking her because they know she can do the work. Grr.
However, say she's wrong. What if they're not all, or a majority, prejudiced.
Say our Dept. is not prejudiced by and large. Then, while the technical skill and hard work is recognized as a strength, the abrasive attitude makes people avoid you. This may result in trips above and below you just to avoid having to talk to the yelling black woman. In an organization where social ties greatly influence career possibilities, you keep everyone an arm's length away. Your reputation is more about your angry demeanor than your superior skills. Here, your attitude is misplaced, and all the energies spent defending against a unified enemy are wasted. You're fighting a battle alone. You're always defending your every action against sabotage, yelling when people are talking, and acting like a steamroller in a field of daisies. There are battles to be fought, people not to trust, and times people circumvent the process - but it's not because of anything personal; you just happen to be the one in the way. The feelings you get weigh you down because you think you're facing this fundamental emotional battle, when you're the only one fighting. I think that with that behavior set she will still be successful, but she's wasting a lot of energy and being unhappy where she doesn't have to.
This is why defense mechanisms of any type live on. She might have learned this set of behaviors with a set of people that required this, where this was a good habit. Now, it still works, but instead of being a reasonable reaction to a hostile environment, it actually creates the atmosphere she feared she faced. She'll keep doing the same things over and over, not realizing there are easier ways and many battles that don't need to be fought. The behavior will continue because the cues that gave rise to the behavior will continue to be seen in the environment even if the problem is not.
I dunno. Maybe I just don't understand.
I have an interview Monday (with a hearing impaired guy - don't think he has an attitude about it though).
Oh about last night: Urine soup. Ew.
My boss that I didn't like but now like although I quickly recognize she has issues, may not like me, and I can't trust her...
is black. She is a proud black female, ohmi. She either would make a great lesbian or is quiet, but no, I just think she's proud. Too much so.
Yesterday she was talking with one of the clerical staff who is leaving (they all are). Boss was mentioning how she used to work for the education Dept., and how "all them mother-crackas in the dept. looked like you, and all the ones they were getting rid of looked me, okay?!"
Here's the deal as I see it: say she's right - that she was being discriminated against in the Dept. of Ed. Then her approach (what I'm guessing from watching) works: she is smart and turns in good work, but she is quick to defend herself, makes no friendly ties with "folk," and always faces every task as a battle she has to win. Then her strong attitude and fortitude to persevere is a road to success. Her attitude holds people at bay and lets them know they can't fuck with her. Her strong work ethic and technical expertise keep people from being able to screw her over. When there are no other candidates, she will be selected for positions despite not liking her because they know she can do the work. Grr.
However, say she's wrong. What if they're not all, or a majority, prejudiced.
Say our Dept. is not prejudiced by and large. Then, while the technical skill and hard work is recognized as a strength, the abrasive attitude makes people avoid you. This may result in trips above and below you just to avoid having to talk to the yelling black woman. In an organization where social ties greatly influence career possibilities, you keep everyone an arm's length away. Your reputation is more about your angry demeanor than your superior skills. Here, your attitude is misplaced, and all the energies spent defending against a unified enemy are wasted. You're fighting a battle alone. You're always defending your every action against sabotage, yelling when people are talking, and acting like a steamroller in a field of daisies. There are battles to be fought, people not to trust, and times people circumvent the process - but it's not because of anything personal; you just happen to be the one in the way. The feelings you get weigh you down because you think you're facing this fundamental emotional battle, when you're the only one fighting. I think that with that behavior set she will still be successful, but she's wasting a lot of energy and being unhappy where she doesn't have to.
This is why defense mechanisms of any type live on. She might have learned this set of behaviors with a set of people that required this, where this was a good habit. Now, it still works, but instead of being a reasonable reaction to a hostile environment, it actually creates the atmosphere she feared she faced. She'll keep doing the same things over and over, not realizing there are easier ways and many battles that don't need to be fought. The behavior will continue because the cues that gave rise to the behavior will continue to be seen in the environment even if the problem is not.
I dunno. Maybe I just don't understand.
I have an interview Monday (with a hearing impaired guy - don't think he has an attitude about it though).
Oh about last night: Urine soup. Ew.
