(no subject)

I've gotten so self-conscious that I feel arrogant by posting in my eljay. "What makes me think my thoughts are so important as to broadcast them?" On the other hand, at least I'm not hiding behind a veil and trying to make friends by controlling what they do and don't know about me, so if I have friends they only are friends because they don't know the full truth. Where is the happy medium? Is it a happy medium if I just post my stuff in public but don't pretend it's important?

Does anyone want a copy of warhammer online for free? I bought a copy not realizing you can _only_ play it online - I was hoping to have a solo campaign. I don't want to play any game with a monthly subscription fee so I'm nixing this game for personal use.

I'm wondering whether I should cut my f-list again, either using filters or just removing people who only cross-post from facebook or twitter. A daily summary of pointless tweets is not a post but those are starting to make up a significant portion of my list. Are my friends growing up or was talking online just a phase for my friends or society as a whole? I miss it but if it is gone (or changed to the point I don't appreciate it, like facebook) shouldn't I just adapt and move on?

So in case you care about the psychotic inner-ramblings of me:
I'm completely batshit insane and facing an internal maturity crisis / adjustment period. I took this week off from work for a "staycation" but have been...moody. It seems while I lament the lack of spare time in my life, when I have it not only do I not know what to do with it, but my mood plummets when I'm not achieving measurable goals. My life is filled with them: work scores, money scores, gym scores, all these personal bests fill me with reinforcement to the point I'm addicted. I'm so used to achieving in some measurable way that I feel like a loser if I don't get a gold star in a week. As much as I tell others just to do what they enjoy and not worry about "competing" I am not sure I'm taking my advice. The _point_ of this time off was just supposed to be to rest and recover, but I feel like a bored 9-year-old in my house: "I'm bored but I don't want to work or play any of _these_ games." I keep wondering what I'm supposed to do with this time, and then either freaking out because when I do something BAM 4-8 hours disappears and I feel like my staycation was stolen by work/chores; or I do nothing and seeing 4-8 hours passed by feel like I wasted it.

I know no matter what is going on a drink of coffee or booze will make me feel better (or at least more of something) but those feelings are empty. So empty based on drinking things = bad, but enhancing experiences with others = good? Is it bad that I enjoy playing video games or watching history/discovery channel by myself? Do other people question the things that they enjoy?

Stolen from the Janna

SKUNKS B-BOY beatdown! Kirstin, Chris, Jessie, I'm looking at you on this one...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WTQc-WEb5h8

(no subject)

I lack the profanities with which to express my dismay. Lamenting my poorly spent time on vacation has nothing on my vacation being curtailed entirely to issue a long series of internal memos to bolster the case law which is clear, unquestioned, and...you know what just fuck you, fuck all of you, fuck fucking you you fucking fuck. It's one thing to sacrifice my vacation - and I offered my time up because this shit was so fucking important, but to have you co-opt that time for nothing but pointless internal bickering and bullshit, for the blame game and defenses thereto,
well that pisses me off.

I just spent 2 hours on revising a memo to field a bunch of questions which have no bearing whatsoever on the issue of what course of action to take on a case. I know they'll use my course, the only issue is how much of my time is screwed by their inaction and desire to super-document every step taken and trying to involve 3 departments for a case not worth the time we have spent on payroll processing it. Efuckingads you morons. We already litigated a case with the exact same facts and the same result is a lock - why are you wasting my time with this pointless fucking dance? Fucking fuckers - THIS is what you co-opt my vacation for?
The AJ issued an order today for a full response by Friday, 2 fucking days, is this ambiguous? Why do you need me to send out emails at 6pm to people who unlike us have lives and go home when they're done working. Fuck.
Fuck.

Hell yeah I'm going out tonight to KISS KISS BANG BANG

I can't believe the amount of work I now need to do on the other thing - it's ... and I can't even do that much detail on it. I could really use some more profanities here. Granted I've always loved to cry "fuck you, you fucking fuck" since the first time I heard it - but I don't like to do it with as much visceral reaction and lacking so much appreciation of irony as I find myself doing right now. "Fuck you you stupid fucking fuckers."