(no subject)

I think it's impossible to enjoy the things I'll miss. Things that I didn't care about as a child now tug on nostalgia - I'll spend money on things that remind me of what was background as a child. I about gooshed my pants this AM when I left the apt to hear a mildly annoying bird chirping wildly. I longed to be trying to sleep by the open window wishing it would shut up.

I'm getting paid to work and am working, but I'm in my fav local coffee shop. I worked my friggin ass off to be here thank you. I kept in the government when "it was uncool," went to law school, and have earned my position many times over at work. I've forced myself to work, subverted my anger, and learned humility to discover when it's me with the problem rather than my boss / the system. Mostly. But...instead of being filled with joy and gratitude, well obviously I have some, but ... I just see the work that needs doing and long for even more time and benefits. Always the longing for more. If I had the world's 2nd biggest boat...

It took me a long time to realize that wanting to love everyone, phsically, wasn't so much beautiful as diminishing what it meantwhen I loved anyone physically. "Because you were there" is not my favorite answer. It seems as I've aged I've become more "female" while I look and dress the part far less. I'm going to die a lesbian, a kind of frumpy one I suspect.