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no subject
Date: 2006-02-03 03:24 pm (UTC)i'll just say this. IN MY OPINION she is likely wrong. however, i'd say there's a 10-15 percent chance she's right.
that said, i've found the commercial sector to be WAY more egalitarian than the government. seriously. either you can do the work and we're happy with you, or you can't and we fire your ass. i can honestly say that we've only had one discrimination claim in the last 2 years, and it was from a proud black woman. who couldn't do her job and bitched about _only_ getting 3% raises every year.
-S
no subject
Date: 2006-02-03 05:02 pm (UTC)What is hard is trying to find where you do this yourself. I look for this in me, rarely finding it but it has happened. I used to react to jocks and military guys with hostility and get the same in return. Now I give everyone a chance and only throw them in chip shredders when they prove they are dicks in the face of civil conduct. Had I never given jocks a chance, I wouldn't know and would assume my fighting aggression was why I wasn't getting shoved into lockers today?
no subject
Date: 2006-02-03 03:41 pm (UTC)I don't fault her for trying to be a good employee, or wanting to make sure she has a job to come to Monday morning, but like you said, it is a waste of energy. All she would have to do is be pleasant, and still accomplish the same thing.
I know that the mortgage industry is cut throat, and backstabbing. I know that at any moment they can decide you aren't needed anymore. But you make the choice to be pleasant or be a bitch.
no subject
Date: 2006-02-03 05:03 pm (UTC)I'm not about to spend much time intervening. So many cases.
no subject
Date: 2006-02-03 04:02 pm (UTC)Most functioning people with bad behavior were in a place where that bad behavior was a survival trait. I know my hostility stems from being a little weird guy that people loved to pick on. I'm not as little now but I have to consciously throttle back on 'hitting first' behavior.
no subject
Date: 2006-02-03 04:57 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-02-03 04:26 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-02-03 04:59 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-02-03 06:12 pm (UTC)'Boss was mentioning how she used to work for the education Dept., and how "all them mother-crackas in the dept. looked like you, and all the ones they were getting rid of looked me, okay?!"'
is reinforced throughout one's life - hearing stories of one's grandparents receiving that treatment, seeing one's parents facing it, and then facing it onesself.
*gasp*
Date: 2006-02-03 09:42 pm (UTC)I would factor in her age as well.
It's funny how often people assume the "angry black person" is loud and wrong when often times it comes down to one or two things; a) something happened to them in their past which justifies the behaviour (IE the older black folk), b) they sense something is going on though they may be incorrect as to why (IE about to be fired for being late to work, not because they're black).
It can be hard to tell the difference sometimes and, in my opinion, non-people of color are quick to judge on this.
Re: *gasp*
Date: 2006-02-03 11:11 pm (UTC)Anyway this wasn't so much about race as the idea of looking at how a defense mechanism might stay in place even when it's not appropriate.
Re: *gasp*
Date: 2006-02-03 11:17 pm (UTC)Right, thus my mention about paranoia or "learned behavior". I have had episodes where my defenses have worked against me, such as when I was at a mainstream Spanish bar and I noticed how agressive the men were. I became protective of my female friends not aware that they had some experience in the enviornment before, which made it seem a bit like I thought they couldn't take care of themselves and that I was racist... neither I believed true, but there you go. I think it's the same as over reacting due to past experience.
Re: *gasp*
Date: 2006-02-03 11:36 pm (UTC)Hung out with a Salvadoran for a while, who explained the whole normal pursuit thing. The guy is supposed to pursue, she's supposed to act like she isn't interested but just shows the tiniest spark of interest to keep him coming. That doesn't translate well up here! (remind me and I'll you teh story that goes along with this)
no subject
Date: 2006-02-03 10:29 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-02-04 05:12 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-02-04 02:13 pm (UTC)Got your call, will call you - or call me. Whee!
no subject
Date: 2006-02-04 03:22 pm (UTC)I love talking to people because I was so alone in the hospital. And then my book turned up missing and it took almost a week to get one and be able to read. When I first went in I was unconcious and I couldn't read even if I wanted to.
no subject
Date: 2006-02-04 07:09 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-02-06 09:38 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-02-06 10:10 am (UTC)