![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Janna and I have a difference I think is fundamental - she's positive. If I throw a party and 4 people show up - I try to keep a game face on and make sure my guests enjoy themselves, but inside I'm just like "fuck it, this sucks." Janna pulls out a game and is happy there are 4 people to play with. I don't think it even occurs to her ... the suck factor. And you know what? Not only does she not start many sentences with conjunctions, but she also has a better time, her friends have a better time, and things actually fucking get better when she isn't busy isolating herself in a warm blanket of hate to distance herself from the suck. Seriously. It's weird. I'm trying to take lessons from that - it's counter to my thought pattern, but the results are inarguably better.
I love you Janna, and I hope this shit I got you for the pagan murder festival doesn't suck.
Baby steps, baby steps...
SPEAKING OF HAPPY TIMES
Here is a video of "Uncle" Al Jourgensen singing happy christmas to all of you. You can buy this song on eyEtoonz, and if you do, a full 99ยข of each purchase goes to help put this song on your ipod. The rest of goes to fuck yourself. If you haven't given in this holiday season, this is a good cause to contribute to.
KANGAL should watch this, but he is unlikely to see this as he's all facebooky now and I'm too lazy to go there and post the link.
See? I didn't say because facebook sucks, or facebook users suck, it's me that chooses not to go there. I am taking credit for my actions without acting like I'm a fucking princess.
Although, really, I am a princess. A very special princess who is contantly misunderstood by an ugly world but someday my prince will come along and when we meet he'll sweep me off my feet and not only make me happy, but everyone will see how beautiful I really am...
(link yoinked from Peter)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0AxJTynZSVU
That's a HARD lesson to learn, one I see some of my saddest friends stuck in. I'm not entirely sure how this lesson goes and I feel oddly drunk so I'm not sure I can explain it well, but it goes something like this:
Dysfunctional emo cycle of wound-licking instead of growing up and getting better:
1. Some people -
and by this I am including myself, not referencing anyone who can read this, but if you want to take this as a passive-aggressive attack you go right ahead but understand you're crazy and that shit is in your head, and by spending your time thinking everything is a personal attack on you keeps you stuck in a self-licking spiral of shit...oops there I go again...
Ahem, some people respond to getting hurt by criticizing the source of the hurt. That's ok sometimes, healthy if used in moderation, and may be an accurate summation of some situations.
2. The criticism of the hurt-source feels good and makes you feel better. You discount the source of your pain, and the insult, rejection, feedback, or disappointment fade a little as you think the people who tell you "you suck," or treat you like you suck, suck themselves.
3. You feel BETTER than those who hurt you. Even if true that you are acting better than they are at this moment, by rejecting their opinions you are isolating yourself as a consequence of this defense mechanism. If you cross this line, this is a point where the healthy defense mechanism starts to become dysfunctional. Nothing has changed in the world around you, but you feel better by choosing independently to elevate yourself mentally from your detractors.
4. You feel better about yourself, hooray. However, the feeling better is sort of self-indulgent. No matter how much you're talking about the source of your pain, no matter how right you are, you're licking your own wounds. You're using your mind to feel better and the focus ultimately is you and your feelings. This is teen angst, this is emo, this is...this is dysfunctional when you start to find the beauty in being hurt. You believe your pain is important in this state, and as you swim in the angst you act as though you were in a video - as though if someone could see you, hear the music, that it would be intense and touching. Even your ugly snot ragged sobbing only serves to show how beautiful you truly are, and the ugly is just a reflection of that horrible world that doesn't understand you, fails to appreciate you, and your feelings are so much more intense than others around you. Your feelings are special, and while others have them, people don't feel them to the degree that you do. Nobody in this state would say this out loud or think it in these words, but isn't this what it really boils down to?
5. This wound licking becomes a pattern. Instead of receiving feedback and finding where you went wrong, instead of finding inspiration to change the behavior that leads to unhappiness, you switch to wound-licking mode in reaction to pain. There may be truth in the criticism, there may be assholes in your life you need to excommunicate, there may be things you're doing that keep you receiving negative feedback whether justified or not - but instead of going through the difficult process of discovering the true source of the pain or even without understanding, engaging in new behaviors that break you out of the unhealthy pattern, you wound-lick. It feels better in the short term but doesn't fix a thing. The more you do it, the more reinforced the pattern is and the harder it is to break away. You're like a drunk now, diving for the bottle of liquid pleasure not for the pleasure but because it stops the pain and it is the closest to pleasure you know anymore - that cessation (or reduction) of pain.
