Slam is not the right word

I went with Janna to the DC poetry slam finals last night. It was the finals and I was bored. I know slam is supposed to be casual, and I'm sensitive to being called a conformist anti-conformist. I don't even care about that issue - it's just that they all harped with the same style of voice about the same issues.

Like many I pictured myself on the stage, but did not think I'd seek approval. I wanted them to "win," to prevail, but listening to people run on, and on, about white on black discrimination issues PLUS the constant invocation of rape of wymyn, by men, I wondered if slam was just another distraction preventing progress - facebook in person.

Each person got up, crying the same dated cliches, invoking the same emotions, speaking in the same dialect and meter - black, white, azn, latino, and the racial flush that got privilege on super-multi-racial victimization hands to parade around like a badge of honor; each was in perfect harmony with this song. Each person was received well, with low scores an 8/10 for not invoking slavery-racism-rape. To get a 10 was to combine rape with white-against-african-american racism.

I fantasized about being the least popular slam poet since the meta-technique critiques. I thought if I had a message to deliver, it would be to stop the bleeding and leave the room. Get out in the sun, my brothers and sisters, the same sun that rose in africa today, and do something with your life. Something measurable. I'd harp "walk away from affirmation without substance." Get a job for short. Seek affirmation from a more diverse audience, with multiple measures of success. Find a winning emotion other than anger.

Each received affirmation for doing nothing but preaching to the dated choir. Each was rewarded for having opinions further and further out of line with mainstream realities. Each cried out with their message to stand strong and overcome, but none gave an example of what they did, what they produced, what they accomplished, what they achieved.

I'm rooting for them but I think the more they succeed in licking their perceived wounds in public the less likely they are to make an actual change. Slam scares me like political messages in facebook, where people feel like they accomplished something for sharing a picture of words to their isolated same-minded friends, and then fail to vote or attend a community meeting. People get the emotional masturbatory pleasure of telling people they care, sucking the affirmation for being a good person, but not actually helping the cute puppy in the picture. Slam poets were sharing but not helping themselves.

Or that was my fear after 2 hours of meter. I'm routing for you but not sure you succeed if you win that game.

(no subject)

Reviewing the bid and emailed questions about the bid, I'm alarmed that not only is the bid more than I hoped for, but on review it might not even include the master bath and washing machine closet. I can't think of anything else because I was ready to write checks for tens of thousands of dollars, to total hundreds of thousands of dollars, but now instead I'm wondering if I need to pull back or even rebid the job.

At what dollar value is it worth my while to open up bidding? His prices looked low per unit, but some costs are starting to look too high on further reflection.

I was ready to get this going, started making plans, and now I may find I'm just slightly past square 1.

I had upgrades planned on most materials, and was thinking of blowing up the ceiling in the master. Now...it's been since before 1/29/14; 4 months of double or more bills, of time spent learning, researching, running around.

I'm just too tired to be this frustrated.

I could start over, I have test pits, I have design plans. I could pay engineers and architects that I tried to avoid earlier, pay some people for a plan and then bid out contractors with a convenient chart to tell them what to do.

Hope I'm misunderstanding and overreacting. This is my vent, and I'm staying composed while perhaps having some questions and some potential concerns to discuss. This is my vent, checkbook in my pocket but ready to walk away. I don't know which course is irresponsible.

Edit - I'm freaking out because it took me 20 years and more of hard work, sacrifice, working harder than my peers, going to graduate school twice...this is decades of my life I'm juggling here. It's not just a cost, money, savings, it's years of my life. It's my gray hair, my wrinkled face, creaking knees, sleepless nights.

(no subject)

Met the contractor briefly today, and set a meeting for tomorrow afternoon; going over the contract (some more) with Scott.

Work is busy which isn't helping me much right now.

1. The master-bath isn't fully in the bid - BUT all the plumbing and framing is, so it would be another 8k to finish it up.
2. The washer-dryer closet is in the bid.
3. I asked him about lead paint cert - he knew about it but it's not what he does. Since most of the house is being removed, I may get a lead-free cert for paint to go with my not-lead pipe investment.
4. Does include the water line
5. Does not include sump, because it will depend on where sewer line is to see if we need (ejector pump?) which effects this decision.
6. He will be writing up a contract (sounds like tonight)
7. Meet tomorrow 3:30
8. He can start this Monday.