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Feb. 19th, 2012 05:07 pmKim - I don't think she actually took me to the Depo, but she might have? I know we went to Poseur's...last night in the depo I remembered, vaguely with no name, the girl from Psi-Chi who took me to the depo. I remember hearing Gruesome Twosome's "Hallucination Generation" and being floored, having the stuck in my head for years before I heard it again - years later I actually got a copy
(was given and I'm still grateful)
I wouldn't have imagined I'd still be going 20+ years later, listening to many of the SAME SONGS, and being so comfortable. Not socially awkward or insecure. Uh, and muscular. It's all ... I try to keep a perspective on where I've been. I used to rent a room. I made beans and rice and ate it for a week, and didn't like the taste one bit. I had a sketchy car and knew where junkyards were. I worked full time while going to grad school...then did it again, only in a much harder job and harder school with law school. Now I waste tons of time and feel like I don't have time to clean or shop...over years, decades, I've slipped into a comfortable place where I can forget the constant fear. Now life is just where do I waste my time, how much stronger than average do I get, how fast do I get to retirement and at what level...
I've gone from drinking to alleviate pain to...a mild taste to keep from getting raspy while I yell over the music.
THIS, I suppose, THIS is why I worked so hard. I don't think I understood what it was I was working for in substance - I didn't know it would feel like this, but all that fucking sacrifice and misery is finally paying dividends. Small but regular dividends. I've gone from salving pain to...whatever the fuck this is. I can't quite articulate it yet, but I'll take it - I like it.
Law school, dad in the hospital, pain has become like the dentist - I remember it hurt but I can't feel that pain the same way. I can't recall acute pain.
I still know I was crazy not long ago, and many times before that. I don't know what wall there is, paper or stone, between me and crazy again.
Speaking of crazy oddly at the training I gave a bunch of the fellows, some obviously athletic and strong, were full of question about whether they could bring guns to work and when not if they could keep them in the car. I held back asking if any of them had been shot at or drawn that gun lately. Fear, what of? Statistically irrelevant what exactly? Do people see a movie or FOX and suddenly think a scary man is going to attack them and their family with a knife? Guns aren't cheap to buy or maintain either.
(was given and I'm still grateful)
I wouldn't have imagined I'd still be going 20+ years later, listening to many of the SAME SONGS, and being so comfortable. Not socially awkward or insecure. Uh, and muscular. It's all ... I try to keep a perspective on where I've been. I used to rent a room. I made beans and rice and ate it for a week, and didn't like the taste one bit. I had a sketchy car and knew where junkyards were. I worked full time while going to grad school...then did it again, only in a much harder job and harder school with law school. Now I waste tons of time and feel like I don't have time to clean or shop...over years, decades, I've slipped into a comfortable place where I can forget the constant fear. Now life is just where do I waste my time, how much stronger than average do I get, how fast do I get to retirement and at what level...
I've gone from drinking to alleviate pain to...a mild taste to keep from getting raspy while I yell over the music.
THIS, I suppose, THIS is why I worked so hard. I don't think I understood what it was I was working for in substance - I didn't know it would feel like this, but all that fucking sacrifice and misery is finally paying dividends. Small but regular dividends. I've gone from salving pain to...whatever the fuck this is. I can't quite articulate it yet, but I'll take it - I like it.
Law school, dad in the hospital, pain has become like the dentist - I remember it hurt but I can't feel that pain the same way. I can't recall acute pain.
I still know I was crazy not long ago, and many times before that. I don't know what wall there is, paper or stone, between me and crazy again.
Speaking of crazy oddly at the training I gave a bunch of the fellows, some obviously athletic and strong, were full of question about whether they could bring guns to work and when not if they could keep them in the car. I held back asking if any of them had been shot at or drawn that gun lately. Fear, what of? Statistically irrelevant what exactly? Do people see a movie or FOX and suddenly think a scary man is going to attack them and their family with a knife? Guns aren't cheap to buy or maintain either.
