(no subject)
Nov. 5th, 2014 07:47 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
vicarzWritten while an otherwise normal looking woman talks intensely to her partner about how great god is in northside social. I'm not sure but it seems to be dating and god girl talk, as in god leading you in dating. "I'm like, yeah, like, yeah. For hope. And I'm all like making this about god's plan..." Poor thing.
Woke up to the election results today, not happy but happy enough to push the things off as things I did my part in, but can no longer control.
I'm in NS because...I need to get out more. I'm pushing myself. Dating...is something I need to do, but more importantly I think I need to expand socially. I need more diverse friends. My little freak life has kind of peaked, and hanging out with my married friends quoting yesteryear is stagnation for me. So is hiding at home playing games and feeling connected by comedy tv. This is...sitting alone in public, but it's my face somewhere. I'm on okcupid (though I still don't send messages or anything) (and not now , I mean my picture is there).
I have to make a decision about dating. Actually a couple of them. I think I've had another revelation, it seems or sounds minor but it's crucial to me: I have to make decisions, I have to act on decisions, I have to be more aware of how I feel...really listen to how I feel, not over-analyze because I'm so "stupid" about feelings, and with all that...relax a little and not feel the need to overcompensate by making firm decisions over and over (which with that area can only mean X-cut, bail, run).
I think I hate dating, but you know what? I hate lifting weights. I hate running. I hate new case law research areas. I hate trying new things when I know how to do something else, and that's exactly why it's so good for me to do it. It's been so long since my last 2 long-term relationships that the way I used to meet people, in clubs each week, no longer can apply as the fucking clubs are long since, literally, dead and buried. Dating is a good motivator, but really I shouldn't stop growing. I need to engage more, and learn; push my boundaries and keep getting "stronger" socially. I can even make eye contact with people not-during-sex! But dating, I might hate it, but there is a huge series of things I could benefit from even crappy dating experiences: more stories, more experiences, more friends, more social skills, more experience combining analytic thought in irrational areas...
Why write here? Writing forces a certain degree of coherence, like reading out loud - I am processing differently as both source and recipient. Posting here, to me, feels like putting things out there and holding myself accountable. If I say I'm going to go running, I'll report if I did not. If I just decide to go running, but don't, it's only myself I answer to and as running isn't on some written report somewhere I am more likely to let it go. If I say I'm going to make eye contact and not just stare at runner's boobs, then one hopes this will happen (in slow incremental steps).
I've changed a lot in the last many years, on purpose, and it's a good thing. I'm also not done yet, another good thing. It doesn't matter what I do, who with, or around what group - as long as it's some sort of productive activity, doing no harm and hopefully some good, then it's a good thing.
This poor guy off to my right must think I'm scoping him bad - they put out cinnamon rolls on a varying schedule, and I'm looking behind him to see if my honey buns are there yet. I should go tell him...I'm only staring (at him) to see my honey buns!
Woke up to the election results today, not happy but happy enough to push the things off as things I did my part in, but can no longer control.
I'm in NS because...I need to get out more. I'm pushing myself. Dating...is something I need to do, but more importantly I think I need to expand socially. I need more diverse friends. My little freak life has kind of peaked, and hanging out with my married friends quoting yesteryear is stagnation for me. So is hiding at home playing games and feeling connected by comedy tv. This is...sitting alone in public, but it's my face somewhere. I'm on okcupid (though I still don't send messages or anything) (and not now , I mean my picture is there).
I have to make a decision about dating. Actually a couple of them. I think I've had another revelation, it seems or sounds minor but it's crucial to me: I have to make decisions, I have to act on decisions, I have to be more aware of how I feel...really listen to how I feel, not over-analyze because I'm so "stupid" about feelings, and with all that...relax a little and not feel the need to overcompensate by making firm decisions over and over (which with that area can only mean X-cut, bail, run).
I think I hate dating, but you know what? I hate lifting weights. I hate running. I hate new case law research areas. I hate trying new things when I know how to do something else, and that's exactly why it's so good for me to do it. It's been so long since my last 2 long-term relationships that the way I used to meet people, in clubs each week, no longer can apply as the fucking clubs are long since, literally, dead and buried. Dating is a good motivator, but really I shouldn't stop growing. I need to engage more, and learn; push my boundaries and keep getting "stronger" socially. I can even make eye contact with people not-during-sex! But dating, I might hate it, but there is a huge series of things I could benefit from even crappy dating experiences: more stories, more experiences, more friends, more social skills, more experience combining analytic thought in irrational areas...
Why write here? Writing forces a certain degree of coherence, like reading out loud - I am processing differently as both source and recipient. Posting here, to me, feels like putting things out there and holding myself accountable. If I say I'm going to go running, I'll report if I did not. If I just decide to go running, but don't, it's only myself I answer to and as running isn't on some written report somewhere I am more likely to let it go. If I say I'm going to make eye contact and not just stare at runner's boobs, then one hopes this will happen (in slow incremental steps).
I've changed a lot in the last many years, on purpose, and it's a good thing. I'm also not done yet, another good thing. It doesn't matter what I do, who with, or around what group - as long as it's some sort of productive activity, doing no harm and hopefully some good, then it's a good thing.
This poor guy off to my right must think I'm scoping him bad - they put out cinnamon rolls on a varying schedule, and I'm looking behind him to see if my honey buns are there yet. I should go tell him...I'm only staring (at him) to see my honey buns!
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no subject
Date: 2014-11-05 01:40 pm (UTC)Rely
On
God
no subject
Date: 2014-11-05 01:43 pm (UTC)without gas!
no subject
Date: 2014-11-05 01:47 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-11-05 02:38 pm (UTC)Stop over-analyzing and bury your face in a honey bun, already.
no subject
Date: 2014-11-05 09:20 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-11-05 10:55 pm (UTC)I say it again and again, but get yourself to the point where you are totally OK and happy with the concept of being single for the rest of your life. Then only accept relationships that are an improvement over that baseline.
no subject
Date: 2014-11-05 11:35 pm (UTC)Thanks, yeah. I'm feeling out my new skin here.
no subject
Date: 2014-11-07 03:24 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-11-07 03:26 pm (UTC)