(no subject)

Two months of this. I looked to my study plan to see what to do, and I notice it says June. I did this for two months. To myself I did this. For two months. It's just amazing.

My favorite advice from either of the two bar-prep courses was to stay away from non-lawyers until the exam, if only to fight the homicidal rage that is natural to feel when people say "You'll do great...you know so much...you're so smart...just believe in yourself." The spread on the entire exam is only 15 points, and most people who fail do so by less than 3. I will almost certainly pass the multistate portion, as I was in the top 10% of the barbri fake-exam takers, and am in the top 25% of PMBR takers. Still, most of those kids weren't studying before those exams - they had fun all summer, only to cram at the end. That also doesn't mean I'll pass the essay section. The first day is 2/3 of your score and all essays - the multistate is the next day. I've spent more time on the multi-state as there are more materials and it's easier to drill on multiple-choice than to keep sketching essays. An essay question can always blindside you with a law you don't know - then you're dead.

5:30 AM. No reason to go back to sleep, can always catch up later today. All the windows are open, iced tea brewing in the big pot - 10 bags whole foods organic black tea, 2 bags TJ mint tea. 73 deg F outside, 77 in here. Haven't figured out what to do with today - do I study more or take a break? How much studying is too much? How much rest is too much? Am I really ready? What if they test me on multiple areas that I suck at during the essay section? Should I run today, do the gym? I have to shop.

I spent a lot of time missing my life during this study, but I'm not sure I'm looking forward to returning to it. I will have time to fix and clean the house, to cook, but I don't necessarily do that. Lots of stuff I'd rather not think about or face that I won't be disallowed from addressing anymore.

Ah, bats flying by the window. I love this apt in the dusk and dawn. The other day I got to watch as a bat landed on my screen...my computer sits by the window and a flick of my eyes to the right has me watching the world outside, from above like a cat on the frig. The little bat crawled around by his back feet - so tiny, and I could see through his skin with the light behind him. A little mouse with wings of skin. He was stumped when he reached the top of the screen and his little hand-feet couldn't grip any surface on the glass.

Days ago a squirrel chewed his way into my kitchen, so I need a new screen. I chased him off, slowly, so as not to scare him into falling off the building. I thought I heard something later in the kitchen, only to walk in and have a pan lid spinning on the oven. We only expect poltergeists during the night...so that must have been my rat with a tail. I've rediscovered that the windows open up, or down, so I've used my bat-repellant trick to open the window down, so only the glass is available to wall-crawlers, keeping the squirrel out of the kitchen or from eating any more screen. I love this apt for the urban wildlife. Yesterday I sat outside to study, and was serenaded by the cooing of our mourning doves. Something about their sound makes me happy and sad at the same time. It's more pressing when I have no interactions with people and I hear their lives going on.

Today is the last day to study. 2 months of 6am (or 8 after I eat and check my email, let's be realistic) until 11pm (or 9pm until I shower and relax). I'll probably pass, but only the lawyers know why. It's not really important, the joke is that I'm studying for February - I can take it again if I fail - I'd just rather not. They don't post test results until November.

Not sure what I'm returning to when it's over.