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Jan. 5th, 2016 07:37 amMusic: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=faAnXDp5ji8&feature=youtu.be
FB: "Amazing. Woke up and played this song, and am deeply missing ... something. Waxing nostalgic but over what I'm not sure. I'm so much happier now, but I also miss those times I felt connected in a world that was not."
Context - a friend that I'm not sure I know (friend of a friend, and I don't recognize the handle in fb, but a lot of my friends hide their ID from nonfriends) posted this video. They posted it as a shout out to a dead friend.
It's odd, it is an old love and rockets song, but it's not one I heard before (or recognize). It sent me in a nostalgic spiral...a tiny one. See this userpic? It was taken by an ex-friend, who no longer talks to me or most of her former friends. She was always "nervous," but went over the deep end when she cheated on her husband, divorced, made xtian nutjob friends, and married a politically conservative yahoo who basically seemed to live off of her. I sort of feel bad having lost a friend I knew for 20 years, but she was always on again off again and took a lot of work. I always had to tip-toe and she frequently blew up. I was the only ex she had that remained her friend - her usual tactic was to accuse the ex of abuse. It was sort of a relief to finally be off the short list.
But I can miss her like I miss the feeling this song invokes. We had sex. We knew each other's secrets and pain. We had a long history and inside jokes. We had a long series of good friend events.
It reminds me of when I felt connected in periods where I felt so not connected. I want to feel that way now, well I kind of want this to play in the background while I'm in a pile of my (friendly still) exes. Or while we sit in a living room filled with pot smoke. Smiling, laughing, comfortable, and safe as houses.
To have that feeling, of course, I have to feel at risk and in pain the rest of the time. I have to have insecurities I don't understand yet, feelings I misattribute to other dissatisfaction. I need to be working towards a future that hasn't occurred yet. I have to be blaming others for my own undiscovered and unfixed faults. I have to be insecure and lonely, so people and sexings are few and far in between. I need to be small, weak, and largely untrained so I often feel physically threatened. I need to have less developed social skills and less perspective to feel so alienated from mainstream society rather than simply disinterested.
I have to be unaware of how selfish I am.
It's like missing the feeling of being drunk at a family gathering I hate.
You don't get the relief without the pain.
FB: "Amazing. Woke up and played this song, and am deeply missing ... something. Waxing nostalgic but over what I'm not sure. I'm so much happier now, but I also miss those times I felt connected in a world that was not."
Context - a friend that I'm not sure I know (friend of a friend, and I don't recognize the handle in fb, but a lot of my friends hide their ID from nonfriends) posted this video. They posted it as a shout out to a dead friend.
It's odd, it is an old love and rockets song, but it's not one I heard before (or recognize). It sent me in a nostalgic spiral...a tiny one. See this userpic? It was taken by an ex-friend, who no longer talks to me or most of her former friends. She was always "nervous," but went over the deep end when she cheated on her husband, divorced, made xtian nutjob friends, and married a politically conservative yahoo who basically seemed to live off of her. I sort of feel bad having lost a friend I knew for 20 years, but she was always on again off again and took a lot of work. I always had to tip-toe and she frequently blew up. I was the only ex she had that remained her friend - her usual tactic was to accuse the ex of abuse. It was sort of a relief to finally be off the short list.
But I can miss her like I miss the feeling this song invokes. We had sex. We knew each other's secrets and pain. We had a long history and inside jokes. We had a long series of good friend events.
It reminds me of when I felt connected in periods where I felt so not connected. I want to feel that way now, well I kind of want this to play in the background while I'm in a pile of my (friendly still) exes. Or while we sit in a living room filled with pot smoke. Smiling, laughing, comfortable, and safe as houses.
To have that feeling, of course, I have to feel at risk and in pain the rest of the time. I have to have insecurities I don't understand yet, feelings I misattribute to other dissatisfaction. I need to be working towards a future that hasn't occurred yet. I have to be blaming others for my own undiscovered and unfixed faults. I have to be insecure and lonely, so people and sexings are few and far in between. I need to be small, weak, and largely untrained so I often feel physically threatened. I need to have less developed social skills and less perspective to feel so alienated from mainstream society rather than simply disinterested.
I have to be unaware of how selfish I am.
It's like missing the feeling of being drunk at a family gathering I hate.
You don't get the relief without the pain.