6. Nothing gets better. Nobody discovers how beautiful you are. Nobody is shocked at the horrible pain you feel. Rather, people get the crazy vibe from you right away and scooch away from you as fast as their ass-cheeks will take them. You're a vortex of need, a sucking force that can be detected. You might be smart, nice, and a wonderful person you think you are - but you're a DRAIN on others, your demands wear others out. You radiate so much desperation stray dogs on the street avoid you. Your good qualities are outweighed by your bad ones now, and you're not aware enough to realize this so it just gets worse. Lonely doesn't help your condition.
7. Because you're so obviously broken, the people who associate with you now are potentially worse enemies to you than yourself. Who doesn't care about how fucked up you are? Douchebags who can use you for something. Crazy people who don't recognize your issues. Other people who feel misunderstood and under appreciated. The only people you'll meet in this state are broken themselves so you're unlikely to get involved in activities that will break you out of the pattern. In fact, you may have more genuine problems in your life now as people, with or without intent, use you for their own needs in ways that help neither of you in the long term.
I hope that makes sense. I know I've done some of these steps, I've felt some of the feelings above, and it is sincerely my hope that any random fuck can read that and find some helpful information in it that helps them out of their hole. I've been in that hole and haven't exactly broken out of that pattern. Ultimately it doesn't matter how wrong someone was or how unfortunate I was - the burden is on me to fix it, to fix me. I will be stronger for it when I do get better. I should add this as a potential #8...overcoming adversity is how you get better than where you were in the first place. Some muscle was stressed, it was hurt, but when it recovered it got bigger and the mitochondria stored more sugar so next time it would be ready for the stressor. Like Britney sang "I'm stronger."
Always wisdom in those Spears' lyrics!
Some analogies and then I'll have some toast and stop wasting your bandwidth:
Drunks. Drinking is not done for fun anymore, but for maintenance. Drinking is now substituted for social activities entirely. Social activities are only engaged in drunk, so you never give a good impression. You're so drunk so often the only people who aren't turned off are people who want to fuck you and use your drunk state to manipulate you as an easy score, or people too drunk themselves to recognize something is wrong with you right now.
Whores. Sex is a way to meet people, you don't understand people that don't want you for sex, you don't trust people who don't want to sex you. You meet people that don't mind banging the town whore(s), often who are hungry whores themselves, or people who like to dip their wick and don't care what they dip it in or what damage they do by it. You do meet people who perhaps you could form a real bond with, but you fail to recognize them (they might not jam their hand down your pants hello) or they blow you off because they aren't looking to dip or be dipped in exclusion of other types of contact.
Drinking and whoring - healthy in moderation? Something like that.
I love you Janna, and I hope this shit I got you for the pagan murder festival doesn't suck.
Baby steps, baby steps...
SPEAKING OF HAPPY TIMES
Here is a video of "Uncle" Al Jourgensen singing happy christmas to all of you. You can buy this song on eyEtoonz, and if you do, a full 99ยข of each purchase goes to help put this song on your ipod. The rest of goes to fuck yourself. If you haven't given in this holiday season, this is a good cause to contribute to.
KANGAL should watch this, but he is unlikely to see this as he's all facebooky now and I'm too lazy to go there and post the link.
See? I didn't say because facebook sucks, or facebook users suck, it's me that chooses not to go there. I am taking credit for my actions without acting like I'm a fucking princess.
Although, really, I am a princess. A very special princess who is contantly misunderstood by an ugly world but someday my prince will come along and when we meet he'll sweep me off my feet and not only make me happy, but everyone will see how beautiful I really am...
(link yoinked from Peter)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0AxJTynZSVU
That's a HARD lesson to learn, one I see some of my saddest friends stuck in. I'm not entirely sure how this lesson goes and I feel oddly drunk so I'm not sure I can explain it well, but it goes something like this:
Dysfunctional emo cycle of wound-licking instead of growing up and getting better:
1. Some people -
and by this I am including myself, not referencing anyone who can read this, but if you want to take this as a passive-aggressive attack you go right ahead but understand you're crazy and that shit is in your head, and by spending your time thinking everything is a personal attack on you keeps you stuck in a self-licking spiral of shit...oops there I go again...
Ahem, some people respond to getting hurt by criticizing the source of the hurt. That's ok sometimes, healthy if used in moderation, and may be an accurate summation of some situations.
2. The criticism of the hurt-source feels good and makes you feel better. You discount the source of your pain, and the insult, rejection, feedback, or disappointment fade a little as you think the people who tell you "you suck," or treat you like you suck, suck themselves.
