Growing up slowly

[vicarz]

Observations from last night, yesterday, and reflections this AM before the coffee hits.

I have more fun when I don't have expectations or adjust them quicker.

I don't understand how I left so many of my insecurities behind but I am highly aware of the benefit and the snowball effect it's had on me. It sounds silly, but a lot of how nice I've become is borne of the lack of fear of being physically or verbally assaulted. I think a lot of my teen mentality of walking around all angry looking was this shield...now I am happy to walk around smiling or just...not care. It sounds silly in print, but that's my experience.

I sort of am re-finding this now. I am running into a lot of folks I don't see often, so we do the catch up chat and over and over I rehash that (verbal pause) I'm happy. Job is happy, love is happy, money is a stressful thing but the product of decades of planning and not destroyed, health is good, and I'm having fun. I don't talk much about being happy and always talk about things that bother me - but:
I. Am. Happy.
Hell I'm comfortable in my own skin (even with my pillowy pudge).
A friend had a good idea - that I should check in with mental health. I mean at my melting-face age, it's normal to get physicals (and I have) so why not get a mental check-up? I haven't decided not to and it's still a good idea in theory, but in application I literally fit the definition of healthy:
I have some defense mechanisms and don't have others, but I am functional in my job, not chemically dependent on anything, socially successful, and financially stable. I'm a functional human being and I'm not unhappy or even making others unhappy. It sounds like a silly revelation and it's not really (another pause) deep, but from someone that studied psychology because I thought if anyone learned what was in my head I'd get locked up and not be able to escape?

Is there a better way to take a conversational narrative and indicate pauses? Paragraph, ..., - ;

My holy god do I post a lot when my gf is out of town. Some people just masturbate...

I'm out of date with medicine. Silly combination of thoughts, but in multiple venues from zit cream to psyc meds, things have come a long way since I learned psyc 101 in the early 90s. Names omitted but I talked with a friend last night (from the mid 90s) who told me a brief personal run with serious psyc meds - noting the switchnig chemicals until whammo, he or she took this one that made her or him feel 'normal,' to his/herself, for the first time. I have some minor issues I have outgrown or grown into, or I'm deliriously thinking I'm healthy because I have a job-friends-happy affect right now under my dome of tin-foil, so I often think you're better off mastering your problems and turning those gained strengths into benefits. This argument is consistent with my experience with a diagnosis of childhood ADHD but obviously not so good for depression, bipolar, or anything to do with glands' operation. Old hat argument aside, meds have come a long way and it's time I got some zit cream.

Comments

[wantedonvoyage.livejournal.com]

I got myself in big trouble once for saying I was afraid of going to a psych for fear of being put on some/any kind of meds that would dull my senses. Apparently my friend's experience was quite like your friend's.

I am still comfortable with my method of angsty overprocessing and occasional over-the-bar anesthesia. I feel like I'm doing okay by similar measurements to the ones you described (generally nobody ends up crying or punching a wall due to my words or actions) and I am still figuring stuff out.

[vicar.livejournal.com]

I wonder if there isn't a double-sided danger, one of thinking medication ends the need for personal struggle and growth (trying) vs. thinking only personal discipline is needed (my type error).

Oh my sine wave of coffee and alcohol...