(no subject)

Yeah don't look at okc and see the person you think might be taking seriously has updated their profile...like tonight, after we adjusted to set plans for tomorrow night. And I can't even judge because I updated my profile. How fucking dare you be as shitty and not sure if interested as me.

I know I'm talking crap but I totally just feel like chucking everything. Chuck fear of failure, and lack of fear of rejection. Fuck fucking. Fucking not fucking to try and connect with real people. Fuck in person interaction and online anything.

God fuck all of this.

Good morning me

I actually pay for eljay, and am annoyed I have a promotional ad about Stan Lee's new lj!? Da hell? Why is this tagline on my eljay bitches? Fucking russian mafia overlords...

Reconfirmed, by accidental conversation, that yes, an ex some exes ago was cheating on me as described so many times, still hopping crowds (though not every 6 mos, more like a year), and did tell everyone who would listen that I gave her cancer. In case you wonder why I'm so crazy about hpv and open conversations about health status - reality of the situation aside, even though multiple medical folks and med-educated friends, women, say hpv is not worth tracking or addressing other than the vaccine, even though the stories were not true or there was a highly likely plausible other explanation (we were together for years, without problems, but when people warned me she looked too chummy with the guy she cheated on me with is when she "got cancer,)" I still do the "risk factors" conversation before hooking up with anyone. Or theoretically that how things will work. I hear I took that too seriously, and that I still do, but I still do.

So I openly identify as someone who either has hpv or is a highly likely risk factor, not knowing which or whether, though if so, then I can say with a high degree of certainty that either I self-cured as the CDC says is common, or the vaccine covers what I carry. What I don't know is what to do moving forward. What about others, what about ... they don't test men for hpv. Condoms don't prevent transmission. If med professionals are saying it's absurd to identify as a theoretical risk factor...I'd rather be the zany over-communicative person on the subject. If I'm overcompensating then oh well. I'll shut up when I have a partner and if the issue is moot. Or not, so it's not always hidden shamefully in the shadows.

Oh, and normal people are sexing bareback because they're not dirty whores, and buttsecks is standard since the loophole virginity issue hit high school in the 90s. It sounds like the better disease transmission risk is with "whores" because they address risk factors and don't lie out of shame. Yay us whores! Or that's just how I identify and that may be out of date too. I identify based on what I did in the 90s and my lack of shame, but I don't seem to fit the definition. I also am trying to remember to...just be myself and not do the same old conversational routines. Don't be "in character," don't "act flaming," balanced with well do it if that's how you feel, but not if it's just a comfortable role you slip into out of habit and past experience/reinforcement. I'm not a 20something with long purple hair running around clubs in dresses telling people to feel my legs because I just shaved. What I am...well I'm not sure what I am, I'm a me and while I'm nothing special, I am a mix that you might expect from a 40something educated responsible man who takes care of his physical health and is politically left-leaning. Anyone could skin-ink and dye-hair, anyone can walk around naked or broadcast their sex stuff, but then what you get is people who want the sex stuff and the fleeting hope more comes from it. Better to be yourself and theoretically meet someone that works with that, as sex is 99% of the time compatible.

Not sure why I'm still ranting about this; not sure why typing it in eljay still feels like getting it off my chest.

I'm really happy that I deadlifted 405 yesterday, twice. I do it sumo, but with a lot of grunting, pacing with a star wars sith, and idiotic-looking psyching myself up, I pulled the weight - twice. A month or a month and change ago I had failed to pull that weight 2 months in a row. I had lost the ability to deadlift due to the labral tear, until I learned I could do a sumo. Then I had to learn sumo, and when I got the form and my weight shot up, I sort of assumed I could get to my old weight quickly and was sorely disappointed. Both my grip strength and liftability failed me...but it wasn't that it was out of reach, it was that my recover would take just a bit more building up than that. I should keep this in mind for the labral tear surgery - to not expect 6-9 month full recover miracles, to take slow steps and progress steady over time rather than hope to set records in weeks or months.

Oh, I did wear a belt too, though honestly it hurt the hell out of my gut so I'm not sure I did it right or that it helped. I guess I could try the lift beltless to see how that works to compare.

Funny that...I'm stronger. My pre-surgery lifts are records for me, 315 squat achieved and surpassed (for 2, or really close to it thanks Mike), 405 x 2 surpassed old record, press 155 (though I'm down from that, only hitting 145 for 1 the other day) surpassing my old 135, and the bench 235 (now down to 225) was also a new record.

I'm off from work today but about to sign on and catch up with emails.

Yeah, I'm still in a weird place emotionally. Considered pulling my tantrum down, didn't. This post is probably too public for what I am talking about, but I'm still doing it. You know, for the 8 people who still read liverussianmafia.