Adjusting expectations
Nov. 16th, 2014 08:22 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
vicarzHow 'bout some vaguebooking? Sure, love to. Vids are clearer than words https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uHSTwqCsyVY
Way back when I broke up and did the okcupid thing, I went on 2 dates with a girl. First one was very much a her-screening-me - with a friend and everything, 2nd one...so I was on the fence to start with, but then we met and I quickly figured out that there was not enough attraction. From me. I failed at telling her for a long, long time, though this wasn't bad time - I liked talking to her. The drawback was I needed to get that out so that I wasn't wasting her time. We did dinner with drinks and then escaped to a bar for drinks, and sitting at the bar and getting cozier by the minute (she cozed...I acquiesced) I finally said I didn't see a relationship coming out of this. I don't know if I "lied" then or later about the reasons, but she took it well; leaned back only a little, said she wasn't going to lie - she was disappointed, asked if it was ok to keep (hanging on me) - it was, and then "Adjusting expectations." We went home together.
(and we kept talking, I took her out a few times but she would try to kiss-make out but I just wasn't that into it and didn't want to hurt her feelings any worse)
I was told point blank I should be using? pursuing? okc more. Pretty sure that's not vague. I kinda don't want to. I'll say this - I think I hate dating. I don't want to hate dating, but it's frustrating. I don't know where I went from making out with people...all the fucking time, to wondering why for all the hanging out there is no "opportunity" to kiss? Have I forgotten? Am I fucking stupid? Or is that just lack of chemistry? When did this thing start where I could hang out with someone for 2, 4, 8 fucking hours and not feel like there was an opportunity to...something? That's _got_ to be me, right? Have I relied on girls throwing themselves at my psychically for 20 years? But I've learned an important lesson that I sorta don't get it, am bad at it,
'aint got no game - no game at all,'
and there just is a whole area of social skills that I'm blind to. I kinda feel like saying fuckit - I'm a quitter, big time. But no, no I'm going to be frustrated, regroup, laugh with friends, get told, not just that I'm stupid, but perhaps gain some insights about wtf I'm missing - not doing - doing I should not be doing, and try to learn something. Then awkwardly stumble through trying to do it again.
Nothing worthwhile is easy or comes naturally right?
I went out with a friend a while ago, we hung out for hours and walked aimlessly...I wondered before we hung out if it might be a ... thing. After we started walking around a lot, in the dark, I was thinking that maybe I was supposed to do something but it never quite felt like that particular moment I was supposed to. I used to make out with her all the time, how? I kinda wasn't feeling it even though I found her attractive so it wasn't a big deal, but still...shouldn't I have known?
I think back to the fact the last 7 years was 2 girls. One very hung on me and made interest incredibly obvious - being married and all, and the first part of our relationship was being so close we could smell each other and trying not to cross the line of cheating (I know, I know). The next was Janna, who I met in club & through mutual friends, and actually asked out on a date. What was that first date - 8 hours? More? And it ended in kissing that sort of didn't stop...I don't remember next dates except I don't remember not knowing what was going on. Some growing pains, some insecurities, some communications that did not align with behaviors sure, but nothing that was particularly confusing - not to the point I wasn't sure or felt like quitting. Before that? Making out at clubs and parties for 20 years? When did this get hard? I 'aint got kids. I feel like I missed some major lessons.
I should cruise men just for the steady hit rate; the downside only being smacking people down like nervous terriers. Or perhaps that information is out of date too. Sorry, old comfortable line I drop into when frustrated; though my date-rank is higher with men...though really, it used to be. Maybe the youth skinny thing was my draw, and now with everyone out and married & stuff it's not true anymore. It's moot - not looking at or for men.
But speaking of that, I need to break verbally, thought'ly. I enjoy my strings of metaphors and shocking stories of slutty days gone past - I LOVE these stories. They make people laugh, they make me feel comfortable. But they're not for all, or even most conversations. They're alienating for many, and don't really move anything forward. I've spent decades learning to be someone "work appropriate," and am making reasonable strides in being 'friend I haven't slept with or who knew my wild years' appropriate. I think I need to "up my game" and develop more, practice more, become fluent in more social situations where I can be myself; myself as I am today.
