He's talky today
Jan. 2nd, 2016 10:33 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
vicarzPeople like puzzles. I wonder how much of watching horror movies is trying to find a way out of the situation - the running joke being how many bad decisions people make as the writers find ways to create the situation. If you don't make our identifying roles stupid, then you make up super-villains of unimaginable genius so not-stupids can be put in difficult puzzles.
So about visiting family for xmas...what verbal jujitsu would have prevented fight x and y?
How much of my torturing myself with whatifs and bad memories is trying to find a way to solve the puzzle and prevent the pain, even though that event is locked as history?
My sister won't talk to my mother - it's been over a decade. She's never articulated why but it seems pointless and unjustified. My mom put her up for years while she popped out bastard kids, sacrificed the entire family's savings to help her pursue and piss away her dream of owning a pony farm. The only sin she's ever articulated was that she didn't do enough. I think after biodad and bastard #3, and while going out of business, she just moved out without my sister. She was so spoiled all she knew to do was go get another babydady. Now perhaps she hangs onto the hate because otherwise she'd have to admit fault. She talks to me, and frankly she's very calm when we argue (i.e. when I criticize). Why is she so happy to live a motherless life? Why do I care? I guess I "pity my mom," who seems to have done nothing wrong. She's got her issues, but she's a damn good mom to me.
I'm lucky with family. I don't know much extended family but it's my own fault. They exist if I'd just put some effort in, but I continuously don't do so. My aunt the ex-nun sends me a gift every year, I write her more than she writes me. I was good with my dad and we had a goodbye when we thought brain cancer would kill him; taking some sting out of when he died unexpectedly from creeping cancer and msra later. I still kick myself that I didn't spend more time miserable in the hospital...my god I drank so much then.
My mother I contact daily (well she me but I'm highly repressive). She came to help me when I had surgery a year a go
(on shit I need to do a final labia yay post)
and curiously I owe her money. When I bought my house I got frustrated with the paperwork demands and re-demands over the 2nd mortgage, and I talked about it with my mom. Ultimately I self-financed with my investments, but also - more because I thought she'd like it? (I think, I don't recall well) I borrowed a sum from her and make mortgage payments, small enough that it was really pointless, but I had complained to her about the issue so much it seemed rude not to accept. When I lamented the market and how much I ultimately am spending on the mortgage, she offered to just let me have the money - I refused of course, but she noted that she would not outlive the term of the loan. It sounds obvious now but it was a revelation. I am happy to live and be successful in the sense my mom gets to see her offspring not being a loser. I had some big alcohol-based fights with my mom a while ago, still fueling my close eye on my boozyuse ("It's a family tradition"), but ... I'm lucky to both have a mom that deserves love and the sense to give it while she's still with me rather than lament and regret later. I've openly noted this to her and thanked her. She responds as dark and sarcastic as I would!
I want kids, or think I do. How idiotic is that when I don't have sufficient information about the things? Is it wanting to make a significant impact on the world but being too lazy to create and lead a movement? If we continue to overpopulate, or an asteroid hits the earth in x years, it won't matter either way. A ripple in a pond long since evaporated.
If having kids is for the experience then it's just selfish.
I'm still riddled with guilt over Janna though I cannot find another answer to that puzzle. What would have made that work? Why didn't it? It feels weird at these holidays that there was another entire family that welcomed me that I am no longer in touch with. Now I'm welcomed by another entire family. My god.
I'm incredibly self-indulgent right now. Lazy. Work quieted down but the homelessness has me writhing with tension. I spent the holidays both with the girl (and her family) but also sick, so I'm very ready to crash and masturbate (which likely means playing video games, watching more tv, perhaps dusting). I also went from a regular sick to a long creeping crud and...I'm no exception to the rule that being hurt makes you boring and selfish. When you're in pain, nothing else matters. So I was sniffly, bad, for a week and 5 days. That and the holidays nudged me out of my gym routine and it feels scary to return full force. However, today is squoot day so I'll lift as long as I lift.
