(no subject)

I can spend hours lamenting the stupid things I've done, or worse the smart things I didn't do (usually stupid has a reason at the time - like candy), and I need to stop and "scream" at myself that if I did everything right I would not be sitting around basking in how right I was with no regrets. I was in a real mental spiral the other day, and I had an absolute start when I reminded myself that I have done and been things I never dreamed of. Look around man, and how dare I regret that I didn't rise to a higher station, have kids earlier, be a gym rat in high school, study martial arts harder for longer, commit and stop fucking around - sure, each could have been a good idea. I made a lot of right decisions, such as education and personal fiscal responsibility, hell while optional my various gym programs have left me in pretty damn good health - and those abilities have helped my raging insecurities...how dare I whine about regrets.

Regrets - I wouldn't be basking in smugness had I done all the things I dream of retroactively today. I'd be lamenting the stupid things I didn't do, doing stupid things because they looked shiny from a distance, Also, my god I'm SO FORTUNATE to have what I do today. Most of the things I wanted have been offered or available to me - it was my choice each time to turn another way due to a perceived downside or in pursuit of something else.

Of course we're all lucky not to be a starving child soldier in Africa...but I actually am generally happy. It's only when I work myself into a hissy for no reason, with no actual pain in my life, that I find unhappy. It's not like I have to convince myself to be happy when I'm not - I am happy, but I find reasons that I could be happier still and that makes me sad.

My god that's actually it. Bwah!