This is it

Yes I know it was silly to post "oh shit" out of the blue. No, I'm not going to lash out at anyone for responding. Yes, I have been turning on my c7 1970s holiday lights about twice a day. They twinkle. Each bulb has it's own filament which expands and contracts with heat, resulting in an independently flashing lightbulb. They are so bright you can see them from airplanes. I figure while I normally conserve electricity, these are for nostalgia and it's ok to use fuel like in a classic car.

So Dad is going to die. The antibiotic didn't kick the bug, but has resulted in kidney shutdown. The doctors are keeping him chemically paralyzed because whenever he breathes on his own - even when sedated out of his gourd, he is "fighting the machine." He is still building an excess of co2 in his bloodstream. With his kidneys giving up, he is accumulating waste materials in his bloodstream. The doctors had said if they couldn't beat the infection with antibiotics that the likely result would be multiple organ failure. Despite the best support the machines and doctors can give, he is steadily declining. He has probably suffered brain damage (over this long haul in general, but more lately) and the process of waking up could be confusing or scary. He would not be able to communicate, and the process again might not bode well for his health. One of his sisters is coming down, arriving today or Sat, and I believe we're all getting together to let him go.

I think this is for the best, though frankly this what the Dr's thought in Sibley and I agreed back then. The problem I've always had is that his best-case scenario was just getting well enough to go through months of painful and frustrating therapy just to get to a depreciated state, and then to operate on the remaining cancers in his body - while all the while knowing the cancer or the treatment itself might kill him.

I didn't make it out last night as planned. I spent the evening making muffins, baking gingerbread, folding laundry, washing dishes, cleaning the kitchen, drinking, and calling relatives.

(no subject)

First you just throw, then you see you need to
tuck the chin down
bring those elbows in
don't match eyes - keep your spot in focus
watch your guard
slip more - move your hands with your head
twist with it, drive the hand from the twist
where is the ball of your foot? Drive from the ball of your foot - feel it, push with your foot, every punch has to start from there,
use your foot to push through to your fist - drive!
watch your knuckle connection
now watch those combos, ready for the bob, react, move from guard and hit
Pop that jab - don't rely on it, hold the ram in reserve
Are you just throwing or watching for an opening
drive that hook from center, don't John Wayne it
make an opening, peel him like an onion
Relax, just work and cover, wait for it and don't move in without conviction
map the target, move around that map

Tonight I'm talking to someone I haven't talked to in what...10 years? And I sound just like an angry 17 year old, just like I sounded 10 years ago - nothing changed? Have I regressed or did I just never change, never grow up?

You know in a couple of months I won't have the stress from law school or the trauma from recent events. I'll just be me, and what I do will not be subject to a wall of excuses or "Oh he's going through some real shit right now, like some real shit." No, in a couple of months I'll just be being me, and there is this possibility that you'll discover that I'm just an asshole.