Not sure what the question is
Mar. 8th, 2015 11:33 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
vicarzI'm in a weird head space - not unhappy, but reflecting on recent changes and whether I should ponder more changes.
For comparison, I hate a dirty space but I'm too lazy to clean. Really I'd be better off accepting a level of dusty without shame, or choosing to make weekly (ok, monthly) cleaning a normal part of my routine. Instead, I have hyper controlled routines to avoid making a mess, while dust buffalo roam freely. I have created a situation which can only make me (and more importantly, guests) uncomfortable.
Yesterday I spent the early morning with my mate, only to spend the balance of the day alone (happily so). It was a full day of chores and nothing else. Then I went to a friend's party, which was nice - having a good mix of people I know and people I don't know, but I made the social error of wallowing in the same old conversations. I was annoyed at a friend talking about the sex scene seemingly for the purpose of describing over and over how they're not a part of it anymore (or distinguishing they're not into a just-sex scene). Now, I do that too, and I don't not-appreciate the conversation, but around iteration 3 I was really done with it, and started to cross-examine a little bit; summarizing their point and trying to move on. That was rude of me; worse, I am then talking about my views on the just-sex scene and distinguishing myself as not there either. Why!? whodafawk cares?
In so doing I probably came across as a (an unpleasant) weirdo to someone who could potentially be a really fun friend - a person who lives in a building next door that also has these friends in common. It's great when worlds collide, but sad if my social skills are so undeveloped as to probably come across as creepy, pathetic, or both, and ruin a maybe-friendship.
Further repeating bad behaviors I have practiced leaving behind, I got burned out of other socially awkward behaviors (mine and those of others) and snuck out without saying goodbye. I didn't feel like going out so I went home rather than hitting the club...argued with myself about that the whole way home.
Here I am, after having gone out to coffee alone, shopped alone, and now have a day to do chores and catch up - which is great, but also alone. It's how I want to be right now, but at the same time I know I would be better off engaging more socially, more meaningfully. I have some great friends and it's good to keep up with them (or try), but I also need to do more than just coast socially from old friends from one genre. I need to grow, develop, and expand. But here I am writing about it in eljay...for what purpose? Does this make it more real? Does it salve the wound at the expense of solving the problem? Or does it help me identify the issue to be addressed? Does it force me to address the issue or help me avoid it?
...and the roof is leaking...well practical problems overshadow theoretical ones.
For comparison, I hate a dirty space but I'm too lazy to clean. Really I'd be better off accepting a level of dusty without shame, or choosing to make weekly (ok, monthly) cleaning a normal part of my routine. Instead, I have hyper controlled routines to avoid making a mess, while dust buffalo roam freely. I have created a situation which can only make me (and more importantly, guests) uncomfortable.
Yesterday I spent the early morning with my mate, only to spend the balance of the day alone (happily so). It was a full day of chores and nothing else. Then I went to a friend's party, which was nice - having a good mix of people I know and people I don't know, but I made the social error of wallowing in the same old conversations. I was annoyed at a friend talking about the sex scene seemingly for the purpose of describing over and over how they're not a part of it anymore (or distinguishing they're not into a just-sex scene). Now, I do that too, and I don't not-appreciate the conversation, but around iteration 3 I was really done with it, and started to cross-examine a little bit; summarizing their point and trying to move on. That was rude of me; worse, I am then talking about my views on the just-sex scene and distinguishing myself as not there either. Why!? whodafawk cares?
In so doing I probably came across as a (an unpleasant) weirdo to someone who could potentially be a really fun friend - a person who lives in a building next door that also has these friends in common. It's great when worlds collide, but sad if my social skills are so undeveloped as to probably come across as creepy, pathetic, or both, and ruin a maybe-friendship.
Further repeating bad behaviors I have practiced leaving behind, I got burned out of other socially awkward behaviors (mine and those of others) and snuck out without saying goodbye. I didn't feel like going out so I went home rather than hitting the club...argued with myself about that the whole way home.
Here I am, after having gone out to coffee alone, shopped alone, and now have a day to do chores and catch up - which is great, but also alone. It's how I want to be right now, but at the same time I know I would be better off engaging more socially, more meaningfully. I have some great friends and it's good to keep up with them (or try), but I also need to do more than just coast socially from old friends from one genre. I need to grow, develop, and expand. But here I am writing about it in eljay...for what purpose? Does this make it more real? Does it salve the wound at the expense of solving the problem? Or does it help me identify the issue to be addressed? Does it force me to address the issue or help me avoid it?
...and the roof is leaking...well practical problems overshadow theoretical ones.
