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Dec. 12th, 2003 10:18 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
vicarzI have spent the last shitty 4 months of my life striving for - who knows what. I just spent the last 4 hours of my life taking an exam - the culmination of all my efforts and sacrifice over this period of time. Not only did I fail, I failed with the curve. I did not know 25% of the answers on the exam, and I often miss 25% of the ones I do think I know. I might drop the school over this - what good is a law degree with a failure on the record? Through my life I only failed a class once - after fighting with a teacher in Jr. High.
Failure is something I've never accepted nor ever escaped. I fail on everything I try to do. I failed at school, I fail socially, I fail physically...me getting to be a good fighter, to be strong, is a pointless as striving to be tall. No matter what I achieve, it means nothing to anyone anyway. I think my favorite failures are social.
A girl I talk to frequently was passing out gifts of white-wrapped little cakes to all her friends. You could spot all the 'liked people' with their little shining star gifts. Oh it was such a shitty thing to do. She looked at me and laughed. God I love people, I love all people, people are loved.
Through the exam I'm back to relating to the idea of terrorists. You see, I care about people. I care about being liked. I want people to like me. It doesn't happen. I'm rejected. Now, I can turn the other cheek, I can keep trying, I can keep helping people and I can keep being nice, I can work out, I can eat or not eat, I can practice, I can try over and fucking over again, I can gain and accumulate, I can keep learning my fucking lessons and moving on and trying again. I can keep failing. I'm 35. I'm never going to amount to a damn thing - I've failed in every possible venue and I'm pretty much spent life-wise. What makes sense now is destroying that which I can't have. That I understand. I can't have friends, but any fucking loser with a gun can kill dozens of people. It's not that hard if you just stay relatively calm. This makes sense to me. You can't have it, you can never have it - but you can take it away from others. Mothers, babies, random fucks - they're all people that would reject you in time given the chance. Why not win for once - take away from them, their families, their friends - it's the only measure of success you can have. Somewhere some sad fucker will laugh about their death. You could go to jail and spout your mantra before they snuff you, or find closure with the last bullet in your mouth.
Failure is something I've never accepted nor ever escaped. I fail on everything I try to do. I failed at school, I fail socially, I fail physically...me getting to be a good fighter, to be strong, is a pointless as striving to be tall. No matter what I achieve, it means nothing to anyone anyway. I think my favorite failures are social.
A girl I talk to frequently was passing out gifts of white-wrapped little cakes to all her friends. You could spot all the 'liked people' with their little shining star gifts. Oh it was such a shitty thing to do. She looked at me and laughed. God I love people, I love all people, people are loved.
Through the exam I'm back to relating to the idea of terrorists. You see, I care about people. I care about being liked. I want people to like me. It doesn't happen. I'm rejected. Now, I can turn the other cheek, I can keep trying, I can keep helping people and I can keep being nice, I can work out, I can eat or not eat, I can practice, I can try over and fucking over again, I can gain and accumulate, I can keep learning my fucking lessons and moving on and trying again. I can keep failing. I'm 35. I'm never going to amount to a damn thing - I've failed in every possible venue and I'm pretty much spent life-wise. What makes sense now is destroying that which I can't have. That I understand. I can't have friends, but any fucking loser with a gun can kill dozens of people. It's not that hard if you just stay relatively calm. This makes sense to me. You can't have it, you can never have it - but you can take it away from others. Mothers, babies, random fucks - they're all people that would reject you in time given the chance. Why not win for once - take away from them, their families, their friends - it's the only measure of success you can have. Somewhere some sad fucker will laugh about their death. You could go to jail and spout your mantra before they snuff you, or find closure with the last bullet in your mouth.
