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Nothing is worth sharing
Dec. 1st, 2012 12:09 pmI'm dying. No obvious time soon, but my parts are wearing out and not being replaced. My vision has taken a nose dive. I can't see small print, now normal sized print. This means I'm so old the meat of my eyes is becoming less flexible, and it is not being replaced. This is the new forever, glasses, fading, fuzzy vision, slow death. It's not a steady curve either - steps down you can't see in advance.
I know I blew out my hearing in nightclubs, but I was in the elevator the other day when I man was talking about arguing with his wife about whether his hearing was going or his wife was mumbling. He went to the doctor, and was told his hearing was perfect...for a man his age. "What?! What does that mean?" he asked, to be told around 50 you start to lose a certain area of your hearing. I'm near that, and with my vision going I can see it - 5 years is a short time to me today, well except that it's ticking towards my death. My meat is growing stale, stiff, and drying up. The lines in my face don't vanish with moisturizer.
Today I played some old Cars' records, to find my lp player is broken. Nothing happened to break it, and it plays - but it's stopped living the needle and moving it on its own. Suddenly I have a Technics 1200 that doesn't have pitch control. Similarly, I still have a carousel cd player...which has also stopped working. Nothing has been physically damaged - no bumps, drops, or floods - they just...I have to presume they aged. The plastic dried up, wires grew brittle, and it just stopped working due to age.
I think things I buy will last forever. Then someone tells me my pants have faded, the bottoms fray, electronics stop working for no apparent reason...and my music.
I listen to songs I still hear playing over and over in my head, only to hear how campy and dated they are. In my head it's still new, but someone hearing it in the air makes the age more apparent. It's as bad as finding and old friend in facebook only to miss the friend you remember. I'll take the lie over that truth.
I hear comments like this with wry grins, but usually an air of satisfaction. Those comments are typically from people who have significant accomplishments behind them, and a family. They are happy to pass the mantle, having done their best and knowing their brethren will do no better or worse than they. I have potentially reached my goal of slacking, but my cute indecisiveness has now yielded the result of...well a meaningless life and an approaching death.
For sounding melancholy I'm actually in a pretty good mood. I'm almost as comfortable as a parent facing a slow slope towards death, though I'm not sure why.
I know I blew out my hearing in nightclubs, but I was in the elevator the other day when I man was talking about arguing with his wife about whether his hearing was going or his wife was mumbling. He went to the doctor, and was told his hearing was perfect...for a man his age. "What?! What does that mean?" he asked, to be told around 50 you start to lose a certain area of your hearing. I'm near that, and with my vision going I can see it - 5 years is a short time to me today, well except that it's ticking towards my death. My meat is growing stale, stiff, and drying up. The lines in my face don't vanish with moisturizer.
Today I played some old Cars' records, to find my lp player is broken. Nothing happened to break it, and it plays - but it's stopped living the needle and moving it on its own. Suddenly I have a Technics 1200 that doesn't have pitch control. Similarly, I still have a carousel cd player...which has also stopped working. Nothing has been physically damaged - no bumps, drops, or floods - they just...I have to presume they aged. The plastic dried up, wires grew brittle, and it just stopped working due to age.
I think things I buy will last forever. Then someone tells me my pants have faded, the bottoms fray, electronics stop working for no apparent reason...and my music.
I listen to songs I still hear playing over and over in my head, only to hear how campy and dated they are. In my head it's still new, but someone hearing it in the air makes the age more apparent. It's as bad as finding and old friend in facebook only to miss the friend you remember. I'll take the lie over that truth.
I hear comments like this with wry grins, but usually an air of satisfaction. Those comments are typically from people who have significant accomplishments behind them, and a family. They are happy to pass the mantle, having done their best and knowing their brethren will do no better or worse than they. I have potentially reached my goal of slacking, but my cute indecisiveness has now yielded the result of...well a meaningless life and an approaching death.
For sounding melancholy I'm actually in a pretty good mood. I'm almost as comfortable as a parent facing a slow slope towards death, though I'm not sure why.