Xmas and NYE were with V's family and friends. Curiously I ruled out the perv-ball based mostly on convenience, lack of interest, and price...I based it on what the price used to be to me, but comparing the price of NYE outings taken to the $20-25 cover for the perv ball? I have a lot of misaligned financial considerations where I have not changed my view of expenses to fit my salary. I'm not a GS-7 anymore, and even a GS-7 is no longer just 24.4k.
So people are doing their year-end things. I don't work that way - I don't mark the calendar much; more I have events or thoughts of past events and note those. I note my dad's birthday but only as it follows halloween. I think of him often, still, but not based on fb reminders.
But I am in a state of reflection now. I'm at a life crossroads, a major one. It's a slow and well-announced juncture where my house of almost 2 years is almost done, I've set recent weightlifting records as I recovered from the surgery about a year ago, I'm in the deeper good parts of a nolongernew relationship and we discuss moving in together when I'm not homeless anymore, the job is on cruise-control but still fun, and I vacillate between theoretical children and my gray hair patch. I've moved away from online quite a bit, and like family while I have my friends, I don't put in the effort I should to see them more. THAT...that thing I intend to change.
I intend to throw open the doors of my house when I have it. Will I? What will be the stressor that makes me want to hibernate next? Will I be a better and more active friend when I move and settle in the way I intend to, or am I misguided in thinking I haven't just grown autistic-esque in my old age? Do or do not...there is no (intend) try.
I watched my grandma die for 20 years in a spiral that didn't interact at all with the outside world. She really could have died in her 60s with loss of life or pleasure. If I die in ten years, or 30, will it be different than if I live to 100 only to play video games or watch old tv? In mortal life is there any benefit to making a difference or interacting with others as opposed to withering away in obscurity? Is now the time to ponder this?
So about visiting family for xmas...what verbal jujitsu would have prevented fight x and y?
How much of my torturing myself with whatifs and bad memories is trying to find a way to solve the puzzle and prevent the pain, even though that event is locked as history?
My sister won't talk to my mother - it's been over a decade. She's never articulated why but it seems pointless and unjustified. My mom put her up for years while she popped out bastard kids, sacrificed the entire family's savings to help her pursue and piss away her dream of owning a pony farm. The only sin she's ever articulated was that she didn't do enough. I think after biodad and bastard #3, and while going out of business, she just moved out without my sister. She was so spoiled all she knew to do was go get another babydady. Now perhaps she hangs onto the hate because otherwise she'd have to admit fault. She talks to me, and frankly she's very calm when we argue (i.e. when I criticize). Why is she so happy to live a motherless life? Why do I care? I guess I "pity my mom," who seems to have done nothing wrong. She's got her issues, but she's a damn good mom to me.
I'm lucky with family. I don't know much extended family but it's my own fault. They exist if I'd just put some effort in, but I continuously don't do so. My aunt the ex-nun sends me a gift every year, I write her more than she writes me. I was good with my dad and we had a goodbye when we thought brain cancer would kill him; taking some sting out of when he died unexpectedly from creeping cancer and msra later. I still kick myself that I didn't spend more time miserable in the hospital...my god I drank so much then.
My mother I contact daily (well she me but I'm highly repressive). She came to help me when I had surgery a year a go
(on shit I need to do a final labia yay post)
and curiously I owe her money. When I bought my house I got frustrated with the paperwork demands and re-demands over the 2nd mortgage, and I talked about it with my mom. Ultimately I self-financed with my investments, but also - more because I thought she'd like it? (I think, I don't recall well) I borrowed a sum from her and make mortgage payments, small enough that it was really pointless, but I had complained to her about the issue so much it seemed rude not to accept. When I lamented the market and how much I ultimately am spending on the mortgage, she offered to just let me have the money - I refused of course, but she noted that she would not outlive the term of the loan. It sounds obvious now but it was a revelation. I am happy to live and be successful in the sense my mom gets to see her offspring not being a loser. I had some big alcohol-based fights with my mom a while ago, still fueling my close eye on my boozyuse ("It's a family tradition"), but ... I'm lucky to both have a mom that deserves love and the sense to give it while she's still with me rather than lament and regret later. I've openly noted this to her and thanked her. She responds as dark and sarcastic as I would!