Way back when I broke up and did the okcupid thing, I went on 2 dates with a girl. First one was very much a her-screening-me - with a friend and everything, 2nd one...so I was on the fence to start with, but then we met and I quickly figured out that there was not enough attraction. From me. I failed at telling her for a long, long time, though this wasn't bad time - I liked talking to her. The drawback was I needed to get that out so that I wasn't wasting her time. We did dinner with drinks and then escaped to a bar for drinks, and sitting at the bar and getting cozier by the minute (she cozed...I acquiesced) I finally said I didn't see a relationship coming out of this. I don't know if I "lied" then or later about the reasons, but she took it well; leaned back only a little, said she wasn't going to lie - she was disappointed, asked if it was ok to keep (hanging on me) - it was, and then "Adjusting expectations." We went home together.
(and we kept talking, I took her out a few times but she would try to kiss-make out but I just wasn't that into it and didn't want to hurt her feelings any worse)
I was told point blank I should be using? pursuing? okc more. Pretty sure that's not vague. I kinda don't want to. I'll say this - I think I hate dating. I don't want to hate dating, but it's frustrating. I don't know where I went from making out with people...all the fucking time, to wondering why for all the hanging out there is no "opportunity" to kiss? Have I forgotten? Am I fucking stupid? Or is that just lack of chemistry? When did this thing start where I could hang out with someone for 2, 4, 8 fucking hours and not feel like there was an opportunity to...something? That's _got_ to be me, right? Have I relied on girls throwing themselves at my psychically for 20 years? But I've learned an important lesson that I sorta don't get it, am bad at it,
'aint got no game - no game at all,'
and there just is a whole area of social skills that I'm blind to. I kinda feel like saying fuckit - I'm a quitter, big time. But no, no I'm going to be frustrated, regroup, laugh with friends, get told, not just that I'm stupid, but perhaps gain some insights about wtf I'm missing - not doing - doing I should not be doing, and try to learn something. Then awkwardly stumble through trying to do it again.
Nothing worthwhile is easy or comes naturally right?
I went out with a friend a while ago, we hung out for hours and walked aimlessly...I wondered before we hung out if it might be a ... thing. After we started walking around a lot, in the dark, I was thinking that maybe I was supposed to do something but it never quite felt like that particular moment I was supposed to. I used to make out with her all the time, how? I kinda wasn't feeling it even though I found her attractive so it wasn't a big deal, but still...shouldn't I have known?
I think back to the fact the last 7 years was 2 girls. One very hung on me and made interest incredibly obvious - being married and all, and the first part of our relationship was being so close we could smell each other and trying not to cross the line of cheating (I know, I know). The next was Janna, who I met in club & through mutual friends, and actually asked out on a date. What was that first date - 8 hours? More? And it ended in kissing that sort of didn't stop...I don't remember next dates except I don't remember not knowing what was going on. Some growing pains, some insecurities, some communications that did not align with behaviors sure, but nothing that was particularly confusing - not to the point I wasn't sure or felt like quitting. Before that? Making out at clubs and parties for 20 years? When did this get hard? I 'aint got kids. I feel like I missed some major lessons.
I should cruise men just for the steady hit rate; the downside only being smacking people down like nervous terriers. Or perhaps that information is out of date too. Sorry, old comfortable line I drop into when frustrated; though my date-rank is higher with men...though really, it used to be. Maybe the youth skinny thing was my draw, and now with everyone out and married & stuff it's not true anymore. It's moot - not looking at or for men.
But speaking of that, I need to break verbally, thought'ly. I enjoy my strings of metaphors and shocking stories of slutty days gone past - I LOVE these stories. They make people laugh, they make me feel comfortable. But they're not for all, or even most conversations. They're alienating for many, and don't really move anything forward. I've spent decades learning to be someone "work appropriate," and am making reasonable strides in being 'friend I haven't slept with or who knew my wild years' appropriate. I think I need to "up my game" and develop more, practice more, become fluent in more social situations where I can be myself; myself as I am today.
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no subject
Date: 2014-11-16 05:20 pm (UTC)The one plus about dating sites is that when you meet someone, you know they're looking for dating/potential relationships. If you meet someone organically that's a whole awkward conversation you have to somehow kickstart or hope they do.
no subject
Date: 2014-11-16 05:36 pm (UTC)(reallyfuckinghard but still)
no subject
Date: 2014-11-19 02:04 am (UTC)I've fallen into a 'tender trap' of hooking up with an old friend, its a complete FWB situation with no real hope or expectation of anything more. We just have so much history, there is a built-in comfort of familiarity.
But my divorce isn't final yet….
Don't "Throw the towel"
.
no subject
Date: 2014-11-19 02:28 am (UTC)(she's awesome but it just wasn't working / somewhere is the man/woman/group/group of various species that is perfect for me)