(no subject)

See, I'm so pretty! Still losing weight, steady on <13% body fat. My pants fit great. I can see why I backed off of dieting before - I get a little too wrapped up into control and perfection. I should focus on the presence of muscle, but when you're skinny all you see is muscle. It's easy to overestimate how muscular you are when you stare at your skinny self because you're looking at muscle groups. It's not muscle you see so much as the absence of fat, I know, but tell it to this mirror. As you stare at what little fat you have, you see it as the obvious flaw. Oddly a bunch of fat seems more forgiving, a smooth mass, but when you see muscle muscle muscle FAT the fat just looks horrid and out of place. Skinny you see more fat...this makes sense to me somehow.

Plus there is something oddly primal about controlling your hunger. It's like staring death in the face, a little at a time. You have few more core instincts than hunger, and to face hunger and defeat it is compelling. It's a form of mastery, and hard not to want to do it more. The gym is healthy, you control huge amounts of weight, you control your body, you drive past pain - a primal instinct you overcome to become stronger. You start to relish the pain in the gym - it means you're succeeding at something, that you're growing stronger. There is a release when you feel pain, overcome it, try harder anyway - and enjoy the pain. That which was once feared is embraced. In the gym the logic holds, with hunger...it feels similar. I can see, and now I remember, how you get carried away with the control. I can't control my job, my home, my whole life runs through my fingers like water and I can't do anything but watch...but I can control my body, my self. I can control what I feel. I can step outside myself and watch and control. Surpass the flesh.

A lot of thought for a whopping 10 lbs in what...6 weeks? I can't lose much more than this, though my body fat was 11% once, about...10 years ago. Essential fat levels for men are listed as 2-5%, but for athletes 6-13%. If I'm actually 12.5% I could still stand to lose some without fear of negative effects.

Did I mention burnt out of studying?