I want kids, or think I do. How idiotic is that when I don't have sufficient information about the things? Is it wanting to make a significant impact on the world but being too lazy to create and lead a movement? If we continue to overpopulate, or an asteroid hits the earth in x years, it won't matter either way. A ripple in a pond long since evaporated.
If having kids is for the experience then it's just selfish.
I'm still riddled with guilt over Janna though I cannot find another answer to that puzzle. What would have made that work? Why didn't it? It feels weird at these holidays that there was another entire family that welcomed me that I am no longer in touch with. Now I'm welcomed by another entire family. My god.
I'm incredibly self-indulgent right now. Lazy. Work quieted down but the homelessness has me writhing with tension. I spent the holidays both with the girl (and her family) but also sick, so I'm very ready to crash and masturbate (which likely means playing video games, watching more tv, perhaps dusting). I also went from a regular sick to a long creeping crud and...I'm no exception to the rule that being hurt makes you boring and selfish. When you're in pain, nothing else matters. So I was sniffly, bad, for a week and 5 days. That and the holidays nudged me out of my gym routine and it feels scary to return full force. However, today is squoot day so I'll lift as long as I lift.
Xmas and NYE were with V's family and friends. Curiously I ruled out the perv-ball based mostly on convenience, lack of interest, and price...I based it on what the price used to be to me, but comparing the price of NYE outings taken to the $20-25 cover for the perv ball? I have a lot of misaligned financial considerations where I have not changed my view of expenses to fit my salary. I'm not a GS-7 anymore, and even a GS-7 is no longer just 24.4k.
So people are doing their year-end things. I don't work that way - I don't mark the calendar much; more I have events or thoughts of past events and note those. I note my dad's birthday but only as it follows halloween. I think of him often, still, but not based on fb reminders.
But I am in a state of reflection now. I'm at a life crossroads, a major one. It's a slow and well-announced juncture where my house of almost 2 years is almost done, I've set recent weightlifting records as I recovered from the surgery about a year ago, I'm in the deeper good parts of a nolongernew relationship and we discuss moving in together when I'm not homeless anymore, the job is on cruise-control but still fun, and I vacillate between theoretical children and my gray hair patch. I've moved away from online quite a bit, and like family while I have my friends, I don't put in the effort I should to see them more. THAT...that thing I intend to change.
I intend to throw open the doors of my house when I have it. Will I? What will be the stressor that makes me want to hibernate next? Will I be a better and more active friend when I move and settle in the way I intend to, or am I misguided in thinking I haven't just grown autistic-esque in my old age? Do or do not...there is no (intend) try.
I watched my grandma die for 20 years in a spiral that didn't interact at all with the outside world. She really could have died in her 60s with loss of life or pleasure. If I die in ten years, or 30, will it be different than if I live to 100 only to play video games or watch old tv? In mortal life is there any benefit to making a difference or interacting with others as opposed to withering away in obscurity? Is now the time to ponder this?
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Date: 2016-01-02 07:23 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2016-01-03 12:09 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2016-01-03 02:53 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2016-01-03 05:24 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2016-01-04 04:52 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2016-01-04 11:01 am (UTC)Also, wow, eljay - you're on it!
We'll probably have to juggle around Kirstin's schedule with lil Em n'stuff.
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Date: 2016-01-06 06:06 pm (UTC)If we can't sort out theatre, maybe we should just brunch or happy hour?
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Date: 2016-01-06 06:33 pm (UTC)