Answering a question: Friends?
Oct. 10th, 2003 02:21 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
vicarzA friend is just another ill-defined label. If asked, you may find that opposite pairs of friends have different impressions of the friendship, a similar problem exists when you’re dating someone - a more complex friendship I suppose. It’s tough to define when friendships fall away, more so since most friends don’t define levels of friendship as they go along. Who is your best friend? 2nd best? 3rd? 15th? How often do you have to call a friend? See them in person? What if they move?
It's more confusing when you add in symbiotic relationships. Are dating co-dependents in love, or just relieved not to be alone? If I get something from you, if you get some thing from me, are we using each other? Does this make us friends? If we think we are friends already, does getting something from each other make us not friends? I think if the use of each other were to disappear, and the relationship were to fail, it was not a friendship.
For the record I don't knowingly use or get used by anyone. I'm not saying it doesn't happen, but I try not to be on either side of that sort of thing. I have very high standards for those things I value - whether I have them or not. I hate settling.
You could very well still be good friends with someone who moved away based solely on blog interactions. Depends on the relationship. I’ve heard people explain that they may not see their best friend in years, but if they asked called them and asked them to fly across the country in the dead of night they wouldn’t hesitate to do so for a second. I can’t pretend I understand those people, but I’ve met more than one and they seem relatively rational otherwise.
The answer has to be the best application of the label that fits you. My own taste is to call everyone a friend, and never mean it. I’ve been called popular, but I claim to have no friends. Both claims are wrong, but both have evidence to back them up. I hate to call someone a friend and turn out to be wrong, but by the same token I'd rather say I'm someone's friend to avoid hurting their feelings than be more accurate at their emotional expense.
More importantly, a friend is someone that shows up at your place on moving day. Not says they will, does. Nobody else counts.
It's more confusing when you add in symbiotic relationships. Are dating co-dependents in love, or just relieved not to be alone? If I get something from you, if you get some thing from me, are we using each other? Does this make us friends? If we think we are friends already, does getting something from each other make us not friends? I think if the use of each other were to disappear, and the relationship were to fail, it was not a friendship.
For the record I don't knowingly use or get used by anyone. I'm not saying it doesn't happen, but I try not to be on either side of that sort of thing. I have very high standards for those things I value - whether I have them or not. I hate settling.
You could very well still be good friends with someone who moved away based solely on blog interactions. Depends on the relationship. I’ve heard people explain that they may not see their best friend in years, but if they asked called them and asked them to fly across the country in the dead of night they wouldn’t hesitate to do so for a second. I can’t pretend I understand those people, but I’ve met more than one and they seem relatively rational otherwise.
The answer has to be the best application of the label that fits you. My own taste is to call everyone a friend, and never mean it. I’ve been called popular, but I claim to have no friends. Both claims are wrong, but both have evidence to back them up. I hate to call someone a friend and turn out to be wrong, but by the same token I'd rather say I'm someone's friend to avoid hurting their feelings than be more accurate at their emotional expense.
More importantly, a friend is someone that shows up at your place on moving day. Not says they will, does. Nobody else counts.
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no subject
Date: 2003-10-10 12:19 pm (UTC)Acquaintances are people I get along nicely with, but whose existence doesn't matter to me.
The point being that acquaintances, I share my experiences with, and friends, I share my -life- with. Because no two people have the same life, there is bound to be friction as lives clash. Thus, friends i constantly bicker with, but I need it to survive.
A friend is someone who will bail you out of jail; a true friend is someone sitting next to you in the cell going "whoo! that was fun!" -- etc.
friendly discussion...
Date: 2003-10-10 12:42 pm (UTC)I have friends who talk a good game, but have never "quite" been there when there was help needed for casual things, like a move or house-sitting, etc.
Some of those same friends have made a point to send my resume, with recommendations, when I'm jobless...even though they've never worked with me in the current professional realm.
On the other hand...I have "had" friends who were close enough to tell me about their pregnancy scare or something of similar emotional investment only to go "off-line" for a year or two and come back from the border-lands trying to get me to invest in a pyramid scheme or buy into their Amway cult. Those are no longer friends.
Last - there are those who once had your back, at least you thought they did though it never came to a test. In this case maybe you are the one who was busy and couldn't do the events/clubs/shows/birthday parties - whatever - but now you're the one who is frozen out of the conversations. You hadn't stopped considering them a friend...but it is obvious something has changed.
Frankly, the last seems cousin to
I would still hazard the opinion that these are the rarities - unless your whole social fabric is based on an obscure hierarchy or "in" set.
no subject
Date: 2003-10-10 01:00 pm (UTC)when are you moving? i'll be there.
i may not send you the appropriate four page 12pt glossy paper response via snail mail to indicate my arrival time and appreciation for being asked to help you move. i'm not very good at such formalities. but you know, i'd be on your doorstep when you opened that door and had a couch by one danglin' leg.
--kelowna
no subject
Date: 2003-10-10 01:36 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-10-11 04:16 am (UTC)The meaning of friends
Date: 2003-10-13 08:40 am (UTC)I find your thoughts on the meaning of friendship interesting. I guess I've never really analyzed its meaning before reading your post. Your post has made me think about friendship and I would like to write my thoughts down here.
I think that I have a lot of friends that are mearly "acquaintances", consisting of people I only see at the clubs and people that I have met through other people that I may bump into every now and then who I don't really "know" well enough to call true friends.
I also have a large group of "true friends" that I would consider people that I want to call up and hang out with or even people that I'd volunteer to help move or help out when they're in need. These true friends are ususally people that would do the same for me. We've known each other for a while and know a bit about each other's backgrounds and personal, private lives.
Then there are my "best friends" that I have known the longest. These are mostly friends that live far away that I have to call every now and then to keep them up to date on my life, and who, when I visit, pick back up with our friendship right where we left off as if we never parted. These friends live in Florida, Ohio, and Louisiana. I miss them very much and think of them often. If they needed me to drop everything and fly down to visit for something important, then I would. One example is when Anita wanted me to be the Godmother of her new baby. I told her of course and that I'd book a flight that night. She said that I didn't need to be there for the ceremony, but of course I wasn't going to miss that. So I went down and got to visit with her family and make a mini vacation out of it.
I don't have many "best friends", but I do consider them very dear to my heart. They are the kinds of people that I would do anything for because they just mean that much to me.
I guess I mostly have a lot of "true friends" because of my friendly nature. People find it easy to open up and talk to me and I am very trusting. I really like having friends. It makes me a very happy person to feel loved. That's why I like being surrounded by people all of the time. I think if I didn't have any friends, that I'd be a very lonely and miserable person. I'm glad you're my firned. :-)
Friends definitions
Date: 2003-10-14 09:34 pm (UTC)Adding a little of my perspective to the "true friends" vs. "best friends" definition. A true friend is someone you want to tell about your life and they tell you about their's. Possibly, not everything, but you know stuff about each other and keep in touch. Best friends are rare. These are people that do know practically everything in your life. Not everyone has a best friend.
My latest stickler (for the past 3 years at least), is that a friend is someone that calls me. I figure, if someone, a. has my number, b. thinks of calling me, c. calls; then that person really wants MY perspective, company, or shoulder. Otherwise, the person doesn't care who responds or is playing a popularity game. (Now, this doesn't mean that I find all group events popularity games).