(no subject)

Ahem
I understand the frustration, and honestly I would up yelling out loud shortly before leaving myself, but even then it wasn't to call my boss names (deserved or no). I would really look inside yourself and try to find the strength to take the horrid situation without showing insubordination. Ask – why do I need to express this? How could it possibly help? What benefit is there to me saying this? Perhaps save the speech and outbursts for when you have officially escaped and you see one of them in a mall. Even then, you might find escaping the situation just makes their self-imposed misery amusing and pitiful, rather than something that should be retaliated against.

I should listen to my own advice (above cut from years ago). I'm being, acting, like an asshole. No, behavior is more important than motives or reasons - I'm acting like an asshole, which means I am an asshole. I am an asshole. I am too old to throw tantrums, to let my emotions roll out of control. If I need to express, then I need to do that in private with select friends. I'm not private, but there is no need to air my issues with such volume. I'm angry. I'm hurt. I can't even tell what emotion is coming from what place. I am trying to stay active and do different things with different friends every day, and doing so I move forward and feel better - but then I keep flooding negativity out of my mouth. I'm usually shocked by it too - I don't know how much I want to talk until I realize how much I've just said. I'm too old to act and then apologize - that doesn't remove the act. Why? Why do I feel this? What possible good could come from the negative things I say? None.

I'm damaged, more than I should be even given my circumstances, far more than my experience would explain. I'm trying to fix myself, or if not myself then at least MY BEHAVIOR, but I keep slipping.

So, random list of friends and people I mostly know through LJ - I'm asking for a bit of help. No obligation on anyone - but if you see me acting like an ass, please feel free to point it out. If I say too much, say it too loud, say it too often...please feel free to point that out. I promise I will try to listen. I'm hesitant to promise anything - I don't like how I am acting at all so it's odd to promise I'll behave well when I'm not behaving well. I know better, but I'm not acting properly. I could use some help.

(no subject)

Today I visited the new hospital - rehab center. It's right off the inner harbor near the stadiums, which was a disaster as today was a game day. I paid $15 to park after giving up an 8 block radius search for free. I had to sign in and get a visitor badge to go in. It's very different than Sibley - the staff is urban, loud, dismissive or curt, but still pretty nice to the patient even if they don't baby him. My dad was awake today, and far more able to move - he actually wrote something I could read today. I talked to him about ... well I made sure he wanted to be alive, this way. He does, but he wants to go home.

Karma. The ventilation specialist is a white woman, baltimore looking to the core, probably about my age or ten years older and looking her age. She...unloaded on me. Her 18 year old son just died. 1.5 miles from her house. Between 2-6am, solo car crash with tree. "Alcohol was involved." He was also text messaging at the time. She just met me, but had treated my dad and here I was, the son. She had to talk - it was so obvious. She unloaded her story, her feelings - I gave my ear and the advice "Don't keep second-guessing what you did - it'll drive you crazy and you already know you did the best you could with what you knew then." I was happy to give her a place to release, irony aside. It seems that kind of issue isn't unusual, although her issue was far more understandable. Talking wasn't going to change a thing, but she had to. She had too much inside to sit on it, she was processing by talking about it. Over and over. Outliving your children is a pain I don't think I can imagine.

My dad is still under quarantine, but a nurse aide was using his room as a place to store linens for the other rooms! I couldn't believe it - there I was in mask, gown, and gloves, while the ungowned aide was using the room as a loading point for clean linens for the other patients. On the way home I heard the news report that a school district just spent over 200k cleaning up their schools after a death due to antibiotic resistant staph infection - but they noted that the type of cleaning they did would not eliminate the contaminant that caused the death. They said they had no regrets.