(no subject)

[vicarz]

So this is my last evening of arguable freedom - though I'm mostly doing prep work and homework for the coming weeks. This afternoon was spent working off-the-clock trying to catch up at work as I'm still not on top of the detail assignment. Luckily there were three of my co-workers who stopped by and saw me there, so there is that mental note of "José the hard-worker" being registered.

My feeling is not of dread for the coming months. I don't mean to be mean, but what exactly am I missing by going to school? There are hours I would spend with friends, but there are far more hours I would spend playing video games and watching trash on tv. Would my life be better if I tried to memorize a pointless statute, or if I saw Judge Mathis make a cutting comment, if I listened to a friend whine about fucking or not fucking, or if I wiped out a zerg colony? I also enjoy law a little bit - I enjoy the reading, I enjoy the banter, I enjoy learning! I do wear down when there is so much for so long, but ultimately I feel productive.

Then again, what am I producing? I'm learning facts. So I learn more facts, how does that help me if I'm still a social retard? Is there any point to trying to polish my social skills at this ripe old age anyway? I'm talking to a couple of cute girls, sounds exciting but good god how do normal people act? It's been years since I 'dated' someone that didn't start off as a drunk hook-up in a club. Ah, therein lies the answer...ugh I'm too experienced - by the time you get past wondering you can see the whole situation from beginning to end and it hardly seems worthwhile. The worst-case scenario isn't bad - I like having hot friends. Ugh friends...I tried using some newer skills to host, only later realizing that telling people not to bring things or rsvp makes them uncomfortable as well - so it's rude. There are rules on both sides of the game, and it's awkward to toy with tradition. I think I'd really prefer the 'make yourself at home' motif. I still managed to say something horribly mean without meaning to - a talent that while it amuses many, hurts some and bothers me a great deal. I don't mind hurting people, but I want to be doing that on purpose - not because I'm an oaf. The point...why learn skills now? In a couple of years I'll just be alternating medicines for moods and hitting strangers with my walker out of spite.

What is production? What value is there on accumulation of facts and skills? What do you do with these skills, how do they help you and others? Perhaps Blind Date isn't any less productive than understanding civil procedure if you never use it. Perhaps making out drunk in clubs isn't any less a waste than discussing the nuances of existentialism in a coffee shop or visiting the floor of the NYSE.

The gym? What am I going to do with these muscles? I'm at the point where more girls will find the appearance a negative, but they're merely a byproduct of goals I've set for myself. What for? Why does it matter if I can run x number of miles in x minutes? How important is that next piece of metal on the bar? I don't even pretend I'm going to box in the ring. The byproducts of this hobby are looks and health, but why do I do this? It's measurable production, isn't it? What do I do with these strengths - run down a deer on foot and slay it with my hands because food is so scarce? Move a couch on Sunday? Live an extra 5 - 10 years? Enjoy the spring in my step and the berth people give me when I am angry? Measurable production...

Will I use a law degree? Bother with the bar? Perhaps the accumulation of wealth isn't such a bad idea - sure it's a pointless endeavor, but at least you're dealing with something quantifiable. Sure, perhaps you're rich and miserable - but what measure of happiness trumps x dollars? What if the accumulation of wealth gives you happiness? What if it eliminates some insecurities?

Oi I look inside and all I see are questions. I'm in a comfortable space - I don't care much what the answers are. Hell, the questions are comforting, not-knowing is comforting. I don't know. I don't know why I'm doing this. I don't know why I shouldn't. I don't know which goals to pursue or why. I don't know why I enjoy these things, fear these things, and want to put my mouth on those things. I just don't know. I care, at least a little, but not much. Not right now.

Comments

[carpediem1970.livejournal.com]

That was a great entry - I think of a lot of the same things.

"I don't mind hurting people, but I want to be doing that on purpose - not because I'm an oaf."

Exactly my sentiments - I have a tendency to do the oaf thing;)

"The gym? What am I going to do with these muscles?"

Goals are the best especially productive ones. What you've already achieved is still on my todo list:)

"Perhaps the accumulation of wealth isn't such a bad idea - sure it's a pointless endeavor, but at least you're dealing with something quantifiable."

I enjoy the accumalation of weath two fold, one is the quantifiable "Monopoly"tm goal behind it, and the other is the ability to help other people with it. I hate admitting that I want to work my ass off so I can eventually get enough money to seriously help other people. But there you go. Unfortunately once you have the basics, money and happiness don't really have much to do with each other. Money doesn't get in the way of happiness, but it sure doesn't get you there either:)

[railwaymadness]

Suggesting that people not bring things or rsvp is not rude, as long as you don't get upset if they do. In fact, we're the ones being rude by not following your suggestions.

I must agree that it's better to come out of your mid-life crisis with a law degree and a few muscles than with an aged sports car and a beer belly. But that's just my opinion.

[vicar.livejournal.com]

Mid life!? First off, I'm not half-way to where I'm going unless one of those meteors veers off-course. Secondly, I've been this neurotic since I was 17...