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Apr. 17th, 2010 12:46 pmI'm horribly broken or not. I have a lot of feeling and no substance. I I I
I decided not to get drunk for no reason last night, then got up this morning on a mission to get drunk on coffee. I've had 2 cups and a mocha but I still just want to go back to bed and nap.
Last night I told Janna I was full of wanting to hang out with people but not wanting to hang out with anyone in particular nor leave the house. I used to spend tons of time alone, then hit the club and had some good feeling there. I wasn't happy then either - I went from being insecure to confident in my uh...freakness, but then I tired of the fact what I had was something anyone who grew hair and put on the outfit could have. It wasn't me they liked - it was the look, the things I would do, and it was all empty. I could be replaced - sure you wanted me, but you'd want any twit that shopped for the wall-outfits of hot topic and would put out. Some identity.
I think now I don't want the bar scene so much as the coffee scene. Coffee is less shallow - you have to be able to muddle your way through a conversation, issues, subjects, genuine social interaction under a weaker influencing beverage and far more scrutiny under genuine light. I think a coffee house could totally work - not as obvious as the app that tells everyone where you are (so they can look you up, but you're not actually soliciting human interaction with anyone in particular) but while you're non-committal about anyone in particular you can still actually engage in who you see face to face. You can bring your own people or ... I guess nobody meets anyone in a coffee place but they could conceivably coincidentally meet someone they knew. I'd really like to be a regular and know more people there...like the roxy was, only by day.
Oh I have the crazies hard-core today. Hard fucking core.
Huge emotions, none that stand up to analysis - they're just there. I ... I wonder if it's good or bad. I refuse to consider things like therapy or worse, drugs to alter my mood - yet my moods are very controlled by drugs - though the drugs I use only influence what's there - they don't really make it. Pills can make you happy, but my liquids only amplify - booze can lead to mad, sad, happy...all of those, and where I am affects where I go. No prozakky happy for me. Why? What's the difference really? I think...I think I take drugs to see where the feelings are only then to see why they are there and if they make sense. I want the feelings, but I also want to be me
no matter how fucked up that me is.
I decided not to get drunk for no reason last night, then got up this morning on a mission to get drunk on coffee. I've had 2 cups and a mocha but I still just want to go back to bed and nap.
Last night I told Janna I was full of wanting to hang out with people but not wanting to hang out with anyone in particular nor leave the house. I used to spend tons of time alone, then hit the club and had some good feeling there. I wasn't happy then either - I went from being insecure to confident in my uh...freakness, but then I tired of the fact what I had was something anyone who grew hair and put on the outfit could have. It wasn't me they liked - it was the look, the things I would do, and it was all empty. I could be replaced - sure you wanted me, but you'd want any twit that shopped for the wall-outfits of hot topic and would put out. Some identity.
I think now I don't want the bar scene so much as the coffee scene. Coffee is less shallow - you have to be able to muddle your way through a conversation, issues, subjects, genuine social interaction under a weaker influencing beverage and far more scrutiny under genuine light. I think a coffee house could totally work - not as obvious as the app that tells everyone where you are (so they can look you up, but you're not actually soliciting human interaction with anyone in particular) but while you're non-committal about anyone in particular you can still actually engage in who you see face to face. You can bring your own people or ... I guess nobody meets anyone in a coffee place but they could conceivably coincidentally meet someone they knew. I'd really like to be a regular and know more people there...like the roxy was, only by day.
Oh I have the crazies hard-core today. Hard fucking core.
Huge emotions, none that stand up to analysis - they're just there. I ... I wonder if it's good or bad. I refuse to consider things like therapy or worse, drugs to alter my mood - yet my moods are very controlled by drugs - though the drugs I use only influence what's there - they don't really make it. Pills can make you happy, but my liquids only amplify - booze can lead to mad, sad, happy...all of those, and where I am affects where I go. No prozakky happy for me. Why? What's the difference really? I think...I think I take drugs to see where the feelings are only then to see why they are there and if they make sense. I want the feelings, but I also want to be me
no matter how fucked up that me is.
