(no subject)
Jun. 13th, 2005 07:37 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
vicarzI'm addicted to LJ - I keep saying there is nothing productive that can come from writing here, then I write here. I'm hooked on catharsis - hope you enjoy reading it, sorry if its annoying. On that note:
I'm sorry.
I don't know how I got to be so verbally abusive, but I'm on a new mission to greatly reduce the verbal abuse. I know that a lot of people say they find it cute, and "That's just Jose," but I think I've hit the point where it is such a habit that I'm offending when I don't mean to, and radiating too much negativity. I usually am extremely abusive to my best friends, hurling slurs, insulting their wing-a-ding, whatever. I see all that abuse as affectionate, and have generally thought it was received as such. I've even been told it's received that way, though I've also been told that it gets hurtful sometimes. I think I've heard that it's hurt people enough that I'm going to try and change it. By writing about it in LJ, I'm kinda stuck with the commitment, as my abusive friends will call me when I slip up and say "Stupid fucking buggering moron" instead of "Hi." However, "Fuck you" still means "allo, good to see you," in punk rock.
Lots of people didn't understand my post about the work situation. My boss wanted the litigator position that I was sort of "slotted" for, and when she knew I was getting it she pulled the race card to high-ranking officials behind closed doors. She accused the people making the decision of being racist, and having a different set of standards for the white guy (me) than the black female (her). She has slipped into very abusive treatment, shouting and doing that technique of using pseudo-questions as insults. I only learned today that she applied for the litigator position as well, in case the supervisory role does not work out. This actually gives me hope that perhaps she won't be my boss, but I'm still going to look for a new job.
DOJ and Homeland Security are not job options. Both are primarily fighting the "war on drugs," which I vehemently oppose. I just can't work for a group with whom I have no moral congruency of their primary mission. Thinking the job is not a final decision, that I am mobile...well on the one hand it's a major insecurity - I was poorish as a kid so money-security is very important to me. However, not thinking that the politics here dictate my life happiness is a certain type of freedom.
I'm sorry.
I don't know how I got to be so verbally abusive, but I'm on a new mission to greatly reduce the verbal abuse. I know that a lot of people say they find it cute, and "That's just Jose," but I think I've hit the point where it is such a habit that I'm offending when I don't mean to, and radiating too much negativity. I usually am extremely abusive to my best friends, hurling slurs, insulting their wing-a-ding, whatever. I see all that abuse as affectionate, and have generally thought it was received as such. I've even been told it's received that way, though I've also been told that it gets hurtful sometimes. I think I've heard that it's hurt people enough that I'm going to try and change it. By writing about it in LJ, I'm kinda stuck with the commitment, as my abusive friends will call me when I slip up and say "Stupid fucking buggering moron" instead of "Hi." However, "Fuck you" still means "allo, good to see you," in punk rock.
Lots of people didn't understand my post about the work situation. My boss wanted the litigator position that I was sort of "slotted" for, and when she knew I was getting it she pulled the race card to high-ranking officials behind closed doors. She accused the people making the decision of being racist, and having a different set of standards for the white guy (me) than the black female (her). She has slipped into very abusive treatment, shouting and doing that technique of using pseudo-questions as insults. I only learned today that she applied for the litigator position as well, in case the supervisory role does not work out. This actually gives me hope that perhaps she won't be my boss, but I'm still going to look for a new job.
DOJ and Homeland Security are not job options. Both are primarily fighting the "war on drugs," which I vehemently oppose. I just can't work for a group with whom I have no moral congruency of their primary mission. Thinking the job is not a final decision, that I am mobile...well on the one hand it's a major insecurity - I was poorish as a kid so money-security is very important to me. However, not thinking that the politics here dictate my life happiness is a certain type of freedom.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2005-06-13 02:40 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-06-13 03:05 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-06-13 03:44 pm (UTC)