For what purpose

[vicarz]

Although I still have "released myself" from regrets over 10 years old, and I'm much faster to dismiss my winces about things I did as a child or teen, my mind still inexplicably plays back horrors on a daily basis.

I just routined through one such: when my first girlfriend and I broke up, I was despondent for months. A friend (who naturally I had a crush on) took me for my first "alternative haircut." I was at the stylist for a long time, he was super nice, the results were great...but I left a meh tip. I was poor, and argued with my friend, but she thought/said that since I also bought product and a brush while I was there he got a % of that so that was part of the tip. I gave more than she advised but I think he was annoyed.

This was easily 30 years ago. Right now, I just replayed that memory in my head. This is normal for me.

The fuck!? It wasn't important 30 years ago, it's certainly not important now, and I've consciously told myself to stop replaying minor regrets from decades ago! It seems so obvious!

So, playing this memory serves some purpose. WHY does this happen? Am I bored, and replaying horrors is more stimulating and hence less painful than the routine work I'm doing? Is pain better than boredom?

Have I done something similar recently, and this memory is trying to get me to see and correct what it is in some subconscious feedback loop?

Did I just play this memory so many times, for a purpose long since fulfilled, that it's now just a riverbed in my mind where any time there is "water" of thought, it may happen to be the bed that fills with spilled energy?

It doesn't really bother me, but it's curious nonetheless. For what purpose does my mind play back these memories? Oh, why not play back early sex, or hell a sandwich I enjoyed when I was 12? Why not play back the smell of a campfire, or a nice time with my family? It seems like there must be some purpose, or at least a reason - what is it?

Comments

[wantedonvoyage.livejournal.com]

I do the same thing, and I would love to know why we cling to this silliness. I am sure the offended party long since got over it (possibly by having hundreds of other similar incidents since) but I'm with you... the cringe-worthy stuff lives on in lurid detail but the good times get fuzzy. One reason I have come back to and tried to stick with LJ so I can recall how I was thinking/feeling regardless of the circumstances.

[vicar.livejournal.com]

I actually question the accuracy of the memory itself. In the likely even that it serves some purpose, is accuracy of the memory serving the purpose, or does it bend and twist to fit the purpose better?

What color shirt was he wearing, her? What brand was on the store shelves? What day of the week was it? What shoes was I wearing? What did he say to the receptionist...all unclear even if the memory "feels" accurate.

[wantedonvoyage.livejournal.com]

Hard to say. For me more fuzzy, just the occurrence of these dredgings vs. good ones, thus contributing to the emotional macro of "You are a terrible little person who leaves a trail of hurt feelings and disappointment in your wake, the likes of which haven't been seen since Sherman's March to the Sea" when in fact I feel like I bite my tongue a lot and go out of my way to protect people.

[vicar.livejournal.com]

I encourage a realistic assessment. I'm currently not faultless, but the "sins" I committed those decades ago have consequences which are unlikely still to ripple. I have things I have done in the past ten years I could have done better, and those are better addressed.

Better, the issue becomes is there a behavior pattern I need to change which is hurting people today? That's the first issue.

Then the next is whether I could repair any damage done, and taking steps to do so - if so.

A higher level analysis would be "could I do more, what am I doing today, could I reach out and prevent-repair more harm" and that's an easier analysis but tougher likely answers. Heck, the could-I-do-more area might show how pointless the 30 year regret playback is, or how selfish, when I lament things I cannot change while ignoring things I can.

Huh, wow that is a line of thought.

[eac.livejournal.com]

I replay stupid-as-fuck things I said in 2000. Or 1998. Or 1988. It never gets any better, and I have to restrain myself from writing people letters to apologize....

This mostly happens after midnight... :(

[vicar.livejournal.com]

Aw :)

Well if it's any help, I actually went "home," where i grew up, and walked around the place. I recognized the place, but so much had changed it was too different to really draw memories. Also, none of the people I knew were there anymore ... so based on that, I gave myself a "PASS." Now whenever I start to replay those thoughts, I quickly date the issue, count the years since it happened, and then note whether it's something I do today.

In cases the answer is "fuck it, that's stupid and old." Feels much better. The thoughts still occur, but it's easy to beat them back. My gauge for "fuckit" is 10 years or more.

Still, the thought occurs, and I am pondering if this serves some purpose I can't figure out.

[djpsyche.livejournal.com]

Once, I was cutting peppers, and for no reason at all a memory of an exchange with a person I dated briefly popped into my head. That's bizarre, thought I, where did this memory come from. It was notable in its randomness. Because it was notable, the next time I cut peppers I thought about the time when I was cutting peppers and remembered this thing. And the time after that. And the time after that. It became a mental association with peppers. Is that what you're doing, maybe? This particular memory popped up when you were doing X, and now whenever you do X, the memory recurs?

[vicar.livejournal.com]

That would make sense...but it seems to be across more areas (walking to work, cleaning the house). But maybe there is an element tying them together I haven't noticed!