NY resolutions are silly

but like the holiday, I like them. Sure, I could make many anti-NY arguments:
1) why not semi-annual celebrations? Why not bi-annual?
2) why that calendar? Why not based on actual astrological points of interest?
3) Non-alcoholics getting drunk scare me

but frankly I love holidays, and this one has ALMOST no religious connotations today and can be a friggin blast. I LIKE this holiday. Resolutions: why not. It's nice to have arbitrary dates set aside to measure progress and set goals. Worked for Enron!

Anyway, after having way too much to drink one saturday, I decided to ditch booze and soda which were taking up too much space in my diet. I've also had it with the 5 lbs variance in my weight that used to be 2 lbs variance. Whining about 138 was much nicer looking than whining about 142! I know I can do better than this, so I've decided to give a washboard stomach a whack. I haven't set a timeframe or a specific goal, but I'm going to pursue this AT LEAST until my body has improved notably. I've gone neurotic on my body before and proven to myself that I can in fact control my diet and body shape, but this is just a fun experiment. Truth be told, I'm more comfortable with the aging process. It's finally sinking in that the things and people I care about aren't so fickle.

On the other hand, I must share part of an email I received in response to an earlier mention of this goal:

"Oh for fuck's sake. What's the point of you and me going out if there isn't alcohol involved?
...
And Jose - since I have known you, you've been pining away for a washboard stomach. you're 35 years old (or so). Move on."

My friends rock! I'll never live a thing down, will I!?

Wage war with the human soul

Science in it's pursuit of a more complete understanding of energy has come to a startling and grave couple of conclusions:
1) there is a 'human soul' that inhabits the human body, and lives past the human's death.
2) this 'soul' is in fact a parasitic infestation of unknown origin, though it could be classified as alien
3) direct communication with this human parasite has revealed what causes most of the pain and suffering, the soul.

It turns out these free-floating energy creatures can posses the human body, entering and leaving at will. These energy creatures are quite bored, having no power over matter. They absorb miniscule amounts of basic radiation to continue existence. They have discovered that by residing in our bodies, they can feel our sensations. They enjoy feeling sensations, particularly of the strong emotional kind. They do not seem to differentiate between pleasure and pain. Love and war are just different actions that provide these parasites with entertainment. They do not directly control our actions, but instead influence our emotional state. It seems our higher-brain processes are out of reach, and they lack direct motion or thought control of the more primitive brain functions.

This provides some unpleasant explanations love, hate, serial killers, S&M, and the selfish people who purchase SUVs and refuse to recycle their trash. Any reasonable creature would understand the self-destructing consequences of these pointless actions, where humans seem motivated purely by the sensation of the moment. It's not the human that is selfish, it's their parasite.

We cannot work in secret, but currently it does not appear these creatures are capable of or interested in stopping our work. We do not know if they will be so complacent in the future, but we must, for the good of humanity, destroy these souls and prevent their ever infesting another human! We must win this war, 'to end all wars.'