(no subject)

And I was thinking about writing about my workout which was emotionally touching, also it avoids talking about the emotional issues which loom largest in my life right now, but instead I walked into a bombshell in the office. Our best (says me) and most favored counsel is leaving - like now, 2 weeks minimal polite notice.

( Eternity...ends. (Horta) )

What I thought I might write about this morning is how sore I am. ( GymStuffs )

(no subject)

Hello eljay where most of my friends don't go; where I can talk and feel like I'm talking to an audience with less risk of being heard.

I still want to talk but I know better
it doesn't matter because I already know the arguments
and it doesn't matter because discovering the arguments, reasons, and feelings is more important than the conclusions I draw.
I think.

I nearly drank for no reason tonight. I'm much more comfortable chopping off the world and all those people, choosing a feeling from a bottle that I can control. I can drink and just feel, those thoughts freed from the patterns and
freed from what?

I miss the clubs for that - when I could have something to look forward to, however empty and hollow. Like this talking, dancing felt more useful and social than in my living room. I could focus or be distracted (which is it).

I'm sadly more comfortable not knowing, not caring, not acting, not doing. I think I know the answer and I don't like it. Which is disciplined, which is selfish, who is being hurt and how much or long
and how will I ever know what is good for me? Am I avoiding my own good out of cowardice or just always looking for the next best thing?

I have to hope I've learned something and that I can do something with that whatever I learned. I learned i want.