(no subject)
Jul. 28th, 2016 10:29 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
vicarzHello fairey princessey land.
I'm happy but I don't have much time to myself. Time alone used to be something I was subjected to - wishing I had someone to be with.
Constantly being in pursuit of maybe was more limiting than I realized.
But tonight was a night for me. Stupid, a little drunk, knowing I should feel guilty but not doing so, and remembering...I used to listen to music. So I'm playing with the computer, dressed in a silly smock, standing by the window, listening to my fairy princess music.
Fuckallelse.
I don't feel confused but I don't know. What do I miss and not?
A lot of missing doesn't matter. I miss a dream that was never real for anyone. I miss an image, an illusion. I miss the marketed concept. I miss the highs ignorant of the lows.
I used to be alone all day notbychoice. Then I dressed super pretty and went out. There used to be clubs to go to. Well, there is still a big club with pretty people - but they're all skinny and 20 and not me. I also couldn't handle the conversation or lack thereof. It's been forever since I just took myself out dancing though. I don't mind feeling pretty even if nobody joins in.
This me is funny. I flex a lot, half the time thinking of avoiding injury, but then I feel like I"m wearing another costume - muscles. Armor.
I don't want to be devoid of feelings but I'm not sure they've really served me. Right now "I'm full of feels" but I don't know what they are or why.
I'm happy but I don't have much time to myself. Time alone used to be something I was subjected to - wishing I had someone to be with.
Constantly being in pursuit of maybe was more limiting than I realized.
But tonight was a night for me. Stupid, a little drunk, knowing I should feel guilty but not doing so, and remembering...I used to listen to music. So I'm playing with the computer, dressed in a silly smock, standing by the window, listening to my fairy princess music.
Fuckallelse.
I don't feel confused but I don't know. What do I miss and not?
A lot of missing doesn't matter. I miss a dream that was never real for anyone. I miss an image, an illusion. I miss the marketed concept. I miss the highs ignorant of the lows.
I used to be alone all day notbychoice. Then I dressed super pretty and went out. There used to be clubs to go to. Well, there is still a big club with pretty people - but they're all skinny and 20 and not me. I also couldn't handle the conversation or lack thereof. It's been forever since I just took myself out dancing though. I don't mind feeling pretty even if nobody joins in.
This me is funny. I flex a lot, half the time thinking of avoiding injury, but then I feel like I"m wearing another costume - muscles. Armor.
I don't want to be devoid of feelings but I'm not sure they've really served me. Right now "I'm full of feels" but I don't know what they are or why.
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no subject
Date: 2016-07-29 02:42 am (UTC)Yes. I find myself touching the armor to reassure myself that it's real and still there.
I miss going out, but I don't miss needing to go out. There is enough low-key interaction to be had, but nobody flirts, nobody notices you did those extra sets and are swole to show for it. I think I could shave my head and HCD would talk about his job.
no subject
Date: 2016-07-29 07:34 pm (UTC)