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Pretty pictures. I saw some deer in the twilight this morning. I know where the deer eat on 295 - and I also know that every week or so one of these deer is struck and killed by a car. I 'love' deer, am fascinated by their big lovey eyes, and can watch them for minutes when I encounter them on a walk. Love deer. I've also heard people call them idiots, rats with hooves. I can't help but notice that the people who have the most experience with them...eat them. Hunters learn more about them than any of us apt/townhouse dwellers, and find them stupid but edible. People in the outer burbs find them annoying for eating their flowers. It seems the less you know about them, the more you "appreciate their beauty." I've never met a vegetarian raised on a farm - experience with animals seems associated with caring about them less, while those that only see pretty packaged meat and cute pictures of big-eyed cows decide it's wrong to "kill." I think this applies to club rats too - looks great, and can be fun for moments, but fails to have any substance. The picture is more beautiful than they are, and the more you know the more you barely appreciate them even as meat.
I keep seeing the adorable little squirrels in my neighborhood, and I can't appreciate them anymore. Every time I start to think they're pretty, I remember that after weeks of being unable to sleep while they crawled around my ceiling that I wound up killing them. Wound up? See, still evasive to the concept. I killed them. I chose my personal comfort over their cute doe-eyed lives, and killed them. I know that ultimately something that disturbs me that much over a regular basis, without a disincentive greater than my conscience, will meet with a similar fate. I loathe selfishness but I am also selfish - less so than others I think - or perhaps I fail to recognize how selfish I really am through my personal bias.
I'm going to take some of my own medicine. I have told friends for years, and a bunch in the last few weeks, to review their recurrent problems (typically with other people) for patterns of their own behavior to find out they are the real source of their problems. I have friends and acquaintances who are miserable through their own grasping at the same flimsy straws over and over - they're bigger alcoholics than I am. They bounce from rush to rush, feet never touching the ground, but never happy. Me too. It's been pointed out to me that I have complaints of people that echo familiar over the years. So I'm looking for things I do that lead to disappointment to me, whether that disappointment be by me or just to me. I think my expectations of people are leading to disappointment, though I find it hard not to have expectations - I have a way I want the world to be, but I feel disappointment every time I see a symptom that it's not (a SUV, cigarette butts out car windows, cold sores). So I'm going to renew efforts to figure out where my expectations are coming from, and try to ditch them if they're not realistic. I'm going to look for my own patterns of behavior in any part of my life that makes me unhappy that recurs as a pattern - avoid the temptation to justify my actions as "right." Just try to see what is, what causes what (why can come later).
I remember explaining to someone close to me that I was going to be a good friend to someone who many argued was not being the same to me. I knew it, but decided that if I acted the way I thought they should they may follow suit. Didn't happen. In fact, I've had a series of friendships that led to personal disappointment as it seemed my definition wasn't the same as others - or I'm not fulfilling those roles as much as I think I am. If I'm just a douche, then life is easier if I don't mind douches because I'm a douche. However, if I'm trying to act like a loyal friend while others are not, then I'm just a fool. So rather than continuing to treat people well that I feel aren't treating me well - I need to distance myself from them. I'm a sensitive little bitch and those sort of things cause me a great deal of pain.
I may well be wrong or unknowingly a shitty friend myself. If so, that's more that I need to learn. Something has to change though, because I'm engaged in patterns that are making me unhappy. This may not be the right course of action, but it is a course. It doesn't require much action at all, just cutting off sooner or determining that I have unrealistic expectations. I'm doing something, right or wrong, something. Or stopping something I was doing. Restraint is an action.
Similarly I'm ditching the job. No more play time, no more wistful wishing for better, no more lamenting why people here act the way they do ("why is she such a bitch? It makes no sense!?"), no more patting the lottery ticket in my pocket (WHY did you EVEN take graduate level statistics?!) It's time to GO. I've applied for jobs, I will now continue to apply for jobs - not just dream jobs, not just "well I could say no." No, it's time for change.
