![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Mattering sucks
Sep. 16th, 2014 05:39 amJamie liked her note: I have to go soon (on the last day we'd see each other) and you're not here so I'm sitting in your chair writing you this note. You may not miss me, but I have cooties, so you won't forget me. José"
I couldn't sleep well - woke up, more like gave up lying still. Trying not to drink coffee right away, though I make it the night before and pour it in pyrex right away to avoid getting bitter in it's own funk. I will need the jolt more at work today, not that'll last past lunch.
Last night I freaked out before the meeting - I got 20, 30, 40? emails with people's wants and opinions for the property next to my house. I freaked out because it dawned on me that I had an important job. I had to represent the opinions of dozens of people on a serious issue. As I walked to the meeting, I ran into a neighbor and we spoke more - driving the lesson home she wished me luck and "We're all counting on you!" GordonRamsey ohfuckme...pressure? The meeting format added pressure - I sat in a group of seasoned political leaders - all of us there to present views in front of an audience of about 100. Oh, and we're at the table with the defacto next elected mayor.
ME. I AM NOT THIS IMPORTANT. I just want to drink beer, talk trash, and make out. I HATE PANTS and I'm sitting with suits.
Well except I am important, but only by default. I only make a difference because most people are so fucking lazy. The only people who show up to meetings are developers, crazies / single issue nutjobs, and political leaders. I have friends who voice disappointment in the political process, and I'm getting testier and testier as I see their lack of activity as the enemy. So, I am important for all the wrong reasons.
Each speaker made their points, and while there were different emphases - all speakers essentially had the same concerns: ( blahblah local issue )
Sorry, that's stuff I'm wrapped up in. I didn't bomb. I do have to force myself to do political things; instead of packing my shit and running for the door at 9pm I thank everyone at the table, walk around to talk to everyone I know - partly because I want to, partly because it shows the powerful in the room that I'm also connected and speaking for a diverse local group of people too. I find a land between how I am comfortable acting and how it shapes my ability to influence this process.
I parted ways and walked to my house. My empty, dusty, dirty, electric-water-gas free home. I walked inside with my little flashlight and closed the door. I turned off the flashlight and stood there. I could see the front and back windows; in the dark I could see from all the streetlights around me. It was quiet but I could hear the bustle of various neighbors, traffic, tvs. I looked around my house - walking mentally upstairs and downstairs. I know this house, I know where the rooms are, where things will go (perhaps not so much light switches).
It felt a little ghosty. Standing in the dark I got that hair rising on my neck feeling. I'm staying, not fighting nor giving into those silly feelings, bonding with things I don't believe in, making friends with the space.
I couldn't sleep well - woke up, more like gave up lying still. Trying not to drink coffee right away, though I make it the night before and pour it in pyrex right away to avoid getting bitter in it's own funk. I will need the jolt more at work today, not that'll last past lunch.
Last night I freaked out before the meeting - I got 20, 30, 40? emails with people's wants and opinions for the property next to my house. I freaked out because it dawned on me that I had an important job. I had to represent the opinions of dozens of people on a serious issue. As I walked to the meeting, I ran into a neighbor and we spoke more - driving the lesson home she wished me luck and "We're all counting on you!" GordonRamsey ohfuckme...pressure? The meeting format added pressure - I sat in a group of seasoned political leaders - all of us there to present views in front of an audience of about 100. Oh, and we're at the table with the defacto next elected mayor.
ME. I AM NOT THIS IMPORTANT. I just want to drink beer, talk trash, and make out. I HATE PANTS and I'm sitting with suits.
Well except I am important, but only by default. I only make a difference because most people are so fucking lazy. The only people who show up to meetings are developers, crazies / single issue nutjobs, and political leaders. I have friends who voice disappointment in the political process, and I'm getting testier and testier as I see their lack of activity as the enemy. So, I am important for all the wrong reasons.
Each speaker made their points, and while there were different emphases - all speakers essentially had the same concerns: ( blahblah local issue )
Sorry, that's stuff I'm wrapped up in. I didn't bomb. I do have to force myself to do political things; instead of packing my shit and running for the door at 9pm I thank everyone at the table, walk around to talk to everyone I know - partly because I want to, partly because it shows the powerful in the room that I'm also connected and speaking for a diverse local group of people too. I find a land between how I am comfortable acting and how it shapes my ability to influence this process.
I parted ways and walked to my house. My empty, dusty, dirty, electric-water-gas free home. I walked inside with my little flashlight and closed the door. I turned off the flashlight and stood there. I could see the front and back windows; in the dark I could see from all the streetlights around me. It was quiet but I could hear the bustle of various neighbors, traffic, tvs. I looked around my house - walking mentally upstairs and downstairs. I know this house, I know where the rooms are, where things will go (perhaps not so much light switches).
It felt a little ghosty. Standing in the dark I got that hair rising on my neck feeling. I'm staying, not fighting nor giving into those silly feelings, bonding with things I don't believe in, making friends with the space.
