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Apr. 21st, 2004 08:10 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
vicarzWhen Columbine happened I said, and meant, that the only reason I didn't do something similar is that I didn't have a friend and a gun. Shortly thereafter it was pointed out that I was a 'jock.'
I was studying civpro last night when I looked over at the glass bedside table, with rows of dusty nailpolish bottles. I can't remember when I last wore polish, a dress. I have no urge to, though I throw nothing away. I think I've changed. It's like I have the feelings left over, some of the beliefs, but the reality - the person that developed those feelings has grown so much it's hard to imagine that I felt that way.
I'm staring at myself. I have many days that will be spent in isolation studying, so much introspection will occur as ANYTHING is more interesting than 8 hour study marathons. Or 6 hour Diablo marathons with 2 hours of studying while I rub my carpal tunnel wrists.
I haven't cleaned my house since school started. I think I figured out I don't really care if the house is clean, that I kept it spotless in case someone came over so they would think I was clean. I believe the impression given was that I was an anal-retentive git. Now, an anal-retentive git who seeks social acceptance. Or receives it. Or something like that.
The windows are open again, and it smells divine in here (much less like socks). The crabapple tree is in bloom. I think I know why I get up at 5:30-6am every day - that's when all the birds go off. I was thinking of moving to that new condo building they're making by the cheesecake factory, but realizing that I like it here. Never mind that there is parking, but there is organic life outside - birds, squirrels, a rare chipmunk or two. Nothing but yuppies and SUVs in the heart of Clarendon. It would be a nicer space, and more convenient - but with no character whatsoever.
With the windows open I listened, and realized that quiet to me is the sound of distant traffic. I can't remember the last time I looked up and saw stars. I think that'll have to be a trip this summer - go out anywhere where there are no lights and just look up. Oh wait...bugs...
Ignore this space for a few days. It's gonna be ugly :)
I was studying civpro last night when I looked over at the glass bedside table, with rows of dusty nailpolish bottles. I can't remember when I last wore polish, a dress. I have no urge to, though I throw nothing away. I think I've changed. It's like I have the feelings left over, some of the beliefs, but the reality - the person that developed those feelings has grown so much it's hard to imagine that I felt that way.
I'm staring at myself. I have many days that will be spent in isolation studying, so much introspection will occur as ANYTHING is more interesting than 8 hour study marathons. Or 6 hour Diablo marathons with 2 hours of studying while I rub my carpal tunnel wrists.
I haven't cleaned my house since school started. I think I figured out I don't really care if the house is clean, that I kept it spotless in case someone came over so they would think I was clean. I believe the impression given was that I was an anal-retentive git. Now, an anal-retentive git who seeks social acceptance. Or receives it. Or something like that.
The windows are open again, and it smells divine in here (much less like socks). The crabapple tree is in bloom. I think I know why I get up at 5:30-6am every day - that's when all the birds go off. I was thinking of moving to that new condo building they're making by the cheesecake factory, but realizing that I like it here. Never mind that there is parking, but there is organic life outside - birds, squirrels, a rare chipmunk or two. Nothing but yuppies and SUVs in the heart of Clarendon. It would be a nicer space, and more convenient - but with no character whatsoever.
With the windows open I listened, and realized that quiet to me is the sound of distant traffic. I can't remember the last time I looked up and saw stars. I think that'll have to be a trip this summer - go out anywhere where there are no lights and just look up. Oh wait...bugs...
Ignore this space for a few days. It's gonna be ugly :)
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Date: 2004-04-21 05:25 am (UTC)last i remember you telling me, you weren't anything close to a 'jock' in high school...
y'know, while you always looked FAN-FRICKIN'-TASTIC in a dress, i can't really see you in one these days either. but hey, things change -- maybe at some point you'll cycle through again. >:)
no subject
Date: 2004-04-21 05:35 am (UTC)Really no confusion there. Even polish and skirt free, you're still not one of them.
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Date: 2004-04-21 05:38 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-04-21 07:17 am (UTC)Damn, I guess I'll never work out.
no subject
Date: 2004-04-21 11:42 am (UTC)As for you being a jock, weren't you a stoner? I seem to recall us talking about this. I don't think anyone would call me a jock, but I like to be fit. I even like exericise when I make myself do it. There is a big difference between that and being a jock.
Personally, if I had done Columbine and I failed that badly I would be ashamed of myself. YOu would have too. You're too much of a detail freak to have all your plans go awry like theirs.