I want change like Obama, but like an Obama supporter I have no idea what that means. (KIDDING - voted for him, but come on...)
Only problem is this probably leads to less happy bouncy José, the one that nets the most friends. I'm not fun when I'm serious, but I prioritize loyal, reliable, and able more than "fun." I like both, but security trumps the party. Do I need to be what I want from others? Can I still be bouncy and fun but loyal and dependable? Am I even operating on a plane near reality? Dunno. But I'm doing something.
I keep seeing the adorable little squirrels in my neighborhood, and I can't appreciate them anymore. Every time I start to think they're pretty, I remember that after weeks of being unable to sleep while they crawled around my ceiling that I wound up killing them. Wound up? See, still evasive to the concept. I killed them. I chose my personal comfort over their cute doe-eyed lives, and killed them. I know that ultimately something that disturbs me that much over a regular basis, without a disincentive greater than my conscience, will meet with a similar fate. I loathe selfishness but I am also selfish - less so than others I think - or perhaps I fail to recognize how selfish I really am through my personal bias.
I'm going to take some of my own medicine. I have told friends for years, and a bunch in the last few weeks, to review their recurrent problems (typically with other people) for patterns of their own behavior to find out they are the real source of their problems. I have friends and acquaintances who are miserable through their own grasping at the same flimsy straws over and over - they're bigger alcoholics than I am. They bounce from rush to rush, feet never touching the ground, but never happy. Me too. It's been pointed out to me that I have complaints of people that echo familiar over the years. So I'm looking for things I do that lead to disappointment to me, whether that disappointment be by me or just to me. I think my expectations of people are leading to disappointment, though I find it hard not to have expectations - I have a way I want the world to be, but I feel disappointment every time I see a symptom that it's not (a SUV, cigarette butts out car windows, cold sores). So I'm going to renew efforts to figure out where my expectations are coming from, and try to ditch them if they're not realistic. I'm going to look for my own patterns of behavior in any part of my life that makes me unhappy that recurs as a pattern - avoid the temptation to justify my actions as "right." Just try to see what is, what causes what (why can come later).
I remember explaining to someone close to me that I was going to be a good friend to someone who many argued was not being the same to me. I knew it, but decided that if I acted the way I thought they should they may follow suit. Didn't happen. In fact, I've had a series of friendships that led to personal disappointment as it seemed my definition wasn't the same as others - or I'm not fulfilling those roles as much as I think I am. If I'm just a douche, then life is easier if I don't mind douches because I'm a douche. However, if I'm trying to act like a loyal friend while others are not, then I'm just a fool. So rather than continuing to treat people well that I feel aren't treating me well - I need to distance myself from them. I'm a sensitive little bitch and those sort of things cause me a great deal of pain.
I may well be wrong or unknowingly a shitty friend myself. If so, that's more that I need to learn. Something has to change though, because I'm engaged in patterns that are making me unhappy. This may not be the right course of action, but it is a course. It doesn't require much action at all, just cutting off sooner or determining that I have unrealistic expectations. I'm doing something, right or wrong, something. Or stopping something I was doing. Restraint is an action.
Similarly I'm ditching the job. No more play time, no more wistful wishing for better, no more lamenting why people here act the way they do ("why is she such a bitch? It makes no sense!?"), no more patting the lottery ticket in my pocket (WHY did you EVEN take graduate level statistics?!) It's time to GO. I've applied for jobs, I will now continue to apply for jobs - not just dream jobs, not just "well I could say no." No, it's time for change.
I want change like Obama, but like an Obama supporter I have no idea what that means. (KIDDING - voted for him, but come on...)
Only problem is this probably leads to less happy bouncy José, the one that nets the most friends. I'm not fun when I'm serious, but I prioritize loyal, reliable, and able more than "fun." I like both, but security trumps the party. Do I need to be what I want from others? Can I still be bouncy and fun but loyal and dependable? Am I even operating on a plane near reality? Dunno. But I'm doing something.
