vicarz | (no subject)

So I should be proud of myself tonight. I hit happy hour with some of my favorite boxing folk at Rock bottom's best $1 happy hour. I feel like uh...well for me...a social success. Just like today in the office, I read the situation, I played the right reaction - I played the part that best fit my goals. Ok, the office was playing the role for people I didn't like because the focus was job placement and forecasting.

Tonight in the bar it was just...experimenting. Before anyone I knew showed up, I was caught up in some regular guy. He just introduced himself for no reason, but opened well and asked just enough questions to be not intrusive. I admired his technique, and figured he was gay for the skill of the approach. I talked with him, again like at Taint - out of curiosity to see a) if I could play off the interaction, and b) where it went. He talked about having a girlfriend, so he was either pegging me for straight or was actually just being social. Turns out he is a lobbyist, and fascinated that I'm federal. I blew him off when I saw my friends, but on exit he dropped a business card. I suppose that's what I get for drinking in a mall-bar.

Unlike the skankarific guitar player from the other night, this homeless looking guy played like 3 or 4 obscure beatles tunes that I only know from my father's vinyl record collection. I loved what he played, and was the skank bobbing his head tonight. Happily I found that a couple of our group also loved the songs, despite being 10 years my junior. Instrumentation trumps the pop bullshit that sells in the short-term.

So tonight's important lesson is one that is sinking in slowly, but appears important. I CAN socialize, I can use conscious thought to plan my every reaction based on the perfect socially contextual responses. Hoo fucking rah. I can manipulate my appearance, and manipulate a crowd of people to solicit reactions I desire, and create a favorable impression. I think that is a very valuable skill - but to fuck with it? I am thrilled that I can "achieve" the social "goals" of acting my reaction and gauging their feelings. Neat. It just turns out that I'd really rather be who I am, even if that means more time alone, or feeling alone. I could take the girl in the 2k dress to the 5* restaurant, but I'd rather hang with the crowd that eats pizza out of the box (not because they have to though, but because it's preferred). I...I just want to be me. I want to be appreciated for who and what I am, but it is more important to be who and what I am than to be appreciated. I'm glad I learn, but part of what I learn is to appreciate what I have.

While I might be able to fit in anywhere, I know who I am and I want to just be who I am. I'm still experimenting with other crowds and social situations - and it is really fascinating, but I keep finding that what comes naturally trumps all this acting. If I have to act to get a reaction, then that reaction means nothing. Hell, half the time I get a reaction for being myself it means nothing - but at least it's me who is creating the ripples. Acting your reaction just makes you a whore, and like a whore you never actually get what you are genuinely seeking or need. It sounds hokey as hell, but you have to be yourself or you're wasting your time. Does this level of esteem mean that soon I'll be wearing brown socks with sandals?

I keep choosing me, honest me, over all the options.