3. You feel BETTER than those who hurt you. Even if true that you are acting better than they are at this moment, by rejecting their opinions you are isolating yourself as a consequence of this defense mechanism. If you cross this line, this is a point where the healthy defense mechanism starts to become dysfunctional. Nothing has changed in the world around you, but you feel better by choosing independently to elevate yourself mentally from your detractors.
4. You feel better about yourself, hooray. However, the feeling better is sort of self-indulgent. No matter how much you're talking about the source of your pain, no matter how right you are, you're licking your own wounds. You're using your mind to feel better and the focus ultimately is you and your feelings. This is teen angst, this is emo, this is...this is dysfunctional when you start to find the beauty in being hurt. You believe your pain is important in this state, and as you swim in the angst you act as though you were in a video - as though if someone could see you, hear the music, that it would be intense and touching. Even your ugly snot ragged sobbing only serves to show how beautiful you truly are, and the ugly is just a reflection of that horrible world that doesn't understand you, fails to appreciate you, and your feelings are so much more intense than others around you. Your feelings are special, and while others have them, people don't feel them to the degree that you do. Nobody in this state would say this out loud or think it in these words, but isn't this what it really boils down to?
5. This wound licking becomes a pattern. Instead of receiving feedback and finding where you went wrong, instead of finding inspiration to change the behavior that leads to unhappiness, you switch to wound-licking mode in reaction to pain. There may be truth in the criticism, there may be assholes in your life you need to excommunicate, there may be things you're doing that keep you receiving negative feedback whether justified or not - but instead of going through the difficult process of discovering the true source of the pain or even without understanding, engaging in new behaviors that break you out of the unhealthy pattern, you wound-lick. It feels better in the short term but doesn't fix a thing. The more you do it, the more reinforced the pattern is and the harder it is to break away. You're like a drunk now, diving for the bottle of liquid pleasure not for the pleasure but because it stops the pain and it is the closest to pleasure you know anymore - that cessation (or reduction) of pain.
6. Nothing gets better. Nobody discovers how beautiful you are. Nobody is shocked at the horrible pain you feel. Rather, people get the crazy vibe from you right away and scooch away from you as fast as their ass-cheeks will take them. You're a vortex of need, a sucking force that can be detected. You might be smart, nice, and a wonderful person you think you are - but you're a DRAIN on others, your demands wear others out. You radiate so much desperation stray dogs on the street avoid you. Your good qualities are outweighed by your bad ones now, and you're not aware enough to realize this so it just gets worse. Lonely doesn't help your condition.
7. Because you're so obviously broken, the people who associate with you now are potentially worse enemies to you than yourself. Who doesn't care about how fucked up you are? Douchebags who can use you for something. Crazy people who don't recognize your issues. Other people who feel misunderstood and under appreciated. The only people you'll meet in this state are broken themselves so you're unlikely to get involved in activities that will break you out of the pattern. In fact, you may have more genuine problems in your life now as people, with or without intent, use you for their own needs in ways that help neither of you in the long term.
I hope that makes sense. I know I've done some of these steps, I've felt some of the feelings above, and it is sincerely my hope that any random fuck can read that and find some helpful information in it that helps them out of their hole. I've been in that hole and haven't exactly broken out of that pattern. Ultimately it doesn't matter how wrong someone was or how unfortunate I was - the burden is on me to fix it, to fix me. I will be stronger for it when I do get better. I should add this as a potential #8...overcoming adversity is how you get better than where you were in the first place. Some muscle was stressed, it was hurt, but when it recovered it got bigger and the mitochondria stored more sugar so next time it would be ready for the stressor. Like Britney sang "I'm stronger."
Always wisdom in those Spears' lyrics!
Some analogies and then I'll have some toast and stop wasting your bandwidth:
Drunks. Drinking is not done for fun anymore, but for maintenance. Drinking is now substituted for social activities entirely. Social activities are only engaged in drunk, so you never give a good impression. You're so drunk so often the only people who aren't turned off are people who want to fuck you and use your drunk state to manipulate you as an easy score, or people too drunk themselves to recognize something is wrong with you right now.
Whores. Sex is a way to meet people, you don't understand people that don't want you for sex, you don't trust people who don't want to sex you. You meet people that don't mind banging the town whore(s), often who are hungry whores themselves, or people who like to dip their wick and don't care what they dip it in or what damage they do by it. You do meet people who perhaps you could form a real bond with, but you fail to recognize them (they might not jam their hand down your pants hello) or they blow you off because they aren't looking to dip or be dipped in exclusion of other types of contact.
Drinking and whoring - healthy in moderation? Something like that.
