(no subject)

I'm still saying the experiment has ended. Studying law you find areas of policy concern, where there is an inherent tension between one societal need and another. Personally I'm facing tensions right now - I want to talk about everything, I want to be open, but doing so is odd, ugly, and drives people away. I can pretend - I can be anything anyone wants, I can 'get in,' I can get anything I want...yay. But it's not me. I'm tired of trying to act, I just want to be me even if that is ugly. I get tired of trying to be, trying to grow, trying to improve and increase stamina. I'm just on the verge of a tantrum.

Being happy is like a magnet. People like happy, they are drawn to it. People like positive. People like strong, and occasional comments trump a flow of conversation. I'm not happy, I'm very not fucking positive, not feeling to strong at all, and I wanna talk. I feel like I'm always waiting, like I have this higher worth, one that is never realized or valued. I was criticized constantly for slumming, but slumming sure as hell felt better than this.

People I wanted/meant to hang out with this week whom I never mentioned my intention to: Colin, Rikk, Slash/Tracy, Niki, Jodie, Tracie, your mom.