(no subject)

Hello fairey princessey land.

I'm happy but I don't have much time to myself. Time alone used to be something I was subjected to - wishing I had someone to be with.

Constantly being in pursuit of maybe was more limiting than I realized.

But tonight was a night for me. Stupid, a little drunk, knowing I should feel guilty but not doing so, and remembering...I used to listen to music. So I'm playing with the computer, dressed in a silly smock, standing by the window, listening to my fairy princess music.

Fuckallelse.

I don't feel confused but I don't know. What do I miss and not?

A lot of missing doesn't matter. I miss a dream that was never real for anyone. I miss an image, an illusion. I miss the marketed concept. I miss the highs ignorant of the lows.

I used to be alone all day notbychoice. Then I dressed super pretty and went out. There used to be clubs to go to. Well, there is still a big club with pretty people - but they're all skinny and 20 and not me. I also couldn't handle the conversation or lack thereof. It's been forever since I just took myself out dancing though. I don't mind feeling pretty even if nobody joins in.

This me is funny. I flex a lot, half the time thinking of avoiding injury, but then I feel like I"m wearing another costume - muscles. Armor.

I don't want to be devoid of feelings but I'm not sure they've really served me. Right now "I'm full of feels" but I don't know what they are or why.