![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
At least it's not twitter
Mar. 4th, 2009 07:26 pmHonestly, there is something wrong with me,
and honestly, I don't care.
First, I'm writing this at home while I listen to the sound of water falling into a bucket in the living room and watch the water-balloons in my bedroom walls grow larger. It seems evening is the time for leaking. I didn't shovel the roof yesterday because I figured I might damage the roof more. The roof guys came over today, and because they say they can't repair a wet roof - they shoveled the snow off the roof. I wonder what they got paid.
I worked my ass off yesterday and today in the office, just thought I'd share. I'm happy with the work I got done. It's a weird visit to middle-school mentality again - the work looks scary as all shit and I wonder how I'll get it all done in time, but if I just shut up and work on it...work on something, ANYTHING, it gets done and shrinks the minute I dig my mitts into the projects.
But there is something wrong with me. Video games.
It wasn't long ago I gave up my life to do law school. Every day I got up at 5:30, worked 7-3:30, ate and napped before class at 6, returning before or after 10 to sleep daily...then I'd do homework all fri night and Sat until boxing, eat and nap after boxing, and do the rest of my work. If I finished enough I was "allowed" to go to chiaro on sat night. I hiked with Kel on Sunday which ate most of the afternoon and evening. That was my entire damn life, and when it ended the bar started. When that ended, my marathon of hospital visits started and ended. There was no break until...well a long miserable personal hell.
Video games.
I now have a life. I have friends, they call and email me. I do things with people. I has a Janna, who has a me. I have TONS of time, and I sometimes use it. I go to the gym like I wanted to during law school...only I keep getting hurt so I can't lift like I like. I have food with friends.
I play old video games.
I bought a new computer (2), and new video games, but I don't play them. I swore off WoW w/o playing it since I played diablo too much. I moved away from the addictive diablo and into starcraft because "each game had an ending." I moved from starcraft to Lords of the Realm (2) because it was so relaxing instead of competitive or frustrating.
But...I play for hours. HOURS. I don't know why. I think I'm happy. I think I'm healthy. I think I'm active and doing ok in many aspects of life. Still I escape into putting the same puzzle together, over and over, with little thought, lots of routine, and no interaction whatsoever. I do not know why. I play a video game so old it confuses the graphics card like doom when it switches to dos.
Why? Why don't I read more? Why don't I watch those episodes of robot chicken? Why don't I watch tv? Why don't I re-tile the bathroom? Why don't I go to murky and read more? Why don't I hang out with friends more? Why don't I research those stock opportunities? Why don't I research real estate and buy a house? Why don't I ... walk around the city for no reason?
It's fine that I sit around doing nothing, in theory. Is my worrying about it irrational catholic guilt? Is it a need for relaxing? Is it a control issue? Should I worry about it at all? I don't miss any deadlines, nobody complains I avoid them, I am social to the point I may need more me time, my work is done on time, my bills are paid, the bucket is under the leak in the living room...
But why? Why so long? Why every day? Why do I still enjoy it?
and honestly, I don't care.
First, I'm writing this at home while I listen to the sound of water falling into a bucket in the living room and watch the water-balloons in my bedroom walls grow larger. It seems evening is the time for leaking. I didn't shovel the roof yesterday because I figured I might damage the roof more. The roof guys came over today, and because they say they can't repair a wet roof - they shoveled the snow off the roof. I wonder what they got paid.
I worked my ass off yesterday and today in the office, just thought I'd share. I'm happy with the work I got done. It's a weird visit to middle-school mentality again - the work looks scary as all shit and I wonder how I'll get it all done in time, but if I just shut up and work on it...work on something, ANYTHING, it gets done and shrinks the minute I dig my mitts into the projects.
But there is something wrong with me. Video games.
It wasn't long ago I gave up my life to do law school. Every day I got up at 5:30, worked 7-3:30, ate and napped before class at 6, returning before or after 10 to sleep daily...then I'd do homework all fri night and Sat until boxing, eat and nap after boxing, and do the rest of my work. If I finished enough I was "allowed" to go to chiaro on sat night. I hiked with Kel on Sunday which ate most of the afternoon and evening. That was my entire damn life, and when it ended the bar started. When that ended, my marathon of hospital visits started and ended. There was no break until...well a long miserable personal hell.
Video games.
I now have a life. I have friends, they call and email me. I do things with people. I has a Janna, who has a me. I have TONS of time, and I sometimes use it. I go to the gym like I wanted to during law school...only I keep getting hurt so I can't lift like I like. I have food with friends.
I play old video games.
I bought a new computer (2), and new video games, but I don't play them. I swore off WoW w/o playing it since I played diablo too much. I moved away from the addictive diablo and into starcraft because "each game had an ending." I moved from starcraft to Lords of the Realm (2) because it was so relaxing instead of competitive or frustrating.
But...I play for hours. HOURS. I don't know why. I think I'm happy. I think I'm healthy. I think I'm active and doing ok in many aspects of life. Still I escape into putting the same puzzle together, over and over, with little thought, lots of routine, and no interaction whatsoever. I do not know why. I play a video game so old it confuses the graphics card like doom when it switches to dos.
Why? Why don't I read more? Why don't I watch those episodes of robot chicken? Why don't I watch tv? Why don't I re-tile the bathroom? Why don't I go to murky and read more? Why don't I hang out with friends more? Why don't I research those stock opportunities? Why don't I research real estate and buy a house? Why don't I ... walk around the city for no reason?
It's fine that I sit around doing nothing, in theory. Is my worrying about it irrational catholic guilt? Is it a need for relaxing? Is it a control issue? Should I worry about it at all? I don't miss any deadlines, nobody complains I avoid them, I am social to the point I may need more me time, my work is done on time, my bills are paid, the bucket is under the leak in the living room...
But why? Why so long? Why every day? Why do I still enjoy it?
