(no subject)

[vicarz]

My experiment with sobriety = failure.
I was a bit freaked when I started - much head-stuff floating around, making me feel 17 with the intensity. The club looked like it was fun, but it was no escape for me, not last night. I had a couple drinks, as in 2, weak. Yes, for me that is sobriety. I am cutting back, or thinking of it as while drinking doesn't take much time, the subsequent mental coma may not be worth the release of feelings through chemical infusion. Too much of my drinking feels like a need, other times like a habit. It's been too irresponsible too many times. I am not about to go zero, denial of something entirely just makes it more alluring.
I couldn't dance at all. Movement wasn't coming, nothing felt natural, I couldn't stand to open my eyes and all I wanted to do was hit things. When I can't move, when my core doesn't naturally wiggle or flail about, the arms move. You can always move your arms, they follow commands on their own. The rest of me is being pushed out there when it really wants to linger in the corner.
I sucked sucked sucked with people. I couldn't stand still, didn't want to listen to anyone, and won't talk about anything as I'm preoccupied. I make a lousy audience right now and the only thing I want to talk about I can and will not.
Wearing earplugs sober is even more annoying than not. Missing every other word is fine when you're a little buzzed I guess. I got so annoyed I took the plugs out, and now my ears are ringing. The reason for the things is the damage done to my hearing already, but no one night will do significantly more damage. Each night does some, and I already have too much.

Speaking of 17, the problem with torturing yourself with angst is that it is reinforcing. It's not turning away in horror, it's lamenting about the important situation you are in. Your part, your feelings, you secrets, your importance, somehow this means...you exist? In all the pain and attempted twisted logic to explain is some measure of feeling good. Some measure? No, it feels good, and that's a lot of the problem. This I don't put down because I don't want to. Have to perhaps, but in my mind it's running non-stop. I like this pain; I like it a lot. That's bad.

Comments

[littlekitty78.livejournal.com]

Hmmm... so got to the gym today, that always seems to make you feel better. Vent it out....

[http://users.livejournal.com/_blackjack_/]

I didn't notice a difference.

[vicar.livejournal.com]

I talked with you and Jen longer than most. Even so, you were always talking to someone else so when I just bolted it wasn't really much of an event.

[tiana67.livejournal.com]

I sucked sucked sucked with people. I couldn't stand still, didn't want to listen to anyone, and won't talk about anything as I'm preoccupied.

I used to blame myself and go home feeling bad about this type of thing. OMG, I was rude, a bad listener, blah blah blah. I finally knocked some sense into my head......

The fact is, some of the people were lucky I didn't flat out punch them ;-) I gave the body language to leave me alone, I walked away several times...but the person(s) followed me wherever I went, I verbally stated that I preferred to be on my own, they didn't get it. People think they can make you feel better, cheer you up, etc. I HATE THAT. I find that behavior to be a power or control trip, purely selfish on their part and masked as genuine empathy or interest. I have the right to be bitchy, sad or unavailable, it's my life. I find it sad when people are made to feel as if they have to apologize for being human. So what if you're rude, or not friendly, or not feeling the music.

Had I not been sober, I may have been more fun and more engaging, but I refuse to drink to make things easier for others or myself. Life is pain princess, but I personally wouldn't look at it as a failure. The road to success in any endeavor is a long one. You can't expect to be sober one night (here and there) and TADA be a dancing-butterfly-social-queen without the influence of alcohol....especially if the liquid courage is what tended to bring that side out at all.

[vicar.livejournal.com]

Stalkers are so hawt though! I really like them when they follow through though - a club is one thing, but when I walk out of the shower and see a man outside my window beating off in the shadows of the trees? That's luuuv! Show me that dedication!

Yeah, I guess I'm apologizing for dashing off. I don't think I was openly rude to anyone - just self-involved. I did have the problem of people trying to talk to me when I was far more stuck in the movie. Lights, sounds, vibrations...indulging.

[jwitcraft.livejournal.com]

Mesmerizing, isn't it?

I had difficulties being social butterfly there for a bit, as well.

I was talking to you about something..but if it's important enough..

Oh! Being driven. I see it, in the eyes particularly. That is all I was saying. Could have expounded, but...I kept going, "Oooo! Shiny!" and running off.

[vicar.livejournal.com]

I didn't mind the mad dash off at all, and the comments were flattering.

[jwitcraft.livejournal.com]

Thank goodness. I thought I might have offended you in some way because of your creased eyebrows.

I was like.."Uhm....I don't remember precisely what I said to Jose..I hope I wasn't unintentionally a bitch."

[vicar.livejournal.com]

I was sober and wearing earplugs, having a hard time hearing so I was probably just trying to understand :) Usually I'm a little buzzed and don't really mind missing every other word.