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May. 5th, 2018 04:48 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
vicarzand I'm confused about how I feel. I didn't drink last night specifically because I'm dieting and only "drinking with a purpose," plus today was going to be a record setting lift attempt. I have been so busy and stressed lately my real pleasure in life has been having time to have a few beers alone or with V and watch tv from the 70s and 80s.
This weekend I'm alone, and ditched the mainstream 80s night all my friends went to. I was happy doing that after I confirmed that the music would SUCK for me, and recalling the last time I was encouraged to go I had a shitty time when a) the music sucked, b) I couldn't talk to anyone because of loud sucky music, and c) parking sucks and you have to drink timidly because you drove. So...I was in with the cat. Felt fine but I also worked on various crap until it was mostly time to go to bed anyway.
But today. I woke up, weeded some, then went to the gym (ok I went there but then got pulled into pokemon raids for about 2 hours - we did a triple!). Sadly no record in the gym - got out of the bucket but I still could only squat 365 for a single - tried a 2nd but failed.
Came home, showered, napped with the cat. But now...here I am wishing I could lick myself because I finally have the time, and the alone time, to...do everything and nothing. But everything feels too heavy. Everything feels like it confines me, like I am a loser, nothing to do and nobody to do it with - and if there was "a thing" I would not feel like doing it.
And my solution? Last night I had to "resist" drinking alone because it would be stupid. I mean it's fine to pleasure yourself, but is that all I do? It's also shallow, short-lived, and seems to be a barrier to motivation to go out and interact. My solution right now would be coffee - it's the energy I lack, but I can't just keep
TURNING TO LIQUIDS TO FIX HOW I FEEL
Coffee to wake up, alcohol to wake up, to feel, to stop feeling, to switch feelings - but it isn't real. What's real? I'm not foraging for food. What's important? Why care?
I've been mocking someone who is dying and all they do is watch tv (skipping backstory) and seeing this is my fate - I work out for what goal exactly? Did I only leave the house to get laid? How many more years can I watch original star trek and note the sexism? My god I'm not interesting.
This weekend I'm alone, and ditched the mainstream 80s night all my friends went to. I was happy doing that after I confirmed that the music would SUCK for me, and recalling the last time I was encouraged to go I had a shitty time when a) the music sucked, b) I couldn't talk to anyone because of loud sucky music, and c) parking sucks and you have to drink timidly because you drove. So...I was in with the cat. Felt fine but I also worked on various crap until it was mostly time to go to bed anyway.
But today. I woke up, weeded some, then went to the gym (ok I went there but then got pulled into pokemon raids for about 2 hours - we did a triple!). Sadly no record in the gym - got out of the bucket but I still could only squat 365 for a single - tried a 2nd but failed.
Came home, showered, napped with the cat. But now...here I am wishing I could lick myself because I finally have the time, and the alone time, to...do everything and nothing. But everything feels too heavy. Everything feels like it confines me, like I am a loser, nothing to do and nobody to do it with - and if there was "a thing" I would not feel like doing it.
And my solution? Last night I had to "resist" drinking alone because it would be stupid. I mean it's fine to pleasure yourself, but is that all I do? It's also shallow, short-lived, and seems to be a barrier to motivation to go out and interact. My solution right now would be coffee - it's the energy I lack, but I can't just keep
TURNING TO LIQUIDS TO FIX HOW I FEEL
Coffee to wake up, alcohol to wake up, to feel, to stop feeling, to switch feelings - but it isn't real. What's real? I'm not foraging for food. What's important? Why care?
I've been mocking someone who is dying and all they do is watch tv (skipping backstory) and seeing this is my fate - I work out for what goal exactly? Did I only leave the house to get laid? How many more years can I watch original star trek and note the sexism? My god I'm not interesting.
