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May. 3rd, 2013 07:24 amThe gym is my favorite drug. I'm addicted to it, and the withdrawal symptoms are essentially a mood disorder. Don't fuck with my endorphins (or I'll whine angstily). But it is just a drug and it's not necessarily good for me.
Yesterday I was happy to do 10 DL at like 285. It's not the same as 405 once or twice, but it's respectable. I celebrated (by grunting, and doing a snoopy happy dance in my mind). However, bringing me back to earth was my failed attempt to do "speed squats" at low weight, as even at 115 - somehow that same motion as what I lifted 225 for 10 last week made my ass feel stabbed/burning. Unreal this has taken so long, but I'm happy to be lifting at all.
I'm trying to make my workouts longer as I haven't been doing cardio and was facing more depreciation. The speed work covers both strength (power) and cardio to a degree, or would if my ass didn't have a mystery tear.
But the gym success is fake even if the results are real. I lift alone and it produces nothing. I feel good, and strong, but I'm competing in an arena that doesn't matter. I don't work out with friends, working out doesn't make me friends, hell it doesn't lead to anything, and nobody gives a shit how strong I am. Good god girls don't care - I'm proud of my body but the only people that want to see it are gay men, and then just as a shape to their receptacle. I feel tough and confident, but that feeling is misplaced. I sucked at boxing years ago - how much do I suck at fighting now?
If I didn't read the internet I'd toally be that guy running around without his shirt on, or in a tank top, because he thought girls would like it. I'd do it _because_ girls would like it. I might as well drive a flashy car it's so wrong.
I look at girls in the gym and am stuck on the athletic body - I try not to gawk or anything, but a hot body is a real magnet to me. I realistically understand I'm not going to get along with most people who look like that. Former crossdressing goth who still doesn't care about sports guy, who doesn't dress up anymore and has short hair, identifies as bisexual, not a likely candidate for athletic successful career girl. If I wanted to date (crazy people again) retired goths I'd be better off ditching the gym (or switching to running/swimming) and being a skinny long hair kid again.
Only, I'm a poorly dressed aging man. I wear t-shirts with chucks and worn jeans or black kakis. I'm not a preppie or profesional style fan, but I am an attorney. I like hippie aesthetic, but not hippies and I'm too direct/driven for them.
Yesterday I was happy to do 10 DL at like 285. It's not the same as 405 once or twice, but it's respectable. I celebrated (by grunting, and doing a snoopy happy dance in my mind). However, bringing me back to earth was my failed attempt to do "speed squats" at low weight, as even at 115 - somehow that same motion as what I lifted 225 for 10 last week made my ass feel stabbed/burning. Unreal this has taken so long, but I'm happy to be lifting at all.
I'm trying to make my workouts longer as I haven't been doing cardio and was facing more depreciation. The speed work covers both strength (power) and cardio to a degree, or would if my ass didn't have a mystery tear.
But the gym success is fake even if the results are real. I lift alone and it produces nothing. I feel good, and strong, but I'm competing in an arena that doesn't matter. I don't work out with friends, working out doesn't make me friends, hell it doesn't lead to anything, and nobody gives a shit how strong I am. Good god girls don't care - I'm proud of my body but the only people that want to see it are gay men, and then just as a shape to their receptacle. I feel tough and confident, but that feeling is misplaced. I sucked at boxing years ago - how much do I suck at fighting now?
If I didn't read the internet I'd toally be that guy running around without his shirt on, or in a tank top, because he thought girls would like it. I'd do it _because_ girls would like it. I might as well drive a flashy car it's so wrong.
I look at girls in the gym and am stuck on the athletic body - I try not to gawk or anything, but a hot body is a real magnet to me. I realistically understand I'm not going to get along with most people who look like that. Former crossdressing goth who still doesn't care about sports guy, who doesn't dress up anymore and has short hair, identifies as bisexual, not a likely candidate for athletic successful career girl. If I wanted to date (crazy people again) retired goths I'd be better off ditching the gym (or switching to running/swimming) and being a skinny long hair kid again.
Only, I'm a poorly dressed aging man. I wear t-shirts with chucks and worn jeans or black kakis. I'm not a preppie or profesional style fan, but I am an attorney. I like hippie aesthetic, but not hippies and I'm too direct/driven for them.
